Is The Detail Of Infidelity Important?

I'm guessing your children are teens and older now? Becoming more independent?

Some people do suppress their feelings to remain together for their children - and you've said he's been a devoted father and husband.

But I expect right now if children are growing their own wings he's either worried you'll stray again and wants to test the water about why you did previously or he no longer can pretend it doesn't matter as much and is planning your separation.

Personally I couldn't (and didn't!) stay with someone that cheated - whatever the reason and details. So fair play to him for giving it a shot.

If you see a further together if that's what he decides you are going to have to give him the information he needs.

Also you have to be realistic - this may well be the end.

If you don’t give him the honesty he needs, it’s probably over. But if you do, he may not be able to handle what you tell him, even with couples counselling, and it may still be over.

Unfortunately, you can’t undo what you did. Nor can you control his reaction to it, now, in 10 years, or ever.

It could be as simple as that he compartmentalised while the children were younger for fear of ‘losing’ them, only seeing them (at most) 50% of the time, so he managed to put it in a box and lock it away until they got older. Now it’s all resurfaced again when he’s no longer in survival mode…

I would recommend seeking a specialist counsellor for both individual and couples therapy. It seems he is ruminating and likely experiencing flashbacks, which are common symptoms of PTSD. This situation needs to be fully explored, so it's time to face the issue and start the healing process for both of you.

Regrettably I was in that position a few years ago. My instinct was to disclose as little detail as possible, probably to try and save his feelings and my embarrassment. But over time he was obviously concealing his own hurt and supressing his resentment and it just built up. About 7 years after first disclosing my infidelity it began with odd questions about details of specific events. The questioning became more frequent and incessant, and although part of me wanted to tell him, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him the intimate detail he wanted (and some of it I just couldn’t remember). Our relationship eventually broke down after 21 years. I deeply regret that and I miss him and our relationship every day even now. Remarkably though we remained friends and recently went traveling together as friends. In that time it became clear he still desperately needed to know and although difficult to come to terms with, I began to understand why. Firstly, not telling him was keeping up the dishonesty, the cheating, the secrecy and the betrayal/feeling of being excluded. That caused him to create things in his imagination that just didn’t happen and the only way of dispelling those thoughts was to tell him really what happened, as far as I could remember, even the sordid detail. Secondly, his trust of me in every context was severely damaged and his trust of others had/has been damaged. I realised when we were friends, that his confidence and self esteem had taken a battering. Until we went traveling at least, he was a very lonely looking bachelor. Thirdly, and honestly, after years of keeping it in myself sitting opposite him across a table with a beer at his request I unloaded everything and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from both of our shoulders. Over days that followed, the odd supplementary question just felt like telling a friend. We’ve been back now nearly 9 months and not a cross word between us. I know it’s over and that is very hard to live with, but knowing there is trust now between us as the closest friends we could possibly be means everything to me. For your sake, his and probably the benefit of your children be honest, as hard as it might be. It will be worth it.

I think it’s down to him to decide if he wants to know the detail and if he does then you need to give him and honest account, because if he asks you the same questions later and you change the details then you will have instantly affected the trust again.

From what you’ve said it wasn’t just a one off mistake … you’ve slept with several other people whilst in your marriage. I don’t think you get to decide if / when he “should” get over it.

You’ve described him as the perfect partner, but you still disrespected and risked that. He may well be wondering why.

That being said for your relationship to survive then there does need to be a line drawn under it .. but it doesn’t sound like that’s possible. Tbh I don’t know how he forgave you … perhaps for the children’s sake and as PP said he may be thinking about his decision now.

Actions have consequences and you may need to accept he’s in a different headspace with it now.

Can you even remember? I wouldn’t be able to after the passing of so much time.

I think understanding what triggered is very different from: "I wore purple underwear, then he did this with his tongue, then I did that... That's the kind of detail it sounds little he's after. I'm not condoning what OP did, just that I'm not sure why the sudden interest in detail and whether it's helpful or not.

I am not sure the time lag is relevant unless it is simply that there has been more time for it to fester. Who knows whether something has triggered his need for information at this moment?
Either way the OP owes it to him to be honest... he deserves that at least.

