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Original poster

Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

391 replies

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 11:02

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 28/01/2025 00:15

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:30

your friend is obviously going through something too. Maybe she contacted you as she thought you’d understand?
just out of interest if you don’t have kids and aren’t planning to get pregnant at the moment why so many posts on Mumsnet?

Not everyone here is a mum. Some of us come on here to connect with the ideas of other women.

Plopandflop · 27/01/2025 23:46

She actually said live is too short!!! Omg has she no shame.
the thing it if you paid for egg donation then she would be back for the ivf. Then she would need stuff for when the baby is born, then she will prob want to sent it to private school
it would never end.

My DH and I are currently looking at a critical illness payout as he has been diagnosed with MS. It’s enough to pay off the mortgage and have some left over. That money is to help us through whatever may come in the future. We may have a holiday with Dd as well.

We are not telling in-laws or they and my sister in law would be all over us for money. My parents however would not take it even if we offered it. Guess who has the amazing pensions and has come into heaps of money from relatives- hint- it’s not my parents.

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:39

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Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:37

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Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:34

I don’t think anyone ever sees it as ‘ you just get a load of cash’ after someone dies.’
is that how you see it?

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:30

your friend is obviously going through something too. Maybe she contacted you as she thought you’d understand?
just out of interest if you don’t have kids and aren’t planning to get pregnant at the moment why so many posts on Mumsnet?

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:05

Glad she’s not my dentist

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 23:04

Just to point out my 2nd post was after my initial WTF response and was trying to look at it as a woman just naturally craving to be a mum and we or most of us have been there and it’s not always a simple journey even with a partner

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 22:53

I’m not defending this OP friends request at all but when you get to that point you are consumed and feel that aching loss you aren’t pregnant and desperately want a child it’s not an emotion you can turn off, if she’s realised now she’s single, at a certain age and potentially not expecting to meet someone and looking at other options is the only way but you can’t expect that to be funded by your friends like that. It’s not the right way at all but when I was trying for years to conceive , with a long term partner at the time, maybe she’s asking for financial support not so much for financial support if she has savings but maybe for someone to do the journey with her?
but again she’s gone the wrong way about it and I’m not defending her asking but maybe there’s more to that request that’s not just financial? Just a thought

Hilarioushilda · 27/01/2025 22:40

Wow! I mean wtf!
just have to be honest, if you don’t feel able to do so face to face or on FaceTime just email, message and explain it’s just not possible for you to personally help with. You don’t have to make any apologies here at all.
probably easier in writing and explain you’d happily support them in their journey but just not that way etc

Tanjamaltija · 26/01/2025 17:56

Brass neck, she's got. If you are a billionaire, the money is yours. Why does she not try to have children the normal way, anyway? Please tell her that you will not support her. There is no need to give her a reason. If she quarrels with you over this, then she was never a friend, anyway, but a limpet. What she is saying is 'Your husband is dead so you will not have children, so pony up, so I can.'

Detalina · 26/01/2025 12:18

fjordsnights · 21/01/2025 20:01

So it didn't end well. Think it's safe to say the friendship is as good as over. I made my point - yet again - and she just got more and more defensive and angry. She admitted her anger was at 'men' in general and how she's unhappy in her life and where she's at/single etc... but it was long after lots of strange angles she took/argued regarding her 'plans'. It all just got stranger and stranger. Started lecturing me on how 'giving' has been proven to make people feel good and that a baby is a blessing... and then reiterated that we get 'one life and it's short' (I know, my partner died suddenly!) and that we should all be able to reach our dreams/goals.

I think she's having a crisis and is worried about never being able to have a baby. For that, I do feel for her - but the behaviour was/is becoming more and more strange. So dropped the topic and I highly doubt I'll hear from her again, in truth.

I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. Grief has no timeline, please be gentle with yourself. Grief counselling might really help, in case you haven't tried that already.

I'm also so sorry that your "friend" was so insensitive and selfish and demanding..... It sounds like she is really struggling with her situation and can't see beyond her own nose right now. Whether you were wealthy or not, that doesn't make her entitled to anything. She seems very manipulative to try and twist this into something 'to benefit you'. She doesn't seem to know you well (assumptions about work travel and finance) or even care about you (her behaviour is horrendous... The life is short comment, how insensitive!!!) so although I think - in theory - helping a close friend with their fertility journey could be a beautiful thing, she does NOT seem like a good candidate for your support.

