How to make my peace with our lifestyle

I agree with this. My DH’s ex spent money in a similar way while he was trying to save. He realised that they couldn’t afford the lifestyle that she wanted and she thought he was being mean by trying to stick to a budget. It was one of the reasons that they divorced because financial security was more important to him than having designer clothes, expensive holidays, lavish gifts and regular theatre trips.

DH and I have been married for many years and we have never once needed to use our overdraft, even though we are not high earners.

I’ve got friends like you…they’ve had to borrow money from each of their parents to pay mortgage at times because of his proliferate spending. I’d say you should have a household budget, certain amount of fun money each and you should build up savings for emergencies. Rule of thumb is 3-6x your monthly household budget as a fund. This is then ONLY used for emergencies /, like boiler breaks, someone loses job, etc. not to be dipped in for a holiday. Once you’ve got that any extra money could be spent on fun stuff. I’d sit him down for a serious chat. You’ve got kids he needs to be more responsible or you’ll be in tricky situation if you actually do have emergency. Also suggest wills, income protection insurance and life insurance for same reasons if you’ve not got these

OP what we do is have a joint account where everything goes in and then we both have seperate accounts where we each get the same ammount of discretionary funds, so we can save them or spend them without permission. We also have a seperate "SGW" bank account (shit goes wrong) we chuck £250 a month in that and we use that for surprise bills like a boiler repair or car has failed MOT etc. We also have a holiday funds account and chuck £250 a month in that too and a joint savings account and ISA's.

It really helps us to make sure we have a set amount of everything that can only be touched for it's intended purpose. It's not fair if your discretionary funds are getting used on emergency bills. A compromise can be reached if he truly is your partner and equal and just a bit daft with money. He can still have fun spends, but after bills, savings and emergency pots have been allocated.

I would probably insist that you both have to sign off on the "SGW" fund being used though otherwise he'll just see it as his personal overdraft.

I was the spender in our relationship btw, but this system has helped me reign it in and now we have 3 years of expenses saved even though we have fairly modest (at least by mumsnet standards) incomes. 😅

You could be sitting pretty financially though instead of skating by. As things are it wouldn't take much to destabilise your family financially, which you recognise and are seeking to avoid. I think an honest, direct conversation with him is needed in which you clearly state that the current situation is far from desirable, and that you will be managing family finances going forward and that he will be a le to continue to enjoy spending, but will be required to spend within his means (no credit, no overdraft).

Absolutely this. I know someone with similar issues. If the “reckless” one never has to face reality, they get all the pleasure of spending and none of the worries. Joint account for essentials only. Put his name on some bills so he has to take responsibility. Get your own savings built up so you feel a bit safer. He won’t change, so all you can do is change how you manage the situation.

OP, I wonder how much of a difference there is in what your earn?

Does he earn 10% more? 50% more than you?

It just seems really unfair to me that you are the one to use your savings in household bills. Especially if it turns out he has significantly more than you.

He sounds massively irresponsible and a very poor role model for your DC.

I was really impressed by a dad with his DD in the supermarket the other day, she was probably about 4 or 5 yo and at the age of picking everything up off the shelves. He was chatting away to her, she picked something up and he said, no no put that back, we don't need to buy everything we see.

I thought what a brilliant dad to engage with that child and give her such an important lesson 'in the moment' like that.

you shouldn't accept your DHs behaviour. Sounds really stressful for you, because he just isn't on-side and clearly is refusing to see his attitude to budgets and spending as a problem.

does he come from a background where he didn't have much? Sometimes, overspending is compensation for having very little in childhood, making up for lost time etc.

My husband tracking our Octopus account on the other hand is a pain. We had guests at Christmas so more heating, hot water. He moaned about that 😁

I would make sure that his debts are in his sole name only and that what you consider as joint assets are legally recognised as such. Also ensure your sole assets are in your name only so that you cannot be held liable for his debts. His day of reckoning mayor may not come but just ensure you are not drawn into it

I love my banking app. Moving money around. Only keeping a small figure in the current account. Moving money into the savings account when it comes in. Also tracking my credit card which I pay off early.

