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Original poster

Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

391 replies

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 11:02

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/01/2025 12:31

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
She's ignored the gist of your previous message and pretended that you just turned down the egg freezing, so she's now asking for phase two.
I think you'll be damned anyway so may as well spell it out again in no uncertain terms something along these lines perhaps?

"Dear Name."
I was concerned from your response about sponsorship that perhaps you may have misunderstood or I may not have been clear. Whilst I wish you all the best with your plans, I just want to be absolutely clear that I do not want to pay for egg freezing or sponsor a child or pay their expenses in any way, now or in the future. I would be really grateful if you dropped the requests for money from now on and didn't ask me again." I hope you understand.

Nantescalling · 21/01/2025 08:47

It sounds very much like she will be back or the IVF costs. Privately it's minimum 5,000 pounds and people usually try 3 times. If you are in the UK, this applies www.nhs.uk/conditions/ivf/availability/

Minc · 20/01/2025 23:22

She’ll be suing for maintenance next

Banyon · 20/01/2025 21:59

My dentist, bless her. Was 35 and single & Has got her baby the inexpensive way … she scoped out potential mates at a dental conference. She had a few attributes in mind for her sperm donor - tall, graduated from a “good dental school”, single and “nice”. She researched the list of attendees, their social media and had a short list of those who she could get pregnant from at the conference, with her first choice who was from a very very far away country. She and this guy got on really well &
She got her baby. He doesn’t know.

She’s busy as a single mum, building her practice, that she doesn’t go to conferences any more. (Though she did consider attending and trying for a sibling if the donor was also attending …). She got very lucky w her cycle & conference dates.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/01/2025 20:16

She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself

So, does she want you to pay for her to raise the child as well as to get pregnant in the first place?!

DancingOctopus · 20/01/2025 20:15

fjordsnights · 20/01/2025 10:36

@TacCat49 So sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing as well as you can - all things considered.

I think unless you've been through grief - or even settling estates etc... people don't know how draining it all is. They see it as you getting a load of cash and being set for life - and some people think they can approach you for their 'wants'.

It's really not this great/massive windfall at all!

Show quote history

Wow, how unfeeling must someone be to think that losing your beloved partner is getting " set for life".
I am so sorry to read of your loss.
Don't contribute to your friend's egg freezing/ IVF- she is so cheeky to ask you to. Has she supported you through your grief at all?

HappyMamma2023 · 20/01/2025 20:08

She is trying it on OP. Very disrespectful

PeachyPeachTrees · 20/01/2025 19:59

Wow! 2 years is nothing. Any money you have is yours and for your future.

Nc261224 · 20/01/2025 19:44

Perhaps your friend had a temporary lapse of judgement and is embarrassed of herself now (I hope anyway!)

PullTheBricksDown · 20/01/2025 17:36

SinicalMe · 20/01/2025 17:00

If and when she does get pregnant turn down the option, if it's offered, of being a god parent. She'll want you to cough up for all sorts of expenses.

Yes, you'll be Cheryl from The Royle Family to her Denise. Always first on the list of babysitters.

SinicalMe · 20/01/2025 17:00

If and when she does get pregnant turn down the option, if it's offered, of being a god parent. She'll want you to cough up for all sorts of expenses.

FeetLikeFlippers · 20/01/2025 13:34

A “friend” acting jealous and bitter about your success (perceived or genuine) is a massive red flag. A real friend would be happy for you and acknowledge that you have worked hard to get where you are. It also sounds like she is trying to use emotional blackmail on you. She is a dickhead at best and a narcissist at worst. I hope the comments on here will help give you the confidence to tell her to do one.

WearyAuldWumman · 20/01/2025 13:22

OP, it’s been 4 yrs since my DH died and I’m still just muddling through at best.

Some people are under the illusion that I’m well off when - in fact - caring responsibilities put a dent in my pension arrangements.

Once I did get through the stress of sorting through the estate I was left with some money but I’m going to need it all for house repairs.

There were other beneficiaries who initially claimed that they didn’t want anything, but it’s clear that they were disappointed with the amount that they got.

I think that people assume that there’s always a large insurance payout. My husband’s insurance covered the funeral.

Youre right to distance yourself from your “friend”: she’s just going to keep niggling at you.

