Dsis constant comments on children/parenting

She may be annoyed, but at some point the shoe may be on the other foot when DNs have grown up a bit and she is suddenly the one with a creaming 2yo having a tantrum.

If she doesn’t like kids, she should avoid those family get-togethers where they attend and/or suggest some adult only ones. Or just get over herself. It is never okay to offer an unsolicited critique on another people's parenting style/strategies, whether you are related or not. And it is even more the case to never be okay to call a child names.

The only exception would be if the gatherings were happening in DSis’s home that the kids were running riot in (which doesn’t seem to be the case here).

I would smile and nod and revel in the knowledge that when she does have kids, she’s got it all to come.

So maybe don’t attend gatherings if she doesn’t want to be around them but continually saying that basically her nieces and nephews put her off having kids is rude. It’s not so different to someone looking at your hair and saying I’m on the fence about that same hairstyle - it’s not necessary and it’s rude

Maybe she's annoyed that all family gatherings are disturbed by kids creating chaos. Kids should be part or a family gathering not the centre of it

Also, you've no idea what fertility issues she is going through, so this may be a self protective mechanism.

Maybe try look at these gatherings from someone else's perspective.

You could be really bitchy and say something like "yeah, not everyone's cut out for this!"

I think it would be more normal to comment on children’s bad behaviour if it happens every single time they’re all together, why should people have to deal with screaming tantrums every time?

Yes she may feel embarrassed at the behaviour in front of husband as they don't have kids yet

I think you don't like the criticism and you are both in the wrong. You've acknowledged your son has behavioural issues so address those but ask your sister to be polite while you work it through. Apologise if he does anything disruptive etc

I always feel like this when I see my nieces/nephews, they are so poorly behaved and they are not parented firmly enough, I always say to DH when we leave "thank god that's not us.." (we do have kids, but older, and better controlled!) I don't tell them directly though.

I wouldn't say it is normal for it to be "chaos".

Well tbf if the sister has to put up with poor behaviour at gatherings she probably is within her rights to comment.
What exactly is the behaviour like?

Oh I don't know. I mean I know you would be sensitive about your sibs behaviour but one of my GC is incredibly busy a bit wild / doesn't listen and it dies service as a reality check to the other about the reality of parenting and children's behaviour or how it can be and quite off putting !!

If the comments are constant I’d be inclined to think she’s projecting as it’s not normal to constantly comment on the behaviour of other people’s children (think what you like, keep your mouth shut), even if they are badly behaved.

Think about the possibility that she knows that either her or her DH have known fertility issues, are worried if they have left it too late to conceive, or are on the fence/disagreeing about having DC.

it is fairly normal for kids to get a bit lively when they get together, so am going to assume the ‘normal’ liveliness is what you are describing and that ‘tantrums/screaming’ etc was a slightly humorous/self-deprecating description that has landed poorly for some PPs here.

Even if it wasn’t, I personally think it’s unacceptable for your DSis to comment the way she does - repeatedly. I am assuming others in the fam have noticed, or is it just you? Because if you are feeling/seeing a collective eye roll then I would actually speak up. ANYONE calling my DC/DNs a ‘brat’ in their presence would be told to leave until they can learn not to behave like a rude and entitled brat themselves. It is beyond rude and, frankly, abusive to the child. Would they sit there and insult you, their boss, a stranger and get away with it? No. So, why is it okay to insult a child?

I’d have words and state that whatever her feelings are about having children with her DH, she needs to learn some bloody manners and keep her opinions on your and your siblings’ parenting strategies to herself or stay away from child centred gatherings. If there is drama it is of her making. She needs to apologise for being rude and insensitive… why should you have to tiptoe around her behaviour and sensitivities when clearly she has no intention of tiptoeing around those of your DC/DNs or their parents?

Just tell her she is being rude, her comments are uncalled for, and to find some manners the next time she comments.

I don’t think it’s rude not to want to be around screaming chaotic tantruming children.

“Do you realise how rude you sound?” In these circumstances seems to shut people up, especially when they think they’re being funny

"behaviour is heightened" isn't sounding great. Why is it so heightened for something that happens so regularly? It sounds like the kids need to be told calm down.

I think as a previous poster says, she’s projecting. Maybe they aren’t sure if they want dc, or one is more certain than the other. I’d just bide my time and say nothing. If he’s falling out with the others, intervene. If he’s making too much noise, intervene or suggest they go outside to play. You’re on it so it’s fine.

You could make a comment back like yes, you said that last time. Just something low key that highlights what she’s saying is upsetting you.

Excitement doesn’t have to involve, chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones.

It seems like because you think this behaviour is ‘expected’ from kids it’s not stopped or challenged?

By the way, your sister’s social life is absolutely irrelevant here, not sure why you’ve mentioned it? At first it sounded like the family gatherings were at her house, but as they’re at your parents it’s not relevant.

If your sons behaviour isn’t due to a diagnosis it’s just bad behaviour, I don’t think your sister is in the wrong here.

Sounds like a lot of families on here have perfectly behaved, well-mannered, quiet, polite children. Aren’t you the fortunate ones?

I agree that it is easy to comment on how to bring up children when you don't have your own.

Does your sister see you telling the children to calm down? Or does it look like (to her) that you don't notice the noise?

DD and her friends used to get excitable and loud, but I used to tell them to keep it down all the time, especially with the screeching. I was very strict about screeching. I don't recall any tantrums during playdates though.

Does your DS screech? Maybe that's why your sister comments.

My 13 yo often says to me "this is why I don't want to have kids". The difference is, she's mature and polite enough to say it quietly and discreetly .

I think you need to be able to acknowledge that you, as well as your sister, may possibly be in the wrong.

Otherwise, what’s the point in asking the question?

Your description of the children’s behaviour does sound a bit annoying - and I live with toddlers so I know what they’re like.