I don't have experience of partner loss, but if it helps with perspective: I got fixated on my unplanned childlessness at her age, and it definitely made me go a bit crazy / lost my judgement (not to the extent that I expected others to fund my treatment though!). A counsellor told me that infertility is classed as grief by therapists. This actually really helped me to deal with it, and I was able to make peace with my situation eventually. Maybe your friend has been told the same and so thinks you've got a bond, which in her eyes legitimises her massive overstep?

So in summary: Yes, infertility is hard. She might be in the thick of it and her judgement is twisted up. But you are also in the thick of it, following the loss of your partner - and her predatory assumptions, sense of entitlement and manipulation of you is NOT ok. YANBU. I'm sorry you lost a friendship, but it sounds like she wasn't a good friend.

Sending you love and healing and only the best people in your life xxxx

SusieLawson · 26/01/2025 11:08

That's selfish to purposely create a child so they don't know their biological background.

SusieLawson · 26/01/2025 11:04

The world is over populated enough and there are children in care who need support. It would be better if she helps children without a family to care for them, than creating new children in an unstable environment.

Detalina · 26/01/2025 11:00

Startinganew32 · 18/01/2025 11:20

This is a good message. Wtf? Why is it your job to pay for her IVF? Egg freezing is a waste of money anyway unless she has them fertilised by donor sperm to create an embryo. So she’d be better off using her savings just trying to get pregnant by a donor which is ethically dubious as the child won’t know their dad but lots of people do it.

Show quote history

Woah there @Startinganew32 , please rein your judgement @Startinganew32

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/01/2025 07:01

Your friend is horrendous. This is not something you should be funding for her, it’s completely inappropriate for her to just assume you can afford it.

and most importantly does she know what your own feeling are on having children. If you want them but are potentially missing out too due to the death of your husband who you then she is incredibly inconsiderate.

Mitzuko · 26/01/2025 05:00

She can ask whatever she wants, you simply say no.

JMSA · 26/01/2025 02:50

She's a vulture. Steer clear.

Ottersmith · 26/01/2025 02:46

What would be the point of her freezing her 36 year old eggs anyway? If she wanted to do that she should have done it 10 years ago. Assuming she doesn't have fertility issues, why would she need IVF? She can go to the sperm bank and then go to a clinic where they insert the sperm straight in the womb. Or she can find sperm on a website, or have a one night stand etc etc. She is insanely picking the most expensive option. But 36 year old eggs aren't worth freezing.

ByBrickEagle · 26/01/2025 02:32

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ThatMerryReader · 26/01/2025 02:03

Your friend is nutty as a fruitcake. I would seriously reconsider being around such a utterly demented individual because next time she loses her marbles you may be the one suffering the consequences.

Remove this woman from your life. It’ll keep you in good stead.

EPN · 26/01/2025 01:50

That's an insane thing to ask. I would reply to the message and say you are no way in a position to help with this. Just to make is crystal clear. Does she have any family to check if she's ok

Pupinskipops · 25/01/2025 22:30

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 17:08

Hi all. Thank you for the (many many) responses! I did write back and she understood that I would be responding upon arriving back to the UK anyway.

For those that asked, she's 36/single. So whilst I understand that she wants to meet someone, have a relationship/foundation - then get married and have kids... realistically that would be a few years off.

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

This wasn't in keeping with what was said prior at all, but I suspect she perhaps thought about it/slept on it.

I think it was more that she thought I had money to burn - when I don't! She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself (should she not meet someone) and I guess was figuring out her options.

Wow! It gets worse! Is she expecting you to contribute financially to the upbringing of a hypothetical child? I'd knock her straight off my Christmas card list!

Pupinskipops · 25/01/2025 22:27

Bloody cheek of the woman!

fingerbobz · 25/01/2025 21:05

I know plenty of women who have been in her situation: myself included

Never ever considered asking anyone for money

Just go have a shag !