Violet35 · 20/01/2025 12:05

What a cheek. I would just say I can't lend you any money as I am now planning for my own future, I have lost my partner as it is so there is no income on his side so I need to be secure in my own future.

Flamingosrule · 20/01/2025 11:52

I’m so sorry OP .. I just clicked on you are being unreasonable while scrolling on my phone and can’t unselect it now 🙈

I absolutely do not think you are being unreasonable x

dysonwithdeath · 20/01/2025 11:11

If you were offering the only reasonable answer is no.

If you say "I absolutely cannot and will not fund any of this at any time" that will shut her down.

You may never hear from her again which will show how much your friendship was valued.

WigglyVonWaggly · 20/01/2025 11:04

I’m speechless that any friend would feel it appropriate to ask for a chunk of a widow’s bereavement money. If you were offering it voluntarily for any purpose at all it would be entirely different. Asking is appallingly rude and cheeky.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/01/2025 11:01

TacCat49 · 20/01/2025 04:29

My husband died nearly 2 years to the day so I know exactly how you feel. The winding up of the estate is heart wrenching and in my case I had to sell our house and downside to a small townhouse. Ok I am financially secure but this money has to last for the rest of my life. Your friend is asking to borrow money because she thinks you are a cash cow. I have always said if you can't borrow from the bank then you shouldn't be canvassing your friends. So what if the first IVF doesn't work will she be asking for more money? This could be never ending.
I'm sorry that your husband died.

I don't even think that OP's friend is asking to borrow money. She is expecting it to be a gift and she also refers to OP 'sponsoring her child', which sounds as though she would then expect OP to help support the child financially, despite not being either of the parents or even in a relationship with one of the parents.

Tangerinenets · 20/01/2025 10:58

She’s no friend . I’m sorry ! No friend would ask such a thing especially from someone who is grieving.

Maddy70 · 20/01/2025 10:52

Just say. I'm sorry I'm not in the position to help. Hope all goes well

Whyherewego · 20/01/2025 10:44

fjordsnights · 20/01/2025 10:41

I got the sense that it was a 'two-fold' request. Hence why I felt like I was 'on the hook' for costs down the line - should she want to undergo IVF.

The initial (egg freezing) costs were cheaper - which is why I think she decided to fork out (she said she would take it out of her savings).

I told her it (being any further costs) wasn't possible from me. But I'm still wary/not 100% convinced - despite me being very clear.

Show quote history

I'd say if she's feeling this desperate for a baby she won't be absorbing this clarity from you. But nothing you can do. If it comes up again, reiterate. That's about it

Original poster
fjordsnights · 20/01/2025 10:41

dysonwithdeath · 20/01/2025 10:38

So she will pay for egg freezing then expect you to pay for IVF later? Jesus.

I got the sense that it was a 'two-fold' request. Hence why I felt like I was 'on the hook' for costs down the line - should she want to undergo IVF.

The initial (egg freezing) costs were cheaper - which is why I think she decided to fork out (she said she would take it out of her savings).

I told her it (being any further costs) wasn't possible from me. But I'm still wary/not 100% convinced - despite me being very clear.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 20/01/2025 10:40

@fjordsnights Shut her down properly with a “Fuck no”.

If you use too many words she will hear you inviting discussion. Shut her down.

dysonwithdeath · 20/01/2025 10:38

So she will pay for egg freezing then expect you to pay for IVF later? Jesus.

Original poster
fjordsnights · 20/01/2025 10:36

TacCat49 · 20/01/2025 04:29

My husband died nearly 2 years to the day so I know exactly how you feel. The winding up of the estate is heart wrenching and in my case I had to sell our house and downside to a small townhouse. Ok I am financially secure but this money has to last for the rest of my life. Your friend is asking to borrow money because she thinks you are a cash cow. I have always said if you can't borrow from the bank then you shouldn't be canvassing your friends. So what if the first IVF doesn't work will she be asking for more money? This could be never ending.
I'm sorry that your husband died.

@TacCat49 So sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing as well as you can - all things considered.

I think unless you've been through grief - or even settling estates etc... people don't know how draining it all is. They see it as you getting a load of cash and being set for life - and some people think they can approach you for their 'wants'.

It's really not this great/massive windfall at all!

OP posts: