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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to know where 5k has gone?

131 replies

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 21:28

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k
DSS mum got hold of this information and started being really demanding around the money, wanting to buy him a car for his birthday late last year (before he had even passed his test) DH and I wanted to wait until
He had passed.
Long story short, DH caved to emotional blackmail from DSS's mum and put the money into his bank account - without telling me (but that's a whole other story)
Fast forward to now, DSS has passed his test but there has been 0 sign of a car being purchased, he's been driving his mum's. Every time DH asks about it, has he seen anything, does he need help etc - he just doesn't answer or changes the subject.
DSS's mum has had money issues in the past and doesn't have a steady income so we are both slightly concerned that maybe the money has been diverted towards other things and he'll just use his mum's car in exchange. Which wasn't the agreement.
AIBU for wanting to know where the money has gone and what the intent is?

OP posts:
Whatzzitz · 19/01/2025 00:01

DH needs to ask his ex if she took the cash and what her plans for repayment are?

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:56

@Naunet - no it's not a reasonable situation, but I can see why he sent him the money to get his mum to stop being abusive.

OP posts:
Naunet · 18/01/2025 23:53

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:50

@Naunet we have separate finances - I have more more disposable income so I contribute more into savings.

But this is a gift, a very large gift for HIS son, he cannot reasonably expect you to contribute more to it and then have no say in what happens to it.

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:50

@Naunet we have separate finances - I have more more disposable income so I contribute more into savings.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 18/01/2025 23:45

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 22:07

@mrsm43s
I know it doesn't matter really, but it's just sad. We've worked hard to be able to him and it's just gone and DSS won't directly benefit from it.

I get that. Yes, it's sad, but he knows you & DH gave it to him, and he knows why he doesn't have it now.

8misskitty8 · 18/01/2025 23:45

What sort of person steals from their own child ?

Naunet · 18/01/2025 23:41

Firstly your husband needs to call his ex and ask what happened to the money (it could be his son has spent it rather than the ex). Secondly you need to decide if you should demand the money back from your husband. How did you end up being the one to finance most of this?

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:40

It should have been an exciting milestone and something to be proud of. I'm just left feeling sad and angry about it. I get why DH gave him the money. But it didn't need to be this way

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 23:37

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:33

After realising that now and have apologised to @Calochortus , it was @changecandles

Sorry - I didn’t see that!

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 23:35

I would be so angry and disappointed in your shoes. Angry with DH and disappointed your DSS has been coerced into giving the money to his mum.

There is no way he would have chosen to buy/rent his mum’s car rather than pick out something himself.

I feel sorry for you having all your hard-earned money wasted and for your DSS who has been pressured to bail out his mum’s financial problems.

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:33

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 23:31

That was @changecandles

After realising that now and have apologised to @Calochortus , it was @changecandles

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:32

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:27

I’m so glad you KNOW. 🙄. What’s employees got to to with a poster who has clearly got confused with another poster? How odd that you felt the need to comment.

There is clearly no point trying to communicate with you. What a waste of time.

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 23:31

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:11

How can you be attracted to a man this weak?

You are questioning his attractiveness and calling him weak, do you also want the OP to think her husband is weak and unattractive? I’m pretty sure you do

Nasty

That was @changecandles

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:29

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:24

@ToKittyornottoKitty @Greyish2025

Just to clarify…

Apologies @Calochortus it was @changecandles that made those nasty unhelpful trolling comments

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:27

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:25

Why are you tagging me in that?

Read the thread

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:27

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:23

Yes I no, but rather than say that you insist on dragging it out and being shitty about it

I’m so glad you KNOW. 🙄. What’s employees got to to with a poster who has clearly got confused with another poster? How odd that you felt the need to comment.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 18/01/2025 23:26

Nobody knows where the money has gone. It would be reasonable for DH to ask his son exactly what happened, your peace of mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2025 23:26

Of course YANBU to want to know where it’s gone. But it sounds like you already know.

I’d be livid with DH and I don’t think it necessarily is another thread but the money’s gone so what can you do. He’s given money you’ve worked hard to save up to his ex. Looks highly likely DSS won’t see a penny of it. That’s fucking enraging on both counts.

Separate finances and him supporting his child and his ex by himself might be wise from now on.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:25

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:24

@ToKittyornottoKitty @Greyish2025

Just to clarify…

Why are you tagging me in that?

September1013 · 18/01/2025 23:24

If DSS has chosen to spend the money in a different way on things for himself, there’s not a lot you can do about it other than make sure he hasn’t spent it on drugs or something else illegal.

If DSS has been exploited or bullied into handing it over to his mum then your husband needs to be dealing with this by talking directly to his mum.

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:24

@ToKittyornottoKitty @Greyish2025

Just to clarify…

To want to know where 5k has gone?
ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:23

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:21

Yes I do, we don’t treat our employees this way thank you very much. However she has quoted the wrong person.

Yes I no, but rather than say that you insist on dragging it out and being shitty about it

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:21

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:19

You no the other poster isn’t your employee right?

Yes I do, we don’t treat our employees this way thank you very much. However she has quoted the wrong person.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/01/2025 23:19

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:17

I asked you to quote me and not once have I said that on this thread or the other one, that’s not the terminology I use. Please quote the full comment. It's in a little box and you press “quote” underneath it. Also make sure sure my username is in the quote. Thank you.

You no the other poster isn’t your employee right?

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 23:19

Greyish2025 · 18/01/2025 23:11

How can you be attracted to a man this weak?

You are questioning his attractiveness and calling him weak, do you also want the OP to think her husband is weak and unattractive? I’m pretty sure you do

Nasty

You are clearly confused as it was @changecandles who used said this. An apology any time soon would be appreciated.