Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

Far too much explanation. Just say “I’m sorry, this just isn’t possible.” If she keeps on: “Like I said, it isn’t possible.”

She’s not a real friend op. Keep it brief and say no to future IVF and she must be mistaken by thinking you have that kind of money to spare. She’ll let you down anyway a different way if she’s this entitled.

I agree with this^ especially to be watchful about joint spendings with her. It sounds like she wants to take advantage of you.

I also think that you need to nip it in the bud straight away for various reasons one for yourself - it will bother you until you’ve dealt with this and the second for her : you don’t want to give her any false hopes and the reason for guilt tripping you down the line with the stance “ you promised “ .
So send her a short clear and straightforward message: Hi Helen , thank you I arrived ok, just tired. Re your money question I won’t be able to give or lend you money for egg storage or for IVF or for any other procedure. Please don’t raise this again - it’s spoiling our friendship. Fijord. “
And then do as you said - don’t go into conversation about it. If she texts you something again and again, answer her again: No, I won’t lend you any money.
Don’t give her even a glimpse of hope that you might think about it in the future. It would be better for her on the long run - she shouldn’t make her life planning around your money.

I agree that I think you need to respond now, or else your silence could be taken for tacit approval, and later if/when she asks about funding IVF she could say she incurred the first costs thinking you would pay the second ones.

Dear Sarah,
Thanks for your message, it sounds like you’ve making some big decisions about difficult things right now. I understand how that can be. My recent bereavement has changed a lot of things for me and I am still working through all the emotions.

in relation to your inquiries about lending money, I think it’s important to tell you now that I don’t ever lend money to friends. An old rule I have after reading Hamlet at school (never a borrower or lender be!). I thought you might already know this, as it’s been a long standing rule of mine, but if not, whilst I know you aren’t asking for anything now, good to have it clear between us.

Hope all goes well for your procedure, if you decide to go ahead with it, and let’s catch up for coffee sometime next week. Let me know when you are free.

No, don't send this.

It admits you have money kicking around and she'll keep asking / guilt tripping you.

Send something as mentioned by @Floralnomad that you're not in any financial position to help and not to spoil the friendship by asking again.

I don’t think this person is your friend and I’d be very wary of them. Has she perchance become a lot more interested since your partner passed away?

I’d just text back, I’m glad you’ve been able to find this from your own savings. Just so that you are aware, I do not have spare funds to either loan or give you for IVF in the future. Good luck with the egg freezing.

What a bizarre thing to do to someone dealing with bereavement. To see you as a cash machine. I would be saying a clear no.

I agree that your friend is being bizarre and unfair in asking you for money in this way. I think it would be fine for you to politely tell her that you don't want her to ask this of you again.

But my reply here is more motivated by your general sense of grief, loss and confusion. You are still deep in bereavement, and that plus the admin stresses you mention is an awful lot to deal with.

My own experience of a bad bereavement has left me with a very generalised sense of confusion and numbness. Everything feels out of kilter and strange, like coming into a film halfway through where everyone but you understands the plot.

I think you do have to take particular care of yourself. Probably without meaning to , your friend is at risk of getting something from you not as the result of an authentic choice on your part but as a result of the confusions of bereavement.

I hope that you have had some counselling already and/or that you are able to think about doing this in the future. If you do have any spare cash for healthcare/medical-style expenses it is your needs, not your friend's needs that the money should be spent on

EDIT: Just to add, I do think you sjhould be pretty direct with her, since she had overstepped so much. Something like "I wish you all the best with this [friend] but I don't really think it is appropriate for me to be helping you finance it. Please don't ask me again."

I'm so sorry for your loss OP ❤️

How insensitive of your friend to ask for money. I'd ask her why she thought you could afford to help her.

To slide out of it, you could say (vaguely) that your funds are tied up and you'd have to ask your financial advisers. If she persists, you can say 'Sorry, they're not keen.' Or even that, for them, it would have to be a proper, organised loan over 5 years at normal rate of interest.

This is weird. So she has savings but asks other people to finance her. I would be wary of her going forwards and definitely not lend her any money.

Given her subsequent message, I think you need to set her straight OP. Uncomfortable as it may be, I'd just reply and say "hope it all goes OK for you. Just fyi though, I don't have any money to lend/give you for IVF so probably best to think of some other plans for it"

Or something to that effect. You don't want her coming back in a few years and saying that she thought you'd implicitly agreed to.help

Wow entitled isn't she?
Nip this in the bud now or it will fester and ruin your friendship anyway...
Hi friend, glad you have got savings to cover your wish to ttc... Sadly I can't help as nobody knows what's round the corner and my money has to last...
Best wishes and good luck with it all!
Op

That's weird. I have friends who are very well off but that's their business and I wouldn't dream of asking them for money

This. Although I'd be tempted to use these exact words as I think they are excellent.

You're friend has behaved very badly in asking you for money.

Tell her your money is tied up and you can't loan her any. Have a reply ready for when she asks again.

She's got a cheek.

So you would like me to take out money from my savings so you don’t have to take out from your savings?
I don’t understand?

Absolutely not!

Egg freezing = Maybe if necessary & for a limited time assuming it was something she was in the process of doing

IVF = no

Either way though you don't agree to anything "in advance" or indefinitely least of all somebody's £20k+ project

(Also sorry to hear about your husband but I just have very strict opinions on the actual question)

She sounds completely dreadful and insensitive. Has she been supportive to you following your partner's death?

I can't believe that she would make this request of a grieving friend. Her reproductive choices are not your responsibility and you need to say a firm 'no' regarding funding her egg freezing and IVF.

If this causes you to lose a friend, she wasn't worth having in the first place.

If she can't afford the freezing or IVF, how is she going to afford to raise a child? YANBU

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your "friend" is trying to use your loss for her financial advantage.

I got approached by a couple people for money after my husband died even before his estate had been settled. Some people think there might be big insurance payouts and some people try to take advantage of your grief. Unfortunately, this is a time when you find out who your real friends are and who are vultures.

Tell her to get to fuck. She isn’t a friend. She’s a user.

This is a good message. Wtf? Why is it your job to pay for her IVF? Egg freezing is a waste of money anyway unless she has them fertilised by donor sperm to create an embryo. So she’d be better off using her savings just trying to get pregnant by a donor which is ethically dubious as the child won’t know their dad but lots of people do it.

She's so focused on having a DC that she's lost sight of your bereavement, she's treating your loss as some sort of windfall. She doesn't even want a loan, she expects it as a gift. Be blunt, they'll be no money from you and I'm amazed she would even ask