Page 4 | Baby announcement gone wrong

GAZ0188 · 2025-01-18T07:35:31+00:00

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement. We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name. My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out. Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically. I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply. Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time.. I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Cosycore · 18/01/2025 11:58

Nah

yabu. If you wanted to be the ones to tell your in laws then you should have waited and spoke to them first.

you spoke to a childminder while the bed was still warm.

Anonycat · 18/01/2025 11:57

LookItsMeAgain · 18/01/2025 09:42

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.

From where I'm sitting @GAZ0188 , unless finding a childminder once you have the baby is going to be like trying to find hens teeth, I don't think it was a wise decision to ask about childminding at 5 wks pregnant.
As for the morning sickness - I don't think there was anything you could do about the cleaner discovering you.

All of that said, even if the grandparents knew ahead of you and your DH made the announcement official, they should have reacted better - been more enthusiastic and happy rather than the way they said "We know" which is coming across as dour and irritated that others knew before they did.

Last point I'd be making is that at 5 weeks pregnant you have no idea how the pregnancy is going to go so had I been in your shoes, I would have waited until at least 12 weeks.

I wouldn't go no contact with the grandparents - use this as a reset button if you will about how things will go, now that you know how they react when they aren't the first people to be informed of stuff. Give your DH a break too as he's trying to walk a tightrope between you and his parents and they really don't sound like the worst parents in the world.

They didn’t say they "wanted to be the first people to be informed of stuff". They were just justifiably upset at being told about a coming grandchild by two comparative strangers to the OP, and lied to by their son when they queried it. There’s a difference.

UnctuousUnicorns · 18/01/2025 11:57

"Why did you wait until after your 12-week scan to tell your PILs? Did you tell any other friends or family before that?"

Nobody apart from my DH and I knew about any of my three pregnancies before the 12 week scan. Oh, and the relevant healthcare staff, obviously. I didn't even tell my own parents till after the first scan. I thought that was normal, and besides, it was my business to decide when to tell anybody, family, friend or whoever. 🤷‍♀️

Dutchhouse14 · 18/01/2025 11:56

If I'm honest if my DS and has partner were having a baby and I was told by a cleaner and a childminder I would be really hurt.
You should have told them as soon as the cleaner and child minder knew.
When did you tell your parents?
I might have been tempted to say, oh Yes l already know the cleaner and childminder told me your news, congratulations , we are very excited for you.
I truth it would have been an anti climax for them.
One day your son may do similar to you and then perhaps you will understand.
However I think they could have reacted more politely and supportively and hid their understandable hurt and you could have behaved better and been more understanding of their feelings and why they were upset.
You both need to apologise and move on and tone down the drama

iamnotalemon · 18/01/2025 11:56

I'd be more pissed off at the cleaner and childminder re lack of confidentiality and professionalism!

snowmichael · 18/01/2025 11:53

> What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction

Surely the happiness is you're having a wanted and loved child?
They can't take that away from you

Flossflower · 18/01/2025 11:53

You say you were 5 weeks pregnant! Given that you start counting from your last period your pregnancy has only been around for about 3 weeks. Very early to start counting on things. Why on earth you needed to tell a childminder. At least you know she is not suitable to look after your children as she can’t be trusted.
You and your ILs both sound bonkers. You wanted this huge wonderful moment when you told them. You are too dramatic.

Oioisavaloy27 · 18/01/2025 11:50

SerafinasGoose · 18/01/2025 11:22

First, congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I'm sorry you've been upset by this. It seems to me an awful lot of things have been blown out of all proportion here. Announcing things with fanfare seems to have fanned the flames here. We simply told the people who needed to know and expected that everyone else would know soon enough. Keeping these expectations proportional, and expecting nothing more than a 'how nice, congratulations' in return, would likely prevent things from escalating in the way they have. I appreciate that ship has sailed and this could seem unhelpful after the event, but it might help you weigh up the plusses and the negatives against each other here.