I'm saving much more this way.

Separate spending money is the only way.

Can you instigate a savings account with DH to be used for a yearly splurge such as:

• deposit for a holiday house
• an adventurous holiday
• a new car
• a landscaped garden
• a boat

We’re a BIT like this, though it’s more that money trickles away without DH noticing.

But when I suggested saving for a big thing (primarily for the children) we both really enjoyed it. Watching the savings go up provided a better dopamine hit even than spending money.

They aren't an independent financial advisor (who only really work with people with 500k minimum of savings)

Actually that isn't the case, I've worked for IFAs and a decent one will take on someone with little savings, but will work with them to increase these savings, help them invest pensions wisely etc. Actual existing savings isn't a requirement for most, it's the willingness to understand how important it is to have some in the first place and enough income to put something aside.

An IFA should go through income & outgoings, ideally for both partners, and advise on how much is sensible to go where.

By the way, the standard advice is to have at least 3 months of all required outgoings in an easily accessible savings account, and ideally at least the same in a reasonably accessible place e.g. investments that can be easily disposed of to give money within a couple of months. With an inveterate spender, you might want to think of more than that!

If nothing else, having a professional lay it all out to him in black & white in an understandable way may help him to realise just how imprudent he is being.

You’re walking wide eyed into financial problems. Going into an overdraft and draining savings to pay a bill IS financially difficulty.

What happens next time when the savings are empty and the overdraft is maxed out? It only takes one problem to snowball and then you’re screwed.

This is not a small stuff problem. Buying expenses things and not returning them is akin to having a bin fire in the middle of the lounge and setting fire to money in front of the family.
While we can have broadly different approaches as a couple once you have children the level of responsibility changes. By behaving this way he is putting himself before the rest of the family.
If you are financially stable and have spare money if you have kids it makes sense to have savings that will assist you as a family as time moves on.
You are living with an anxiety which is building and it’s valid. You need a serious conversation.
It doesn’t mean that he has to start wearing rags and eating noodles, and I’m not offending noodle eaters I love them, but he needs a budget for his treats, and that’s it.
If he won’t play ball then quite frankly he really doesn’t care that much.

You both need to grow up and stop accepting it. You’ll end up in financial ruin.

I would not be staying with someone who got me into debt.

We have a similar dynamic. I think I have made peace with it. As a poster said this is about control and being disappointed that he isn’t responding to your need for control. What is in your control? Leaving the relationship. What isn’t? How he wants to spend money.

if you’ve decided you don’t want to leave the relationship (perfectly valid choice) then you need to let go.

also for me, I found that I was the one with the problems around attitude to money. I didn’t have counselling but it came up in some coaching. Basically money was a huge source of anxiety even when there was plenty

my coach asked me what would ease the anxiety. £200k savings? £300k savings? I realised nothing would. I would likely always worry because it was about lack of control, vulnerability etc. not about my bank balance.

weirdly enough, I started being able to let go from that point- that was 2022 and I’m much calmer now.

my Husband and I have separate finances and always have- he spends too much for my anxiety levels.

also have a think about the positives, because there are plenty. I have had some amazing expedience because my husbands pushes for excessive treats. I’ve been happy, years on, that he pushed for the most expensive bathroom suite or windows because they quality became apparent. I’ve been pleased that he pushed for the best holiday rather than the most value for money holiday. Your children will be having great experiences on Thea shopping trips etc.

This tempers the fact that he pays his tax late and sometimes doesn’t transfer the mortgage money 😂

A slightly left field datapoint for you. My late husband was very much like your husband by the sounds of it, and I was certainly more inclined to your approach, though not as ‘extreme’ (not meant as a judgement at all). And yes, everything was always fine in the end…glass half full vs glass half empty approach to life I guess.

