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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my MIL is a sociopath?

37 replies

RLT2 · 18/01/2025 21:25

Currently 8 weeks pregnant after 2 years of failed IVF rounds before one has worked. Incredibly anxious and exhausted to be honest from how long it has taken to get to this point. Have also been feeling very unwell nauseous etc so have been keeping myself to myself needing time to process everything and how I feel. On a lot of hormones so that doesn’t help either.

First time seeing MIL since she found out and she has just interrogated me on why I am not feeling excited and why I am so negative. When I explained (even though she knows very well) how we’ve had so many failures and I’ve had a lot of time to learn about all the possible things that could go wrong I am too nervous to be excited and it is still only early - I then got assassinated and how can I be like this and what’s wrong with me etc etc. It was like a SAS style interrogation.

She also told me that things don’t just ‘go wrong’ and miscarriage isn’t really a thing for most people!? What?! And if that does happen well it’s just what it is and no point being negative about it. Even when I said I just need time I don’t deal with big change well she was like well this is what you wanted isn’t it.

IVF isn’t something I desperately wanted to do we got told it was the only option and if I didn’t do it before 35 there was good chance it wouldn’t work so I can’t say I was fully excited about it but apparently that’s not a feeling I’m allowed either.

When we left I said to my OH why did you not step in there and he said he didn’t want to hurt his mums feelings so it was obviously fine for mine to be attacked! This isn’t the first time she has been like this but I wasn’t prepared tonight to just pretend I’m fine when I’m not just so she could hear what she wanted to. She is completely void of any empathy or compassion and can’t understand any other view that isn’t her own.

At this point I just want to never see them again but that obviously isn’t an option.

OP posts:
Dotto · 18/01/2025 22:05

I would go absolutely fucking nuclear at my husband. How dare he stand there like a useless dickhead and be happy to see you attacked and your feelings undermined?!

This will NOT happen again and he needs to call her tomorrow to make sure of it.

Maddy70 · 18/01/2025 22:03

I think she was clumsily trying to reassure you. She right in her stats but delivered it badly.
Guvef her some slack

Pickledpeanuts · 18/01/2025 21:59

Congratulations! You're feelings are totally natural and normal.

I agree with the others, limit what you tell her. Have a phrase ready to shut her down, even as simple as "I'm not discussing this". If your DH isn't prepared to manage her then it's best not to get into it with her.

Wishing you well on your pregnancy

Marmalady75 · 18/01/2025 21:58

Having gone through the IVF mill a few times , I can tell you that mixed feelings are completely normal. You are happy to be pregnant, but you are wary of losing the baby. Your body has already gone through a lot and the hormones are at far greater levels than normal.

As for your MIL, I agree with others saying avoid seeing her or at least talking to her about anything personal.

Wirh your DH, tell him he has to step up and deal with her. You don’t need any extra stress at the moment and he needs to be your protector against that kind of bullshit.

Chuchoter · 18/01/2025 21:51

Practice saying, "Oh do pipe down Deirdre! You waste so much time being horrid, give yourself the day off and try and be nice for a change!'

LaMarschallin · 18/01/2025 21:47

You're being unreasonable to think she's a sociopath based on the exchange you described.
Do you even know what the word means?

You're not being unreasonable to think she's been really annoying. Having said that, I think she might have been trying to be positive and encouraging but it obviously didn't go down well.

Original poster
RLT2 · 18/01/2025 21:47

Thank you for confirming I’m not just crazy and miserable. I think my OH is actually scared of her but I have given him a right telling about how he can’t just let her go in on me like that. He knows what she’s like and she’s an all boy mum she very much wears the trousers. If it’s not what she would be feeling then it’s wrong basically. I am sensitive but I’m sure it would be normal to read when someone doesn’t want any more questions on the subject. I need to get a bit tougher I think too.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 18/01/2025 21:41

Why is not seeing her not an option?

CagneyNYPD1 · 18/01/2025 21:39

Well she has just forced your hand, hasn't she?

Minimal information sharing from now on. Keep her at arm's length. No nice little trips to look at baby stuff etc. Tell your H that now is the time to step up and support you.

But most of all, congratulations on your wonderful news. You have every right to feel everything you feel and to take as much time as you need to process all of it.

Timeforsnacks · 18/01/2025 21:34

What is wrong with some people!?

She clearly doesn't care much for your feelings. How on earth does she treat her own friends, surely not like that?

I'm at the point with my MIL where I just tell her the conversation is over and then distract her with a question about something unrelated. If she annoys me again I just leave and go for a walk, sometimes you just have to protect your own mental health. Do let husband know that you expect and need him to shut down those conversations the second they start otherwise it will always be allowed to happen, mother in law will tell you that your parenting your own child wrong unless you get him to stand up for yourselves.

Redcandlescandal · 18/01/2025 21:31

You have a DH problem. He prefers your feelings to be hurt rather than his mothers and stands there silently whilst she’s a bitch to you.

WhoPutTheBomp · 18/01/2025 21:31

Put her on an information diet going forward. No need for you to share your innermosts any more, MIL has shown you she isn't the right audience.

I understand your hesitancy and caution and anxiety, and offer congratulations with a gentle hug.