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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

398 replies

DataColour · 19/01/2025 07:32

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

OP posts:
LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 09:02

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/01/2025 09:01

Crap week for all, I would call and explain.

Explain how? Her Dad dying sure, but her DH not being able to handle is job and looking after his child??

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 09:02

In terms of rearranging, although DH has agreed to do it, would it be better if I made the call and explain my bereavement and leave DH out of it completely? I can't imagine them looking at it favourably if he rings up with excuses about Ofsted.

OP posts:
TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 09:02

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/01/2025 09:01

Crap week for all, I would call and explain.

What would the explanation be?

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/01/2025 09:01

Crap week for all, I would call and explain.

Pigeon31 · 19/01/2025 09:00

We have a joint google calendar so we can put apppointments in each other's diary and that works really well. I suggest something like that would be worth looking at for the future.

Hurrayakitten · 19/01/2025 08:56

southpawsofthenorth · 19/01/2025 08:52

Do you know what ofsted is?

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Are you a teacher? Sorry to bring it to you but you aren't that special and no, hospital wouldn't look differently at a missed appointment because Ofsted came.

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:56

southpawsofthenorth · 19/01/2025 08:52

Do you know what ofsted is?

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Yes but the hospital won't give a shit that he missed his child's appointment for it. They don't go oh right yes very important job fair enough.

Gioia1 · 19/01/2025 08:54

SheridansPortSalut · 19/01/2025 08:19

I'm pulling it out of nowhere but my money is on this possible scenario -

Your dh also needs an assessment for ADHD and that is why the appointment wasn't in the diary and the time wasn't rearranged when it became clear that they couldn't attend. It is also why he's acting defensively now instead of taking steps to put a solution in place.

Do you find that you need to manage all of the organising and life admin tasks for both of you?

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

I don’t think you’ve pulled it out of nowhere. ADHD is hereditary. I bet he has it too. The defensiveness and not seeking a solution are giveaways. He’s likely in denial that their son is nd because he would then have to look at himself as possibly having it to.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/01/2025 08:54

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:49

She still missed the appointment.

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How, though? According to their agreement, she wasn’t there one who was supposed to be going, so how did she miss it? Could you please explain your perspective?

southpawsofthenorth · 19/01/2025 08:52

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:39

I don't think the hospital would be happy with "dad forgot because he's a teacher and had ofsted and his job trumps his kid"

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Do you know what ofsted is?

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:50

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:48

@TheNewHiker yes I feel I also dropped the ball with this. There was a high chance this was going to happen.

I can’t imagine trusting such an incredibly important app for my son to a man who I know is utterly disinterested in his children

Strictly1 · 19/01/2025 08:50

Do you think your DH could also be autistic/ADHD? It could potentially explain his lack of interest? I am not trying to make excuses for a man - I don’t need to. You live and parent with him. It may be worth considering. He might not want to be labelled and may see himself in his child. All wild guesses but possibly worth a mulling over.

I genuinely hope you get sorted. But I do think once the initial anger has subsided, rational thought and discussion needs to take place.

southpawsofthenorth · 19/01/2025 08:49

Sounds like you both had stressful weeks. It’s just one of those things.

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:49

Op this “d”h criticises you for changing in to relaxed clothes at the end of the end; he is totally unsupportive of when you have PMT, he shows bugger all interest in his child…. I could go on

there is so much more to this but ultimately it sounds a bloody awful home life for you and the children

Soontobe60 · 19/01/2025 08:49

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:37

Her dad died and she arranged for the other parent to go.

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She still missed the appointment.

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:48

@TheNewHiker yes I feel I also dropped the ball with this. There was a high chance this was going to happen.

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/01/2025 08:48

He won't though will he. We all know he won't. He doesn't see DS as important

Don't be so ridiculous.

Joystir59 · 19/01/2025 08:47

The last thing your family needs is you two having a row on top of such an awful week. Let it go.

BlueSilverCats · 19/01/2025 08:46

@LegoBingo it's more "he's a man... let him off". The bar is extraordinarily low for men .

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:46

Given you say he’s never taken an interest in the children, it is strange for you not to have reminded him about this as it was fairly obvious he was going to fuck it up

TheNewHiker · 19/01/2025 08:45

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:43

@TheNewHiker he is 16. Why do you ask?

you could have asked him to set an alarm on phone with a reminder to remind Dad to take him?

but ultimately this appears to be tip of iceberg. You think he’s a shit and remote dad and it’s an unhappy marriage

BlueSilverCats · 19/01/2025 08:44

DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:31

I think he does have ADHD too, but he manages to put everything else in the diary.

It's the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered by it and instantly went on the defensive and turned it back on me.

Our DD in my opinion needs a more urgent possible autism assessment as it is affecting her school work, and DH does not even look into it. I've already started process at school but DH is not even enquired about e it, he just does not take any interest in this part of their lives.

Does he agree that they might have special needs ? Does he accept that ? Is he on board with it?

If the answer is no, you have much bigger issues in your relationship and future parenting than a missed appointment, no matter how frustrating. I'd also wonder if he (even if subconsciously) sabotaged the appointment.

His lack of interest doesn't bode well, regardless of the reasons why.

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:43

@TheNewHiker he is 16. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
Mollysay · 19/01/2025 08:43

LegoBingo · 19/01/2025 08:35

The stock answer on mumsnet seems to be "oh he's a teacher..let him off"

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I think it's more lots of people have a very very low bar for men and will make any excuse as to why they aren't in the wrong. The poster saying OP also missed the appointment is wild- yes she did, but her dad died and she asked another capable and competent adult to take their child to the appointment; what more could she have done? Why should someone who adds everything else into their calendar require a reminder from someone?

Original poster
DataColour · 19/01/2025 08:42

To be completely honest, I could have reminded him and I usually would have for something even less important, but I also forgot with everything else going on last week. I'm kicking myself too and I feel awful about it.

OP posts: