How to make my peace with our lifestyle

Tell him he needs to put an extra £300 in the joint expense account each month to build up family savings. Stop using your own savings pot to pay for shared expenses (vet / car bills). Be direct about what is needed.

Separate accounts. A bills account. An account each for spending. Then you won’t be as stressed by what he is doing. If he gets into debt it’s his issue. I married someone like this now divorced. I don’t miss the stress as he hasn’t changed.

You need a direct debit from the joint account into a separate household and car maintenance fund, to cover household repairs, car breaking, vet bills etc.

Work out how much you need to spend per year on this, divide by twelve. Set up direct debit

It's funny because even if you're buying a cartfull of crap from temu on a daily basis, it will never match the carbon footprint of various industries. When I see people weeping about not using reusable nappies and moaning about carbon footprint about an annual holiday to Europe, I just despair.

Maybe if people are GENUINELY THAT horrified about carbon footprints, don't have children. That's the real impact, not some stocking fillers from temu.

You are in financial difficulties if you have to use your savings for regular bills. What would have happened if you weren’t there and hadn’t saved?

Not being financially secure is a massive burden and stress that is making you unhappy.

Where is the compromise? Why do you have to “learn to accept it”???

Why does he get to choose what the family’s money is spent on.

Honestly, I would describe having rainy day savings, paying bills and maintaining the house as “needs” and his materialistic spending as “wants”

It sounds like he doesn’t value your feelings if he is not willing to sit down and have a grown up conversation about it and find a compromise to your reasonable needs.

Not being on the same page about finances is a major cause of divorce.

Why would you make peace with this? He sounds like a bit of a baby who can't control himself around treats. Not attractive in anyone.

It's good you haven't been in financial difficulty yet, but sounds like more luck than judgement on his part.

Who's told you you need to just roll over and "make peace with your lifestyle"?

He is the high earner, so ultimately it's his money and how he spends it is his decision. My DH is also the higher earner and I can't really control what he spends his money on as long as he pays his share of our bills. Not much you can do apart from starting to earn more and save more of your own money.

But! Buying your kids stuff without your approval sucks and shouldn't happen. If he spends money on himself that's fine but buying big things for kids without consulting you is a bit rude.

I wonder who he is trying to impress?
Was he was bullied as a child or made to feel a failure and he deals with his insecurities by being lavish and materialistic to show people what he now has and can provide his children.

While DH and I have very similar spending styles, a bit of saving a bit of splurging.
What works for us is to have a joint account for all family money.... all decisions for spending this money are discussed. And it's really only for bills, joint savings, family holidays etc...
Then we have the same monthly "allowance", from the joint account into our own personal accounts, and we can spend that as we wish. DH spends all his every month, I save some every month but then I might have a weekend away with friends and blow it.

He does sound financially a bit reckless to me, but if you've enough money to live maybe it's OK? Are you also putting away savings?

Make a Budget.
Why should he get to spend/fritter away all his leftovers, while you wisely save for that rainy day.
He should also contribute to the Rainy Day fund.
Sit him down and show him all expenses and outgoings.

Why is that funny?

I take it as a sign that someone is a right thicko if they’re constantly buying crap from China (Temu/shein etc) and not considering the impact of their pointless consumption.

Divorce him now.

You have no great assets so you won’t have to hand over half your savings or pension for him to piss up a wall.

You have no great debts so you won’t be landed with them either.

You have time to save a pension which will not be used to subsidise his profligacy until you are living on a pittance.

Go through CMS. They will take out child support from his wage before he gets to spend it.

You can create a life with your children that may be smaller than it is now but will be stable for the long term. Just imagine the reduction in your stress knowing that you can pay your bills. I couldn’t live the way you are right now.

Don’t think it as breaking up the family. Look forward to the comfort of stability. If you stay with him, you face a life of unhappy bleakness.

This is very similar to myself and DH. He likes buying stuff, I am very frugal and actually dislike “stuff”. I’ve learned to adjust to it, and not judge his way as wrong.

However, he would never buy wrong-sized clothes and shoes and not return them. That is just lazy, wasteful and stupid. It’s disrespectful of your joint finances.

That needs sorting out. I would be saying he needs to get on Vinted or ebay and sell it all before he can buy any more.

I think in your position, I’d set up a savings vehicle of my own just for the peace of mind. I’m like you, and like to have a healthy buffer for life’s rainy days.

My view is that a good marriage is approached much like a business partnership, someone has to be the accounts department, and if DH isn’t suited to that, then sort it out yourself OP.

I don’t think you can or should make peace either this. He’s a reckless man. If he were my partner I would expect him to compromise with a joint savings account with monthly direct debit on payday and returning unwanted items to shops. Otherwise I’m afraid I’d be making plans to leave him.

I could not accept this - sounds like you need to compensate for his spending to stay on track and that would not be something I could or would want to advise someone on how to accept.

You don’t have financial problems currently, it can all change.

I had some health issues in my early fifties, I had planned to retire at 60 at the latest but stopped at 52.I could afford to retire because DH and I had a careful approach. We eat well and have always had lovely holidays and eaten out quite a lot but don’t buy stuff unless other stuff has worn out. In that sense we are accidentally eco friendly but it’s because we are careful.

what you need is to work out exactly how much was spent last year, easily done with online banking. Then you can see where your money is going.

As for not sending back that don’t fit on a regular basis. I know MN is full of be kind and all that malarkey but I would be telling a partner they were thick as shit for doing that.

Your OP is unclear. It says

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

That means that now you are in significant financial difficulty.

Did you mean, “So far, we have never…”?

”Until now” sounds like a mistranslation. also
“The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning.” doesn’t make sense.