She should have either kept quiet or disclosed all right at the beginning.

How can he take steps to avoid a recurrence if he does not have the full facts? He needs to understand what triggered all this ...

This happened years ago but the urge for details only now.

I've never cheated nor been cheated on.

But if I was I'd want to know every single detail. Every time you lied, how you calculated what you needed to say to get away with it. If you pretended you'd been working and how you hid the evidence of the extra mileage you did to cover it. What days, what times, how she kissed you, what she wore, what excited you. I'd want to know every single detail.

What has changed? Why is he focusing on this now?

You're a liar and a cheat. You either do whatever it takes to make him feel safe and comfortable or you leave him.

It is your responsibility to be uncomfortable and answer whatever he wants to know. You don't get to take the easy option and avoid.

I wouldn't have told him tbh. It was a mistake.
Well, several. It seems like it won't help to go into detail about these things. Unless he wants to split up or is now cheating himself? If I were you I'd say we can go back to therapy if you want to talk about this stuff.

Well what triggered this now? Is he cheating?

Why, all of a sudden, does he want to know details? - wouldn't anyone want to know? Sounds pretty normal to me.

They can't move on till it is ALL out in the open. Then they have something to work on to try and avoid it happening again.

I agree with everyone that it needs some unpicking with a professional? Why, all of a sudden, does he want to know details? Is he looking for a way to justify changed feelings towards to you? Has it just all caught up with him as he reaches a certain point in his life (and why?)? I think when looking at this things, the answers may be very difficult to navigate 1:1 so you need to either do counselling separately with the same person, or together, so they can help navigate. But I would say not to just 'go there' alone and don't allow your guilt to think you need to disclose everything. It may not be helpful, it may be helpful to your H (I'm not him) or it may be helpful in helping him leave you if that's what he's looking for. This will take a professional though.

With respect it isn't as simple as that. As t this stage some control is needed and that can't come from either of the couple. This is if they want it to work.

If you have a discussion where you disclose everything and he asks everything without reflection or boundaries, I think it may spiral and questions may be asked that he will wish he had not asked. Or, you may decide what is best and draw a line so he's left unfulfilled when it could have been discussed delicately and sewn up.

I think the marriage has come this far, it isn't a write off. But this next step is sensitive and I think needs professional guidance. He's asking something specific. You both need to get it right.

Well if you haven't told him when he wants to know you're still keeping secrets and lying to him and your marriage cannot move on and recover (if that's what you both want). If he wants to know you need to tell him.

He deserves every detail he wants, because he's obviously still working through his feelings on this and needs the details in order to work out whether he can stay in the relationship or not.

You don't have to give him those details if you don't want to, but if so you may as well end the relationship yourself, because it's not fair on him.

It’s definitely something that needs to be explored in a counselling space where you can both freely express your emotions without it turning into an argument or shouting match. I think the nature of the infidelity is probably also driving his need to know more: this wasn’t a stupid meaningless drunken mistake - a series of one night stands is something you have to actively seek out over and over, and I can totally understand him thinking “what were you looking for and what did they have that I don’t?”

But, and as a counsellor will point out, he has to acknowledge that he has chosen not to separate and to work on your marriage. With that also has to come the acceptance that he can’t keep digging this ground over and over, and needs to concentrate on moving forward - and that if he doesn’t think he’s able to do that then he needs to agree to divorce.

Couples counselling and explore it in a safe space. Maybe some counselling on your own first. To truly face up to what you did and why.
The worst outcome is he leaves you - but by avoiding his questions you are already going down that path. You need to switch your mindset that not talking about it saves the marriage.
💐Be brave - you owe him this. The flowers are cos it will be hard. If you want to show him how much you love him then you have to go through this.

That’s fair.

I think try and navigate this with a good relationship therapist, rather than one of you decide what needs disclosing if you want it to work.

If it's factual detail such as how many people, who, where, how did you meet, how long did it go on for , then ok I think you should tell him (with the counsellor). But if it's sexual or emotional detail then put a pin in it until you get someone to help you both discuss the matter with respect and boundary setting. I'd say it's out of the scope of just the two of you. Accept that, seek help approach in good faith.