Baby announcement gone wrong

Sounds similar to you from what I’ve read. You made you FIL’s birthday all about the baby you’re having in what 7 months. He’s already got a grandchild that you don’t want pushed aside. But you kinda pushed him aside yourself with your nutty behaviour

And exactly how do you magically know what her response was?

OP, I totally get your upset. It's not that you didn't get to do a big reveal, it's the fact they didn't show any bother about the pregnancy and instead focused on being lied to.

In hindsight, if you knew they already knew, then telling them at that point may have been a better idea - but also, they could have reacted better too and shown some understanding about why you may have told the others out of necessity rather than a readiness to share.

I hope you can all put it past you and work it out xx

You need to take a long hard look OP at your part in this because your need for a big announcement when you knew they were aware and had also lied to them about it

and then to leap to it being about your son being pushed out is a massive overreaction

they were cross about being lied to and have to sit through this charade and now you are making it all about you

get some therapy to deal with your childhood

Pick your battles

I am not convinced that a childminder would agree to reserve a place for someone who is only 5 weeks pregnant anyway. It’s so far in the future and no guarantee the baby will be born at all.

I think it’s probably the lying and gaslighting that’s upset them. And that really isn’t surprising. They’ve been made to look idiots.

I'd be a bit annoyed if I were them. Why didn't you tell them before the childminder?

Exactly that.

Everyone is an expert in mental health these days.
My auntie's next-door neighbour is a CPN so I can reliably tell you that OP is a drama llama.
(My actual DH is really a consultant psychiatrist and tells me my humour is sometimes inappropriate. I say "Meh! Expert Schmexpert")

Why would you see a childminder at 5 weeks pregnant? Why would your partner lie and say it's someone else with the same name in a small town where everyone knows everyone? Why would he lie anyway? Why would you deny it then have the gall to annoyed at mil when she was annoyed that a cleaner and childminder have already told her you're pregnant ..and you denied it and didn't tell her yourself? Why would you have such early pregnancy documents?

Even if this is true, which I really doubt, mil and fil were clearly hurt. You have some apologising to do instead of being angry and defensive as a result of your own actions.

Maybe. But nothing in your post is describing that. Of course she's hurt that you flat out lied. You should have been honest after he childminder thing. I really don't see the point of lying at that point.

And if something is a secret, don't tell anyone. Once you tell someone, it's not a secret any more. 5 weeks is ridiculously early to tell a childminder. Waiting till 12 weeks wouldn't make any difference

I can see it's sad that your planned announcement didn't go as expected , but I would be more annoyed at childminder - they wore told confidentially and the cleaner - did you tell them to keep it quiet too after they caught you being sick ?

I would be telling childminder and cleaver how sad and upset I was that they had spread the news before you had a chance to tell your family

I would also invite pil around and tell them the above

And at then end of the day congratulations - you're having a baby and they are getting a new grandchild , how absolutely lovely

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.

From where I'm sitting @GAZ0188 , unless finding a childminder once you have the baby is going to be like trying to find hens teeth, I don't think it was a wise decision to ask about childminding at 5 wks pregnant.
As for the morning sickness - I don't think there was anything you could do about the cleaner discovering you.

All of that said, even if the grandparents knew ahead of you and your DH made the announcement official, they should have reacted better - been more enthusiastic and happy rather than the way they said "We know" which is coming across as dour and irritated that others knew before they did.

Last point I'd be making is that at 5 weeks pregnant you have no idea how the pregnancy is going to go so had I been in your shoes, I would have waited until at least 12 weeks.

I wouldn't go no contact with the grandparents - use this as a reset button if you will about how things will go, now that you know how they react when they aren't the first people to be informed of stuff. Give your DH a break too as he's trying to walk a tightrope between you and his parents and they really don't sound like the worst parents in the world.

Because it would’ve spoilt the insta moment of the older child wearing a t shirt. Unfortunately, MIL and FIL didn’t react like performing monkeys as they should’ve, with faux cries of surprise, so they’re being blamed for spoiling the non surprise.

Or even Person A"s fault if they assumed that person would have known before her.

Why didn't you just confirm with MIL that you were pregnant once CM had spilled the beans? It seems absolutely ridiculous to have lied about it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

you are all overreacting. I could vaguely understand mild irritation if this was your first baby, but... get used to this. Nobody cares about your pregnancy as much as you do even for a first, 2nd and subsequent? meh.

It’s all in the response.
‘No, you must have me confused with someone else.’ Immediately change subject.
It’s really not that hard to have someone’s back if you care about them.
Also note, supposedly MIL didn’t know. So why would she engage in that conversation further than a response like this?

I know it wouldnt have been the announcement you were planning, but why didn't you just come clean to them after the childminder told them? Why lie to them like they are stupid?

They must have felt like the whole village were in on it once the cleaner had told them. No wonder they felt a bit flat about it.

If you feel you need to get angry at anyone, it's the childminder and the cleaner for breaching your confidence.

Mil hasn’t been manipulative here. She’s hurt that she’s been lied to.

She may be the Dr Evil of Mil’s on every other occasion but here she’s got a good point.

She announced to a CM that’s she’s pregnant at 5 weeks, to arrange childcare? Gaslit her MIL, treated her like a fool.

She can and has complained, but is justifiably being handed her arse in a plate.

Said she felt sidelined as a child when her sister arrive, but uses her own child as a message board.

MIL is not the narcissist here.

It's really disappointing that they weren't able to put their own feelings to the side to celebrate the fact that you are pregnant.

I think it was bad taste of them to ask you about it after hearing from the childminder. It's very normal to not want to share pregnancy news before 12 weeks. They should have held off and waited for you to confirm yourself.

That said, instead of the "thanks for asking how she is" your DH should have said how sad it was that they couldn't force a smile about their new grandchild and instead made it all about their own feelings.

I wouldn't cut them off over something like this, but I wouldn't bother sharing anything else about the pregnancy with them if they aren't able to share in the happiness.

Get rid of the cleaner.

No, I’m not. But as I’m not a psychologist I don’t go around, like too many MNers do, labelling people as "manipulative" or "narcissists" when I don’t get on with them well.

No need for a "birth announcement". I think everyone is being a bit silly here. Focus on your pregnancy, tell your in laws to do the same. I agree with @SilverBowl , it's all got a bit performative.

It’s the OP that’s manipulative