Is English not your first language?

It sounds like you shrimp and save to cover his splurging so that doesn't seem fair.

I think giving you ideas on how to handle this is not the best of ideas, as it’s enabling you and possibly making you stay in a situation longer than you would. (Similar to some women who say ‘he hits me, but is great at other times, how do I get him to stop/learn to live with being hit, so I can stay for the children?’. When everyone removed from the situation can see the only thing the person should do is get out).

But assuming you know your own life, and know best, I would have a chat with DH and say you’ve going to stop taking on the mental load of worrying about $, and in order to do so, the best way forward for you both is to have one joint Bills account, into which you both have an auto transfer of you total yearly bills divided by month and split in salary proportion.

Then you have a second account called House, which is 1-2% of your houses value, again divided by the month. Again you both put in an auto transfer every month from your salaries, in proportion. (As an aside, 1-2% is minimum what is recommended people spend on home upkeep each year. So this is for emergency household work when the boiler/oven breaks, the plumber needs to be called or, hopefully, you planning ahead and using it to replace the oven/washing machine/roof when you know it’s getting old etc).

Then you have a third account called Holidays - same as above. You can’t take a holiday until you have money in the account to pay for it.

After than, all your money is your own, in your own personal accounts. You can save and he can spend, it’s your own choice. But the three accounts above are not to be touched except for those things. Make them hard to access the money if you too, as the second and third should only be accessed for long planned purchases anyway.

Personally, I would say you need an Emergency Fund of 3 months expenses first, and forgo the holiday fund (or pay more from your own portions) to fund this. But I suspect your DH will not respect that account and see it as one to ‘raid’ when he wants something. So I’d do the above and probably save on my own, knowing that my own savings won’t be used for emergency big bills anymore.

Finally, you have to stay chill, and enforce it. So there isn’t enough money in the holiday account for a holiday DP wants? Then you don’t raid another account, you go on a smaller holiday (or no holiday) and save up for next year. If DP buys iPads or smart watches from his own account, fine. If he raids one of the accounts, you insist he repay the money immediately. If he goes into his overdraft to do so, it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX. You have detached. You are chill. The main accounts are secure, everything else is his problem.

In a perfect world, I’d also suggest 6 month Emergency Fund account, offset against your mortgage, and money into your pensions. But that’s something you can work towards. I think it will be v hard to do the above as it is.

The question that immediately springs to my mind op is why on earth should you accept it?

I haven’t read your previous posts about this and your op is confusing.

On the one hand you say that you have never found yourself in ‘significant” financial difficulty?

And in almost the same breath you mention that you are “panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it?” And that you cannot accrue savings? And that you are receiving red letters from the bank?

So which is it?

It sounds to me like you clearly are already in financial difficulty, and are storing up significant financial problems up for yourselves, if you are starting to worry about paying big bills and you don’t have any savings if something goes wrong eg your boiler blows up in mid-winter!

So point one is that you can’t begin to approach a problem correctly if you deny the reality and seriousness of it in the first place!

You know in your heart that this situation is serious and it is not sustainable. It will catch up with you eventually and will cause you endless stress in the meantime!

How old are your dc op? You need savings to get them through university or some form of higher education. You need family savings as back up emergency funds in case one of you can’t work. You need savings to contribute to private pensions.

You love your husband and so you are telling yourself you must accept his behaviour and somehow you will all muddle through,

I’d like to know op why in your head you have arrived at a place where you think the best course of action is acceptance?

Is it because he is the bigger earner?

Or is it because there is some sort of unequal power dynamic within your marriage?

Or is it because somehow he has gaslighted you in to thinking your values don’t matter as much as his?

Or is it because you have tried to resolve this a thousand times and he won’t change his behaviour and you know that your marriage will be in danger if you push any harder?

Or he has some sort of coercive control over you that you daren’t challenge?

Your dh is damaging your family op! What are you going to do about it?

I don’t mean to sound harsh because my sympathy is one hundred percent cent with you. This situation must be beyond stressful. He is playing with your family’s safety and It’s utterly irresponsible.

It sounds like you have tried and you can’t change his behaviour, so the only thing left is changing your reaction to it, and you know what this means in your heart of hearts, and it’s crunch time, and instead of challenging him and confronting the situation, you’ve decided that burying your head in the sand or “acceptance” is the better plan.

I hope I’m wrong but that probably means he is unwilling to ever change and that leaves you with an inevitable dilemma.

One bit of advice op: love is not enough and it’s one thing putting yourself in a precarious situation, but please don’t accept it for your dc.

Why on earth are you reluctant to ruffle his feathers when he has no conscience at all about totally flattening yours?

Here’s a link to information about coercive control just in case you need it:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance-framework/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance-framework-accessible

Next time there is a big bill that you have to dip into savings for it's a good time to have a chat about a new joint savings account to cover those big bills. Even if it's not loads it would at least be a start and a drip drip drip to help him see your point of view.

It’s not really two different approaches though. I’d see two different but equally valid approaches as:

1. choose to have a big house and associated mortgage and spend frugally in other areas to pay for it.
2. choose a smaller house and mortgage with spare money for holidays and cars / material things.

It’s stressful. Same in this house. DH just doesn’t know how money works… He’s better since we had DS. But I pay the bills & look after our finances. He hands money over every month. We don’t have a joint account.

I like to buy things, too. But there’s a budget. I’ve got savings (he doesn’t know how much, it’s for DS). When he was given money (inheritance) I begged him to hand it over. Maybe spend some? But he blew the lot…

It's reasonable to agree an amount to go into a savings account every month. That probably would go a long way into helping you feel less anxious.

Also -- maybe you should plan some spending for yourself from time to time.