How to make my peace with our lifestyle

Doesn't he care that there'll be no spare money to help your kids at uni, with a deposit later etc.? If you're good earners this would be a possibility if he didn't fritter it all away. And what about retirement?

Split leftover money (after bills, mortgage, food, childrens necessary clothes and clubs etc).
Then you both have the same amount for either spending or saving

Maybe you could go on a small campaign to be more ecologically aware as a household in 2025? You could gamify it - see who can make the biggest reduction in their carbon footprint.

My dh buys lots of pointless crap - not expensive, just unnecessary replacements for things we already have that are perfectly fine (in my opinion). But we have gradually found a way of gently cross-checking purchases with each other. He will have an occasional splurge (at Christmas) and he also does this thing of buying the wrong size, promising to return and then just taking it to the charity section at the dump. it is so annoying.

you can also create pressure from below via the kids. Talk to them about plastic and other pollution, palm oil, fast fashion, the billions of tons of waste and the fact our planet is dying. My dd has become a big fan of Vinted - she almost fainted when she went in a Hollister store after Covid and saw the “real” price of the clothes she wears. Teach your kids to budget and show them how far money goes … show them how much a house costs and work out how much they’d need to earn to have car, house etc

I don't know how people are interpreting the voting options - I voted YABU because I think OP is unreasonable in wanting to accept her current situation. Which other posters seem to agree with but that's not reflected in the poll.

I really wouldn't like this either.

I do think it would be reasonable, if not fair to insist that a portion of yours and his wages goes into a long term savings/ investment vehicle and that IT IS NOT TOUCHED.

You're facing a really precarious retirement. That would worry me deeply.

It would also worry me that he is spending money that could go to your children for their future - house deposits etc.

I had a family member who did this. Of course, he then ran off with another woman, and financial resources were split, after all her scrimping and saving.

Like a previous poster I too think it's odd that you've labelled your want of security and having funds to pay next month's big bill as 'boring'. That's not boring, that's sensible, practical and very very normal.

If you're each giving a portion of your wages at the start of month to pay bills and essentials, and then he fritters away the rest so has nothing to save at the end of the month then why not up the essential amount each of you pays to include a chunk for saving? So that's being ring fenced at the start of month?

Maybe he feels it's nice to spend now on gubbins as it's for the children and he wants them to have it all. Could you pursuade him to save on the basis it'll be there for use in the futures or for a big purchase or family holiday etc....so he sees saving as still benefitting the kids?

"Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family"

Howling!!! 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

You say you don't have financial difficulties but also that you wouldn't know how to pay a big bill, or deal with a job loss. That seems like a difficulty to me.

I think I'd insist on having an account where enough goes to pay the essentials, another account which is for savings to build up a buffer, and then anything left over goes into an account that you can both use for extras. If there's nothing left in that account, he can't spend it.

My family is very comfortably off and I have a lot of savings and I'd still be very annoyed by money wasted on things not returned to shops! It would feel disrespectful to the hard work we both put into our jobs.

There's a spectrum here.

If you have never hit financial difficulty he's clearly not too far towards one end if it as many impulsive spenders do but financial difficulty.

Equally, if one is always saving and never does anything spontaneous or has any treats life can be a bit grey.

Look at your financial position overall. Long term assets - do you both work and have pensions? Are you in industries where if you lost your job you could get another one quite quickly?

Do you have life insurance?

A lot of the things people save for can also be sorted by buying insurance.

Do you rent or own your house? If you own with mortgage then downsizing/moving to a cheaper area can be an option in cases of financial difficulties.

The standard advice is to have about six months worth of normal spending in savings to give a cushion in case of job loss etc.

There's a balance here. If you own your own home, both have pensions and work in stable industries where you would get another job fairly easily then getting the kids smart watches after Christmas is neither here nor there.

If you are renting, on one income and that's in an insecure Industry I'd be a lot more wirried.

Approach to finances is a big, foundational issue. I wouldn’t like it.
I think it sounds like your husband has some deep issues around money. Is he ok with eroding the security of your family ?

This issue is causing resentment, and you never get over that, it will eat away at you. But it won’t bother him.

It sounds like you're not really compatible in your approach to money or life. Have you always felt like this? Maybe some counselling would help

She also said they have a big bill
coming and she doesn’t know how they will pay it, so there is trouble on the horizon.

How much do you guys earn and how much are your rough outgoings. Setting out the facts will let me understand if your feelings of acceptance should be the way to go?

Honestly that would stress me out a lot. I would request that a certain percentage of earnings gets saved as it comes in to an account he can't access and then let him know he is can go on spending sprees with the rest without me complaining about it. But my percentage would be pretty high. I heard something on a podcast this morning that said something like people who only plan ahead to the weekend spend a lot more than people who plan ahead by ten years. Maybe get a financial advisor to advise you both on the future, see if that will help change his perspective.

Is it actually causing a problem though? Like debt or not enough money for what is needed. Or is it just that it annoys you because it isn’t sensible?

You need to sit down and agree a budget together. Figure out what gets spent on all the essentials each month, then what are joint wants, what is a reasonable amount to spend on the discretionary category balanced with what is a reasonable amount to spend.
Then he if wants to buy something it comes from the X amount you both have and when it runs out for the month it’s gone until the next.