To want to know where 5k has gone?

It’s strange. Maybe the son made a deal with his mother to drive her car and use the money for something else eg. insurance?

If I was your DH I would want to know where the money has gone. Why can’t he ask a straight question and get a straight answer? It’s not that difficult surely. Though who knows whether it would be the truth that said. But the money has gone anyway and I’m not sure how much further you should personally get involved; leave it to your DH, his dad? I’d make sure I wasn’t going to be put in that position again.

Well he will if his mother has money problems and it’s keeping a roof over his head. Agreed that wasn’t what the money was for but he needs to be asked directly.

Oh, and maintenance is rarely actually “enough”. CMS level maintenance is the bare minimum, and most court ordered or even private arrangements don’t actually cover 50% of a child’s needs and housing costs. Added to that, a lot of resident parents are completely stretched for time and unable to earn as much as the non resident parent.

And heaven help the resident parent if they want to try to provide the extras for their child(ren) that they might have been able to afford if still married (music lessons, sports lessons, school fees, etc).

When I saw this thread @Digitaldedado I did remember your last one about it, and the one after that about a different issue which has now been deleted.
Like many posters at the time it was very concerning.
This money problem is a huge issue absolutely but the real, real problem here is with your DH, who very much sounds like he is unlikely to ‘cave’ into pressure from anyone.
I am not sure if this post will be allowed, or if it will stay up, it is written with concern.
You need to get yourself out of this marriage. If you don’t you will never be at peace.

Tbh I can understand. Teenagers are expensive and everything is expensive at the moment. If his mum needed the money for household bills (101 unexpected things could have happened) then I do understand her child helping her. Is it ideal? No. But the money went into his account and it’s up to him whether to keep it to buy a car or to use some or all of it to help his mum.

Please stop asking him about it. He’ll tell you if/when he wants to look for a car to buy.

I don’t know your step son’s mum or her situation but I do know children/teens who have helped their mums financially because they could and wanted to.

Ds3 booked his driving test on 4th Jan for 12th Feb.

Blimey, whereabouts do you live @Threeboystwocatsandadog? It's a six months waiting list here. DD has just failed hers and just wondered how to get another test date more quickly.

I don't think DSS's mother is relevant since no one has any evidence that she has taken the money and DSS hasn't said so or even implied it, as far as I can see. If this money as a joint gift from you and DH, then he should not have moved the money without your knowledge so that's a general issue to work out between you and him. And it is reasonable of you to continue asking what plans there are for buying the car. Other than that, DH needs to parent his son - find out if the money's gone on something else or if perhaps he's still saving for the car or hasn't found the one he wants yet. It does no one any good to make assumptions.

Totally agree. Absolutely bonkers on this thread!

Some of you are missing the point, if the DSS mum has coercively made the DSS give her 5k that he has been given by OP and DH then yes it is a safeguarding issue as is financial abuse. He is not an adult.
Whilst it may not be the reason the OP is upset it's the worse part of this ness.

It's done now, and whether your DS has frittered it, or ended up giving it to his mum it doesn't look like it's going to reappear.

I think your husband needs to have a conversation with his son - 10k(?) has just gone in the space of a few months and he has nothing tangible to show for it? Even if he had changed his mind and booked a holiday or bought a fancy computer, but to have nothing of value at all?

If his mum has pressured him in to giving it to her, she should be ashamed.

I do think it's a bit strange to just transfer 5k as opposed to just keeping it paying for the car once he had been shopping, especially if his mum has form.

Is it a full fucking moon tonight or something? Honestly some of the tit for tat backwards and forwards between what I assume are GROWN WOMEN is embarrassing.

If she's able to manipulate your DH, she most surely will be doing the same with her son. The money came nicely in time for Christmas. I would be livid.

Your poor DSS was probably quite excited to be getting to own car - it’s a big step at that age- and now he is for some reason driving mums car when I’m sure he would preferred to have gone and bought his own car.

I would also be furious with DH he should have protected you and his son and had a spine and said no!!! He needs to sit down and get to the bottom of this for everyone’s sake but don’t be too angry at DSS he’s obviously enmeshed in mums issues and so I’m sure felt pressured

There’s nothing you can do. I would ask SS if he has looked at cars yet. But you need to keep your money separate from DHs and don’t fund anything else for SS

How do you know he didn't benefit from it?
You clearly don't like his DM, but you don't know that she took the cash - he could have used it to fund his driving lessons, partying or blown it on drugs.

OP, I would feel exactly as you do now and yes, I would want to know what had happened to the money. I think your instincts are spot on, but I would want to have it in the open.

If it was me, I would wait until DSS was over and you, DH and DSS are together having dinner, (maybe even at a restaurant? Captive audience), and bring it up and say “when are you looking for a car DSS?” He will avoid the subject etc, but then you or DH throw him a lifeline and say “look, you keep avoiding this, we think something has happened to the money, tell us now, did you give some to your Mum?” Make it easy for him to tell you. There’s no point getting angry at him, so make it way for him to tell you, ask how he feels about that - “did you want to give the money to Mum in exchanging for using her car?” And then once all the info is out, say “well, we thought you preferred to buy your own car for these reasons - independent, don’t need to share, can use it to come over to our house as well as at your Mum’s, can take it with you when you left home, an asset in your name etc - but you obviously thought of all these things and decided they weren’t important to you, so that’s ok. You are the one who lives with the consequences of having no car here etc, so we will say no more about it.”

‘And then move on. You can’t do more about this particular situation. But I would make him feel those consequences subtly - no access to your car etc.

Then, you have three other issues to address:

1. confront his mother? I wouldn’t;t bother. It is really DH’s job, and it seems clear he won’t.
2. discussion with your DH that there are no more public promises of money to DSS in advance. You and DH may decide to gift money for other things, but given the situation with his mother, DSS should not be told in advance like this time, so his mother can’t do what she has done here, and probably any gifts of money should be in the form of paying the bill itself, not cash.

3) issue with your DH as to transferring the money without telling you. You haven’t raised this much in you OP, but this is the one I think is key. If a grown man, who is divorced from this woman can’t stand up to her, what hope does her son - underage and who does live with her (so gets the pressure all the time?!?)

@Calochortus

You can absolutely secure a test that quick, I managed to get my second test 5 days after I failed my first test - I just had to pay a little more than usual. My instructor knew someone.

Don't be so naive, if she hasn't got much money it was pretty obvious she would spent the £5k, your DH was stupid giving it to her

I withdraw my apology.

Oh. Okay. Apologies to the poster. My mistake. Trying to multitask as on a break on night shift. Never works for me! Sorry again. My DC don't have a step mother though. Because their dad is dead. Thanks for pointing it out and - again - sorry!

The poster you are responding to is not the OP.

If some of that money was yours I would be as mad as hell about it and your DH would have no access to my savings in the future.

Hello. I think you're labouring under a misunderstanding? My children don't have a stepmother? I also don't drink. Have you misquoted? Have a good evening.

Maybe her son offered her the money if her financial situation was dire ; which could also affect him.

A gift was given by your husband. End of story. If the money was his own money it's none of your business. If it came from a joint account your gripe is with your husband to the tune of £2,500