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Original poster

FIL visit, give me strength please

35 replies

RockingBaby889 · 18/01/2025 22:41

FIL visiting, staying with us for 3 weeks. We live in an expensive holiday destination so DP is showing him around. Wonderful. Except we have a 5 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well and so far FIL's visit has meant:

  • more tidying and cooking for me
  • less help from DP especially in the evenings which is the worst time with a baby, as DP is taking FIL for drinks and dinners. I have to stay home with baby for bedtime. He's a grouchy baby after 6 pm. The newborn days where we could take him out for dinners are over.
  • zero personal space as FIL is here all day (small house)
  • losing my car (FIL uses it to get around, there is zero public transport or taxi here and a rental is $1k a week). To be fair FIL is happy to drive me to baby groups etc but it's not the same as having free use of my car.
  • losing use of our only spare bedroom (so I can't shower in the spare bathroom when baby is asleep etc, no big deal, but inconvenient)
  • lots of stress as they want to take baby out too but that means more work for me, timing his naps just right, packing shit, breastfeeding in public but baby is soooo distracted he doesn't feed properly etc

MIL died last year after a long illness. She was a gem. DH is still devastated and I want him to have a nice time with FIL, it means so much to him.

But it's all sort of at my expense, any advice? I just have to suck it up but I'm 4 days in and already exhausted.

If I got more than 4 hours of broken sleep in the last 5 months I'd likely be able to go with the flow more.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 18/01/2025 23:01

Could you stay with any friends and family for a few days to break it up a bit?

Start planning ahead and say ‘Right, FIL I need the car next week on Monday, Weds and Fri and DH I need you home on the following days.

What did you think it would be like? This isn’t a FIL problem, it’s a house guest problem. Anyone would find it tough with a young baby and hosting a guest for 3 weeks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2025 22:58

LtdEdition01 · 18/01/2025 22:51

She doesn’t sound mean at all, what are you talking about! The baby is 5 months and all she is asking is for a bit of consideration.

This. It's not mean to understand your own needs at the some time as understanding others'. Women are trained to POOF magic away their needs of anyone else has one. Well sleep is a very basic need. Actually more basic and necessary than relationship if we're playing TopTrumps. Her FIL isn't on MN so let's not tell her to be a martyr.

DH and FIL can have lovely lunches out and DH can be home for the witching hour. You can rest at home and make the naps work for you and the baby. DH needs to do more, if there is more to do.

Three weeks is a LONG time, and I've lived far away from family. You always think the longer, the better. But that is a lie. If you can do broken up time (with you - go to another area for a mini break - with you) it's perfect!

Maddy70 · 18/01/2025 22:58

I need the car tomorrow fil

Other than that you are being unreasonable

Dotto · 18/01/2025 22:56

No DP should not be abandoning his duties for 3 weeks. You're not a maid / servant / slave.

Nomorecoconutboosts · 18/01/2025 22:52

I don’t think you sound mean. I think all the adults in this scenario are adjusting to new dynamics and all bereaved in different ways from the loss of mum/wife/mil

I wonder if a few small changes might help - just a few suggestions based on what you mention:
could dh take fil out alternate nights for drinks/dinner and you could then not be left on your own every night. perhaps fil or dh could cook etc or you get takeaway.
if fil is flexible, perhaps he wouldn’t really mind if you used the shower on the spare bathroom whilst baby is sleeping?
Could you suggest some outings that would work with the baby even if just short trips/out for light lunch or whatever?
Could dh and/or fil look after the baby to allow you to go back to bed for an hour or two some mornings?

LtdEdition01 · 18/01/2025 22:51

She doesn’t sound mean at all, what are you talking about! The baby is 5 months and all she is asking is for a bit of consideration.

fashionqueen0123 · 18/01/2025 22:48

Why does he need your car? That’s ridiculous.

Your DH needs to cook some meals in the evenings. Fil can tidy up after himself.

PizzaPunk · 18/01/2025 22:47

Your DH can still spend time with his dad whilst carrying on his own responsibilities.

Inkyblue123 · 18/01/2025 22:47

Speak to your husvand and explain - he will have to limit his nights out, more take outs and less cooking. Any chance of FIL taking the baby out for a walk every afternoon for an hour? Give you a chance to have a shower and some down time?

JustTalkToThem · 18/01/2025 22:45

You sound so mean. Recently bereaved DH is spending time with his father and only 4 days in your already mad?

talk to your DH and set some guidelines on cooking and cleaning responsibilities and other stuff and then enjoy watching your husband and kiddo spend some time with an important member of the family.

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