Your in-laws' reaction was ludicrous: a toddler-tantrum. Wanting to be first to know something, in competition to be first to see the baby, or 'best' grandparent, is the sort of attitude most of us left behind in the playground. YANBU to be irritated by this - but you're hardly into NC or even VLC territory here. It doesn't merit taking seriously. A laugh, a 'don't be silly', and an assertion that we are not children, everyone will get to share in the good news and new arrival, and that no one is in competition here would be enough to shut that noise down with any remotely sensible person. I'm not surprised you were taken aback when it happened, but your reaction when the in-laws were present was a little disproportionate. However, given you merely removed yourself from the situation and didn't cause a row, this is something probably easily moved past.

IMO, you need to heal this breach before it widens, as these things have a habit of doing, and this would benefit no one including your children. I'd behave as though nothing had happened: no apologies or justification from your side and any repetition of the above stance from them dealt with by telling them this is all very silly and there is enough love to spare for everyone. Let the waters settle, give a bit of space all round for people to calm down, and then continue as you did before.

Sorry I disagree! The in-laws were probably humiliated they were lied to several times, can you put yourself in their shoes for a minute? They were made fools off, villages and towns are small places everyone talks, can you imagine walking down the street and meeting someone called Marge and she says congratulations I heard your dil is pregnant however you've already been lied to several times and told no she isn't so you say to Marge no Marge Dil is not pregnant you must have the wrong person to then find out the Dil is actually pregnant?

Toolardy · 18/01/2025 11:47

So your husband lied that you weren't pregnant then you expected a fanfare from the big announcement? I'm team in-laws.

lizzyBennet08 · 18/01/2025 11:47

Op
Of course they were disappointed to hear the news second hand from 2 different people and didn't react the way you expected them to when you got around to telling them. Hiding in thr bathroom for ages makes you sound absolutely nuts though. I think you absolutley need to talk to someone if you over react like this .

Vinni8 · 18/01/2025 11:46

This is probably how my in laws would react too in this situation, because they're a tad self conscious and would feel ridiculous to try and pretend to be surprised

Are you sure it's not something like this?

SerafinasGoose · 18/01/2025 11:45

Anonycat · 18/01/2025 11:33

"Wanting to be the first to know" about a son and DIL's pregnancy is not the same thing as wanting to know before being told by a childminder and a cleaner, and then being lied to by your son when you asked him about it. (Which is what actually happened.)

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Don't sweat the small stuff.

I personally don't happen to think this is worth opening up a family schism over. There is blame on both sides of this situation.

Floralnomad · 18/01/2025 11:42

Complete drama over nothing . You knew MIL already knew . Who asks about childminder availability before they’ve even had a scan ? You all sound very well suited to each other quite honestly .

PheasantPluckers · 18/01/2025 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hmm, was thinking similar.

Dramarama.

Why did there have to be an announcement? When did people stop just telling family things and begin announcing them? So self absorbed.

Also, you/your husband outright lied when the childminder let slip.

Lastly, and I know this makes me look an utter knob, you didn't 'seen' anybody or anything, you saw them/it. Perhaps if people picked up a book once in a while, their brains wouldn't be befuddled by this kind of shit.

Superhansrantowindsor · 18/01/2025 11:39

Don’t get the fuss. I just phoned my mum and said hey good news I’m pregnant. No fuss - just a how lovely comment etc. please move on from this. It’s not worth getting upset about.

willowbrookmanor · 18/01/2025 11:38

You booked a childminder space at 5 weeks pregnant?

JustMyView13 · 18/01/2025 11:35

LaMarschallin · 18/01/2025 11:13

Maybe it’s a skill not many have refined, but I don’t think it’s difficult to shut down a conversation about a ‘loved’ one. Particularly if they’re sharing info you don’t know.
The answer would be - sorry what!? I think you’re confusing me with someone else. And move the topic along. But then I know how to bat away conversations which aren’t appropriate.