Well, he died suddenly in his late 40s and now, looking back, I’m happy that his approach to life and money created so much shared fun and so many shared memories for me to remember fondly. So, I’d have to admit that he was right and I was wrong. Fortunately he’ll never know that 😂 Being here now with more money but less to look back on would, in some respects, just be a longer list of ‘what if’ and ‘I wish we’d done’. But, I recognise that I have a very comfortable life anyway; were this not the case, who knows what I’d think, I suspect not much differently.

This flowchart may help, particularly from steps 1 and a bit downwards.
The Flowchart - UKPersonalFinance Wiki

Anyway, financial conflicts and differences between people are difficult to handle, and a key source of separation. Partly because they are also about lots of underlying issues, about childhood, about planning, responsibility, future ...

@Meetinginthemiddle , to follow up on the posts about appealing to his psychology, maybe look at some fancy savings accounts.

For example, Nationwide's current offering includes:
– Flex Regular Saver, 6.50% interest, save up to £200 a month for 12 months, 3 withdrawals allowed over the year without penalty, but the fourth withdrawal crashes the interest rate to 1.75%.

– 1 Year Triple Access Online ISA (ie tax free) or 1 Year Triple Access Online Saver, 4% interest and up to 3 withdrawals without penalty.

And some 1-year bonds.

And there are many similar accounts from different banks and building societies – the former building societies seem particularly geared up.

Might help him get his dopamine fix by feeling he's getting a special deal and seeing his balance rising monthly.

Actually going into the branch and sitting down being advised on accounts might also help him feel special as a high-earner. (I had to administer my parent's estate, and the way the banks treat you when they think you're handling a lot of money is... different from what I was used to!)

It might help shift his hobby from spending lots of money, to getting his kicks through saving and investing.

I don’t think you should suggest it, you should just tell him this is what’s happening and it’s none negotiable.

I have all the bills coming out of my account. That might be your only option. He transfers the bill money for his share to you and keeps whats left to spend how he pleases. You know the bills are covered.

I think these mixed messages for children are awful.
I couldn't be with someone for 5 minutes whose view of money was so immature.

I find men who are financially irresponsible and spend what they like expecting their partners to fill the short fall, deeply unattractive, selfish and intellectually severely lacking.

I have a friend whose husband is like this.
She is the higher earner and he plods unambitiously in his job letting her carry it all.
They are together 30 years.

She recently received 300k which was expected and she will have savings for the first time despite a 100k salary with no morgage.

He had been talking about plans for the money...quite happy for HER to work into her late 60's, another decade while he retires next year.

I told her she was a complete fxxking idiot.
I told her that he will blow that and whilst her friends are off enjoying a well funded retirement having nice trips she will be having to work on like the work horse she is.

I really spelt out to her that it has been shocking to watch this continuously over the years.
I have mentioned savings many times over the years, but never as bluntly as this.
I never talk about our money but I gave her a truthful idea of the many multiples of her inheritance that we have for our retirement.
I told her that all of our circle will be likewise because they haven't had a hobby/toy/ fancy trip obsessed husband for 30 years spending a fortune on himself every year.

Anyway it appears it landed as she, without discussion has invested it fully for 2 years.
He was very very upset and she told him for the very first time that perhaps they have different goals and that she wants to retire and perhaps now is the time to separate.
He was absolutely speechless.
She also has now transferred her salary into her own account and has told him she will pay half the bills whilst they decide about divorce.
He cannot believe she has been so calm.

She told me that what finally registered with her was the realisation that she will not be able to join her friends on trips as she will be forever working.

He's done the fxxking Camino 10 times, he could do tours...she has NEVER been.
HIS plan for this summer is doing Route 66 for 3 weeks with two friends.
He is now scrambling to pay for it as the joint account is now barely covering bills.

These twats only care about themselves.
They certainly don't love their partners.
They are leeches that knew exactly what they were doing.
No way would they have ever been with a partner similarly feckless with money.
They know well they need some idiot to fund them.

A similar attitude to money is critical for a happy marriage because it is a huge part of trusting someone to do right by you both as a unit.

Because I find it funny.

No, climate change exists.