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Original poster

Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

391 replies

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 11:02

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

OP posts:
Eldermillenialyogi · 18/01/2025 17:28

It's odd that she'd even ask whether she has savings or not. If she brings it up again just shut it down.

OVienna · 18/01/2025 17:25

Asking you for the IVF AND contribute to its upbringing? WTAF.

user1471538283 · 18/01/2025 17:21

What? No!

Whether or not you had the money she doesn't get to spend it for you! If she wants a baby she pays.

Sponsor my arse. Support is what she means. No.

Bigcat25 · 18/01/2025 17:18

This is fucking wild. So sorry for your loss op.

RedToothBrush · 18/01/2025 17:12

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 17:08

Hi all. Thank you for the (many many) responses! I did write back and she understood that I would be responding upon arriving back to the UK anyway.

For those that asked, she's 36/single. So whilst I understand that she wants to meet someone, have a relationship/foundation - then get married and have kids... realistically that would be a few years off.

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

This wasn't in keeping with what was said prior at all, but I suspect she perhaps thought about it/slept on it.

I think it was more that she thought I had money to burn - when I don't! She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself (should she not meet someone) and I guess was figuring out her options.

If she can't afford child then she doesn't have one. It's not like some WWF animal that you sponsor.

Trainors · 18/01/2025 17:09

‘I’m facing the future alone without a partner to share the financial or emotional burden with. Surely you have people better placed than me to ask? I’m not sure why you thought it was applying the first place to be honest.’

Original poster
fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 17:08

Hi all. Thank you for the (many many) responses! I did write back and she understood that I would be responding upon arriving back to the UK anyway.

For those that asked, she's 36/single. So whilst I understand that she wants to meet someone, have a relationship/foundation - then get married and have kids... realistically that would be a few years off.

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

This wasn't in keeping with what was said prior at all, but I suspect she perhaps thought about it/slept on it.

I think it was more that she thought I had money to burn - when I don't! She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself (should she not meet someone) and I guess was figuring out her options.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 18/01/2025 16:56

Beeloux · 18/01/2025 16:53

The bare face cheek of some people never fails to amaze me. I would tell her flat out no and distance myself.
Imagine if she does get pregnant. She’ll be asking you to fund the baby items!

And be her babysitter!!

Beeloux · 18/01/2025 16:53

The bare face cheek of some people never fails to amaze me. I would tell her flat out no and distance myself.
Imagine if she does get pregnant. She’ll be asking you to fund the baby items!

OVienna · 18/01/2025 16:53

Vaxtable · 18/01/2025 11:10

Next time you see her just say I am not sure if you were joking about your IVF comment but I have to make it clear I have no funds towards it

Then change the subject. If she continues just say I didn’t get anything from the estate and my work pay for my trips to the states I have no spare money

This

Thedogscollar · 18/01/2025 16:50

@fjordsnights
A true friend wouldn't put this on you.
You are under no obligation to fund her egg feezing /IVF when infact she doesn't even know if she will require to go down this route.
She's looking at how you are travelling internationally with your job and in her head sees you as her cash cow.
Given that you have only recently lost your partner I'd say she is most definitely a friend you can afford to lose. She's one of life's takers.

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/01/2025 16:48

My jaw seldom drops but this person is appalling. You need to nip this in the bud.

Bigcat25 · 18/01/2025 16:43

*lost income, sorry.

Tubetrain · 18/01/2025 16:42
  1. just say no
  2. how old is she? take home baby rates from egg freezing are pretty low, particularly if over 35
fingerbobz · 18/01/2025 16:41

She's a cheeky fucker

Just say no

Quiinkong · 18/01/2025 16:41

Wtbf! I honestly feel gobsmacked by this. I can't believe she outright just asked you for the money....actually, doesn't sound like she was asking, sounded more than a fact of what WILL be happening. I would be calling her and telling her that even if she didn't have savings, you would expect her to take a bank loan and you don't have that type of money to just give away. The audacity. I wouldn't expect my siblings to feel so entitled even though i would give it to them in a heartbeat but at least they would ask it as a question and not a statement while talking like it's a done deal.

cakewench · 18/01/2025 16:38

nodramaplz · 18/01/2025 16:34

Just testing to her and say

"
Good luck, I'm sorry I can't help "

I like this. Simple, to the point.

nodramaplz · 18/01/2025 16:34

Just testing to her and say

"
Good luck, I'm sorry I can't help "

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 18/01/2025 16:27

You could say to her that you're glad she will be using her savings because you were struggling to find a nice way to tell her you won't be giving her any money.

Bigcat25 · 18/01/2025 16:23

SaffaIrish1 · 18/01/2025 15:53

Widows get taken advantage of. My mum lost my dad many years ago. People seem to think that any money she inherited is up for grabs - like it isn’t really her money. She needs to save her money as she is retired, but people still think that she’s an ‘easy touch’ and she somehow owes money to them. It’s crazy.

It is crazy. And the money is to replace the deceased list income, it's not a windfall.

Hedgerow2 · 18/01/2025 16:20

A lot of the suggested responses on here would just end the friendship. Fair enough if that's what you want.

However if you do want to keep the friendship I'd suggest just dropping her a message to say you were a bit surprised that she asked you to cover the cost of egg freezing when it turns out she actually has savings of her own she could use. Then just say you hope she hasn't got the impression that you suddenly have a lot of spare money because you haven't. The money your partner left you is tied up in pensions and covering the shortfall in your income now you are living alone. You could add that you value her friendship and hope things will work out for her.

Me - I'd drop her like a stone. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

AsFunAsEnglishWeather · 18/01/2025 16:17

When my MIL was suddenly widowed in her 40s she got a payout from FIL's work (he'd died in a work accident). Although she had two young children to support, her shitty family were straight round asking for handouts for new cars and this and that. Made me look at them very differently when DH told me about that. MIL was a soft touch but luckily had the strength to say no, for once.

HomeTheatreSystem · 18/01/2025 16:07

"I am really sorry that you asked this question. There is no good time to ask a friend, who is still deeply mourning the loss of her partner and who is still going through the painful process of trying to tie up the admin for his estate in 2 different countries, for sizeable amounts of money. I've no idea why you imagine I'm going to be so well off that I can afford to throw thousands in your direction. I wish you lots of luck with the egg harvesting and IVF treatment but you need to know that I will not be in a position to fund any of it."

PennyApril54 · 18/01/2025 16:04

She's being very selfish and entitled. Just tell her you won't be able to pay for anything for her but wish her the best of luck .

its2025allofasudden · 18/01/2025 16:00

Sorry about your partner.

I think it may be wise, sooner rather than later, that you've not come into vast sums of money following your partner's death.

That you've not had huge insurance payouts, pensions etc. (If you have then downplay them.)

My sister lost her partner recently and was given a payout - it was his pension which she needs to invest for her life post retirement.

Make it known that most of your travel is work related - ie they paid.

Some people react strangely around death. It can bring out the best in some, the worst in some and strangeness in a few.