You make it sound like it's something you should be taught at finishing school.
Someone says something important about a family member that was brand new to you and you immediately pretend you think it must be someone else and change the subject?
How would you immediately know it wasn't appropriate?

But, MN loves a drama so fair play to the Eastenders style gossip, drama, and reaction. 😂

Sounds like you'd know more about soaps than I would.
I don't come from the sort of background where you have to be poised to bat away inappropriate conversations about your relatives.

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What a hilarious reply 😂😂

BellissimoGecko · 18/01/2025 11:33

I can imagine being hurt too if I was your MIL.

Anonycat · 18/01/2025 11:33

SerafinasGoose · 18/01/2025 11:22

First, congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I'm sorry you've been upset by this. It seems to me an awful lot of things have been blown out of all proportion here. Announcing things with fanfare seems to have fanned the flames here. We simply told the people who needed to know and expected that everyone else would know soon enough. Keeping these expectations proportional, and expecting nothing more than a 'how nice, congratulations' in return, would likely prevent things from escalating in the way they have. I appreciate that ship has sailed and this could seem unhelpful after the event, but it might help you weigh up the plusses and the negatives against each other here.

Your in-laws' reaction was ludicrous: a toddler-tantrum. Wanting to be first to know something, in competition to be first to see the baby, or 'best' grandparent, is the sort of attitude most of us left behind in the playground. YANBU to be irritated by this - but you're hardly into NC or even VLC territory here. It doesn't merit taking seriously. A laugh, a 'don't be silly', and an assertion that we are not children, everyone will get to share in the good news and new arrival, and that no one is in competition here would be enough to shut that noise down with any remotely sensible person. I'm not surprised you were taken aback when it happened, but your reaction when the in-laws were present was a little disproportionate. However, given you merely removed yourself from the situation and didn't cause a row, this is something probably easily moved past.

IMO, you need to heal this breach before it widens, as these things have a habit of doing, and this would benefit no one including your children. I'd behave as though nothing had happened: no apologies or justification from your side and any repetition of the above stance from them dealt with by telling them this is all very silly and there is enough love to spare for everyone. Let the waters settle, give a bit of space all round for people to calm down, and then continue as you did before.

"Wanting to be the first to know" about a son and DIL's pregnancy is not the same thing as wanting to know before being told by a childminder and a cleaner, and then being lied to by your son when you asked him about it. (Which is what actually happened.)

BellissimoGecko · 18/01/2025 11:33

Why did you wait until after your 12-week scan to tell your PILs? Did you tell any other friends or family before that?

Your cleaner and especially childminder were COMPLETELY unreasonable to mention your pg to your ILs. Massively. I hope you told them this. It would totally put me off using the CM.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/01/2025 11:31

You all need to grow up.

Needmilkandbread · 18/01/2025 11:30

You’re being very precious.

DorothyStorm · 18/01/2025 11:29

2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.
Also this is so much worse. So she would have gone back and told the person she was mistaken and her son confirmed you were not pregnant. So she was lied to and also knows a random woman knew her son lied to her. She will feel humiliated. Your partner was absolutely wrong to lie when asked.

*I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear
You removed the child.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever
Announcements at other people‘s events, engagements at weddings etc, are always selfish and self absorbed. You are angry that on your fil’s birthday he wasnt asking about you.

your partner did actually get him an actual present for him, didnt he?

SerafinasGoose · 18/01/2025 11:27

ViciousCurrentBun · 18/01/2025 11:18

All the family behaviour is bizarre and over the top. I would however be sacking a cleaner who behaved like that and wouldn’t be using such a gossipy childminder.

Agreed.

ThriveIn2025 · 18/01/2025 11:23

I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear

It isn’t happening again. They are justifiably annoyed you told a local childminder before them. Then lied. Then did some attention seeking t-shirt and expected a big fuss.