Is The Detail Of Infidelity Important?

31 replies

UnreliableMemory · 18/01/2025 09:45

I’m sort of sorry to post this but have no one that knows me that I can ask because I’ve never told a soul. 24 years together this week, with two kids. He’s the perfect soulmate, gentle, caring, considerate, ethical, romantic still, attentive, a hard worker, a dedicated Dad and until recently great company. He packed in his own social life when our first was born and devotes all his time to us. But for a time I obviously didn’t appreciate his qualities and during a period of around 5 years which ended many years ago, I had a handful of ridiculous, maybe even risky one night stands. It took me a few years to confess what I’d done but after some counselling and a little turbulent time it looked like we’d put it behind us. However, recently and a lot of years later, he’s become really withdrawn dwelling on that time.When I try and explore what’s wrong with him he wants to know every intimate detail of those encounters.

AIBU to not want to discuss it after all this time?I don’t know what is more damaging, him knowing or me not telling him?

OP posts:

Mischance · 18/01/2025 10:28

He is the wronged party. He needs to talk it through. You owe him this.

It may result in a split, but not talking with him is likely to have the same result. Give him what he needs and hope for the best.

But knowing the intimate details isn't the way to solve that, even if that's what he's become fixated on. He is the best person to decide what will help him. Fixated has a negative connotation which I think is not appropriate.

Discussing it properly may reveal why you felt it necessary to do these damaging things and that could be positive, increase understanding on both sides and raise areas for change for both of you.

WrylyAmused · 18/01/2025 10:22

Also suggesting couples counselling.

If years later he's still dwelling on it, then I think telling him the intimate details is likely to fuel that rumination and be more destructive to both people's peace of mind rather than helpful.

What's more important, I think, is to think carefully about why you did it, what you were trying to get out of it, and why you now realise it was a terrible mistake, (including either why you no longer need those things, or how you're getting them from him or others in a way that isn't cheating) so you can communicate that to him and help him to regain confidence in you and be reassured that it won't happen again, and to work with him on how to help him feel more secure and to build trust between you again, and rebuild the attachment and connections.

It's understandable that he needs help to rebuild trust and confidence in the relationship, even years later, if it's still preying on his mind.
But knowing the intimate details isn't the way to solve that, even if that's what he's become fixated on.
A good couples counsellor ( I recommend Gottman trained ones), will hopefully be able to uncover what's really underneath the desire to know

thepariscrimefiles · 18/01/2025 10:22

He may have forgiven you but he obviously hasn't forgotten what happened.

How old are your children? If they are now at a stage where they are more independent, maybe your DH has more time on his hands to think about what you did. Maybe he felt that he had to forgive you and move on when your children were small, but is now re-evaluating your relationship/marriage.

Oblomov25 · 18/01/2025 10:14

It's classic behaviour, he thought he could forgive you and move on, he probably even wanted to be able to forgive you, but actually he can't understandably because the trust is gone. You can't seriously be surprised.

Alphabetalphabet · 18/01/2025 10:01

I think he has every right to discuss this with you if he needs to.
He is the one who has had to adjust his life and try to get past your cheating. The least you can do is talk openly about what happened if that's what he needs to do.

Whatifitallgoesright · 18/01/2025 09:49

Have you ever had couples counselling?

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