Dsis constant comments on children/parenting

If someone said this to me in that situation, my response would be "yes, clearly", since you obviously don't have control of the situation.

If her commenting is upsetting you, have a quiet word with her to let her know, ideally when things are quieter and tensions aren't high.

OP, this bit in your OP

My Dsis (without any children) is something of a social butterfly: large circle of friends, always has a party, gathering, meet-up of some kind every week.

is completely irrelevant and I’m not sure why you’ve included it unless you’re trying to portray your DSis’s life as rather empty and that she doesn’t have a clue about “real life” I.e life with children. Being the only one in the family who has not had children can actually be difficult at family gatherings.

Obviously no one on here can judge what the behaviour is actually like - you say chaos, some of the people judging that might view the same behaviour as not particularly chaotic. Or as something far worse.

But either way I think your sister is being a bit rude. Totally understandable to get in the car when she leaves and say to her DH "Jesus, what a bloody nightmare they are!!" But she is essentially pointing at someone's life and going "god I wouldn't want that" in front of them.

What your sister is saying (ie. on the fence about having kids) is really only a typical joke that couples without children will say when they are around kids who are being a bit full on or if they need a nappy change or smear food on their face etc. That's all.

I do wonder if actually it has hit a nerve with you because you are aware an acknowledge in your OP that there are behavioural issues and therefore you are perceiving it as a slight against either your or your child.

Considering she could well be going through infertility issues this isn’t bitchy it’s downright cruel and insensitive.

Next time she says we are still on the fence blah blah respond :-
“to be fair if you can’t handle a few hours with kids just being kids then I’d say they aren’t for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, not everyone has the patience and skills to be a good parent”

Your sisters comments are a mix between being bitchy that she thinks she could parent better (it’s amazing how people without kids THINK they could do better and it’s hilarious once they do become parents that all that “wisdom” and advice they shoved down everyone’s throats goes completely down the drain). And the other side of it is that she sounds secretly concerned that she wouldn’t be able to cope being a parent. If she is a social butterfly then her whole world would change having a child and that has to be a worry for her.

If you feel up to it, if she makes a nasty comment about your son being a brat or she comments on his behaviour just say “god I can’t wait until you have a child of your own.” Then just smile and change the subject.

To be fair when we had family gatherings when the children were small, no it wasn’t chaos with screaming every time. Tantrums were rare and the tantruming child removed upstairs.

Sounds like your sister is annoyed with the lack of action. There is no need to chaos at every visit. We would meet in a small house, that excuses.

Try looking at the behaviour and how it is being dealt with. Might seem cute now, but give it a few years and it won’t be.

Additionally needs are not a get out card for all bad behaviour. Stop making excuses and take a screaming child out of the room to calm down. See if it improves things.

Before you make any kind of passive aggressive comment, how sure are you that your sister isn’t experiencing fertility difficulties?

Agree

Maybe you all need to find a better way to meet & manage the kids? Take them out for a walk together first to the park etc.

Running riot round a small house is no fun for anyone. You parents probably agree

Tantrums, which involve screaming, are a really important developmental stage and completely normal...

Not all children tantrum.

@sillysmiles family gatherings disturbed by kids ?!?!?!?!?!?! 🙄* *

If she isn't comfortable with the kids being around because of infertility or other reasons, there are other ways to go about than to make hurtful comments to her siblings. She can organise gathering with her siblings or parents at hers without the kids, she can avoid the gatherings with the kids from time to time, etc. but repeating every time the same hurtful comments is childish and spiteful really.

If you're this defensive about your kids' behaviour on here, I can only imagine how much more defensive you are in person!

I think I have sympathy with your dsis.

Tantrums, which involve screaming, are a really important developmental stage and completely normal... And they do get triggered by being somewhere different, with other kids who want to share your toys and who want to play something different to you. They're not something a parent can "allow" or not. They happen! Even if OP removes her child into another room whilst this is happening, her DSis is still going to witness it and eyeroll.

Agree with her that she may not be suited to it. (None of us truly are for all the challenging parts)
but yes she’s probably projecting. Sounds like a pain though.

I agree with you OP. Feels like a lot of the righteous answers here come from people who think children should be seen, not heard. There's a difference between young kids being loud, making a mess playing, running around, etc. and kids being spoiled brats and being parented passively. There is a time and a place for kids to play freely and let their excitement be heard, and a time to be settled and calm, for sure, but I really feel for kids who are never allowed to make noise and mess because it inconvenience adults too much.

I'd also say something like "Yes, we know sis, you tell us every time you see the kids!" like another pp suggested. As annoying and frankly hurtful as her comments can be, it'd brush them off as more of a reflection of her than you and your kid.

Out of curiosity, is your sister making similar comments to your other siblings? Are they also fed up with the judgement?

Perhaps you can stage an 'intervention'. All tell her how irritating it is.

Otherwise just keep repeating 'Okay SuperNanny'

When she gives unsolicited advice, why not ask her to step in? If she thinks she knows how to parent your kids better, let her - she’ll find it’s not as easy as you think.

I wouldn’t assume her comments about not being sure come from her own worries about leaving it too late, she’s not said anything to indicate that. I adore my niblings, babysit and I’m very open that I want children - I still joke with my siblings they’re the best contraception around and they say the same about me (there’s a big age gap). A room full of children is intense when you live in a calm peaceful adult house the rest of the time, even normal levels of child behaviour!

YUP!...we all thought we would do it "better"

There can be chaos, screaming, tantrums, over excitement etc everything you would expect from little ones.

I might expect some of that from small children-2/3/4, but would obviously hope that the parents would be intervening and stopping the screaming and limiting some of the chaos. Maybe she sees this and thinks you aren't intervening when you should be?

I would say, by 6, screaming and tantrums are less typical-he's presumably going into the juniors in the next year so would really benefit from some sort of support with emotional regulation at home.

If you already are doing this and intervening whenever he starts screaming, then fair enough and I'd start with the comment suggested earlier-'yes, thank you-you mention it every time we see you'.

I've lost all fucks to give so would come up with a witty retort along the lines of them coping if they think that's bad.
"Well not all people are cut out for parenting and that's completely OK!"