Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

I think it's weird that late trend of asking for money for IVF, I have an close acquaintance lately asking our social group for money for same thing, she's in her early 40's and husband in his early 60's... I may understand that 'motherhood urge' popping later in life after sowing your wild oats or building a professional career etc... but I don't think this is healthy for her or a future child so I'm not funding it. In my case I'm saving for a mortgage so I can put a permanent roof over my head (which is more important) so I might ask my middle class friends to help me fund said mortgage because why not?

Cheeky bugger.

I ask her if what she means is she wants you to pay out of YOIR savings rather than her use money from HER savings?
Then laugh.

You sound insane. That's not how normal people behave.

Oh c'mon, you're being much too kind to this 'friend', wouldn't you want to have a little fun? Pretend that you're going to give her the money and then change your mind at the last minute. See if you can make her beg for it and still not give it to her.

Like many others, I like this response. It's to the point and will get her off your back unless she's so thick-skinned the rhino enclosure at the zoo should expect another occupant - which I wouldn't be surprised at, btw. How did she come up with such a toxic combination of cold-bloodedness and stupidity? She doesn't deserve you as a friend and I'd make it absolutely clear that any more from her on this subject, or your money in general, and you're done. Many condolences on your loss OP.

Even if you were willed millions it was very inappropriate to ask. Even worse the follow up "let's wait and see".

I really can’t think of any circumstances where it’s acceptable to ask friends for money.

She's not a friend, she's a greedy, heartless bitch and she needs setting straight now.

"Hi X, I was a bit taken back when you mentioned this over facetime and honestly didn't think you were being serious. But just to be clear, I will not be funding any treatments or procedures, now or in the future. I can't believe you'd even ask me that."

It totally sounds like she’s expecting you to fund this in the future, totally cheeky.

I’d send “I may not have been as clear as I could have been when you first mentioned needing money for having a child. I’m not in a position to help you financially and thought it best to clarify this, so you can continue your plans without including my money in your calculations”.

Having to go through IVF is a horrible thing and I imagine choosing to do it alone because you haven't met someone is even harder. So I feel for her in that respect.

HOWEVER this is a very very cheeky request, especially if she then said she could take the money out of her own savings! The mind boggles.

I think I would have to send her a message when I felt calmer saying I think she'd got the wrong end of the stick about how much money I was earning/got from my partner's death, don't have money to be lending out.

Not sure what your situation is, but if DH died the money I'd get from his life insurance would go toward paying off our mortgage and life costs for me/DC because we would no longer have his income coming in. And I imagine many women aren't able to work so much if they're solely responsible for the children.

A real friend wouldn't do this. Don't give her a penny

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Absolutely do not give her money for this. I can’t believe she’s even asked you! It’s her own job to fund this and not your responsibility. She sounds grasping and entitled.

How old is she? Egg freezing often doesn’t work, egg retrieval can be risky and it’s all a stitch up by fertility clinics to get money out of women.

I’d take a step away from the friendship if she asks again.

Jesus wept 😯😳
She's not a friend she's a Predator!!
Don't give her a penny, she'll spend it on some luxuries for herself and then come back with hands held out for you to pay for her fertility treatment.

"She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see." "

I wouldn't leave this hanging over my head. If you don't respond to this ASAP, further down the road she'll be wailing at you that you 'led' her to believe you were going to finance her IVF and she planned around that. I mean - what the actual fuck?

I'd suggest you shut it down completely.

'I'm not worried about it, and do not have to wait and see. You seem to believe I have agreed to fund your plans, I absolutely have not. You stunned me with your request, and I don't know where you got the idea from that I could or would do this.'

I'm sorry for your loss. ((hug))

Really poor behaviour from her.

Even if you were a millionaire, this is not a reasonable ask.

Id be wary of her and distancing myself. Obviously say no. I’d just say “no, but good luck with it” and leave it at that.

NO WAY … Tell her the Interest on her loan from you would be more than a Bank would want.

Whenever I hear about people struggling to respond to outrageous requests I'm reminded of a phrase I heard from Gavin de Becker (The Gift of Fear) who said, "a man's no is the end of a conversation but a woman's no is often seen as the beginning of a negotiation."

However you shut this down make it firm and final. "I will not make a financial contribution to your life choices now or in the future. Do not ask again."

Do not apologise and do not explain yourself. Her request is outrageous, your refusal will be reasonable. Do not second guess yourself.

You need good friends you can rely on not ones who are thinking about how to exploit you whilst you are still grieving. If you lose her as a "friend" for saying no she was never really a friend. I'm sorry for your loss.

This is the right approach, even if it feels a bit, blunt - if you don't nip this in the bud OP then yes, I think she will be asking again if IVF is required (or anything else she needs money for) and you'll always be waiting for that "next request" - put an end to it now and at least you haven't got to wonder when the next call is coming, and if it ever does you can just say that you made your feelings clear already and that still stands.

I don't think I've ever seen a 100% YANBU vote but in this case it's the right result.

Be kind to yourself OP, it sounds like you've been through a lot, I'd second some counselling, I think you'd benefit from letting out some of what has happened in the last two years, and I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

My standard answer when someone asks something that is absolutely beyond normal parameters of human interaction.

"No, that's not something I would do"

People who ask this are either:

1. absolutely unaware of social norms
2. Massively over-entitled
3. Unpleasant people who are trying to steal from you

I could tolerate people from group1 as friends and would make them aware that it's not something you ask people. Groups 2 and 3 are not worth it.

Wow. That's a huge commitment to be honest.

If your initial thoughts weren't "Sure, let's do this thing" then I think your answer to her has to be no. From what I understand it's an annual storage fee not a once off payment so there is that. IVF is very costly and you could be dipping into your life savings to fund something that (worst case scenario) may not end up being possible to carry to term. So you would be in this for the long haul - either way.

I'd be somewhat honest with her and say that you've been able to travel to and from the US because it's for work and not that you've suddenly become a high flyer but it is required for work. I'd tell her that you cannot afford to contribute to her egg storage or her IVF because you don't know what might be around the corner in relation to your own health issues and you need to have funds aside for whatever you might need (your nest egg if you will). You sympathise with her situation but you aren't able to help her for this thing she is looking for.

I'd also consider giving this friend a bit of distance as she has started seeing you through eyes with dollar signs in them and not as a friend any more. You deserve better than that.

I'm also so very sorry for your loss.

I have had ivf myself and it’s a massive gamble. There is no way she should be asking you for money for that it’s a personal decision whether or not to do it and there are no guarantees of it working. The cheek of her asking you this when she has savings.

Sorry for your loss OP. I would reply ‘I wish you all the best but have to say I am in no position to help you financially now or in the future. My inheritance and earnings are much less than you may be imagining . So please don’t ask me again. But keep me posted, xx’

wow!

I think I’d just ignore it and see if she brings it up again and if she dose say no you can’t think about doing that as you have your own things to deal with.

@fjordsnights dont give her anything, now or in the future!! she is taking the piss! if she has savings, then why ask you in the first place???

You need to cut this off clearly.

"Hi friend, lending or giving money can be really toxic for friendships, so I won't be doing that. I would really appreciate it if you can please not bring it up again. Thanks"

At this point, she can remain your friend or not. Her choice entirely. If she's only friendly for your money, then she isn't worth keeping.