To not want my 2.5yo staying overnight without us

@saraclara You're absolutely right, it is different. When the parents are there everyone is operating under their boundaries & they are primary caregiver in that moment - of course they are! Especially when the kids are little, everything is referred back to the parents.

When the parents aren't there the rules are different, the boundaries are different & the GP are the primary caregivers - so no referring. That doesn't make the GP the parent in that moment & they don't WANT to be the parent (I'm so sick of reading that, it makes GP who want to spend time with their DGC sound weird & creepy & ppl can genuinely fuck off with it) they want to GRANDparent.

My mum & dad had 20odd years with my kids before I became a grandparent & I never once expected them to live by our rules when they had them (every Friday night at their request). Going to the grandparents should be an adventure, it should be fun ALL the time, not arduous rules & restrictions. It should be staying up late, sleeping in, having inappropriate breakfasts & only having dinners that you look forward to without exception.

GP have done all the formative work with their own kids, grandkids should just be fun whilst their own parents do all the formative stuff & rules etc. It's a break for the kids FROM parenting, it's absolute safety. It's a running joke in my family about how my mum can do no wrong & how my eggs/ x dinner/ whatever isn't as good as hers in my kids eyes (& my sister's kids).

If my son & his girlf didn't want us to have DGS, I'd be gutted but absolutely wouldn't push it, it's their child & they make the decisions, not me, so I do feel privileged that they feel as I do & they want us to have him. Even if D'il' was only happy for her mum to have him, I wouldn't push it, I'd just be really sad.

Assuming it's safe & loving I find it very weird that many parents on here won't allow kids away from them for YEARS to stay with grandparents - I might even go so far as to say its selfish & putting their own needs before the childs wellbeing & growth.

Interaction between a grandparent and grandchild is entirely different when the parent isn't there. It's really hard to explain, but it absolutely is a thing. There's no distraction, no uncertainty for the child about where to focus, it's just a pure 1 to 1 relationship and it's where the real closeness is formed.

It's so close and rewarding, that I look back and wish that my late MIL (who lived 2.5 house away from us) had had more opportunity to have my DDs to herself, back in the day. But of course most of the time she got all of us.

Just as before I had my children, I didn't know what it was like to be a mother, I didn't realise what it would be like to be a grandmother until I became one. There are a few things I'd have done differently had I known the depth and power of the feelings my MIL had for my two. I knew she loved them very much, but not 'how' she loved them.

They're only really little for such a short time. I don't really think you're being unreasonable. Maybe give MIL a specific age by which you will review the frequency. I get that she wants to build up a relationship with her grandchild but it sounds like she has plenty of contact.

Well I can’t even remotely understand or relate to you if I’m honest but it’s up to you and your choice .

I can never understand the obsession with mils wanting dgc alone or for sleep overs !
I'm the same as you I don't want or need to be away from mine, mil always asked to have dd on her own even said she can't form a relationship with her unless she has her alone ! X

Omg I'd JUMP at this opportunity, BUT it's your decision OP. Would your DD enjoy it do you think? If so, it may be time to put her needs before yours, but if not then keep her at home.

I had a very close relationship with both my grandparents. In fact I was the closest to both my grandmothers and was left both their beautiful engagement rings.
I didn't do sleepovers as children and it never arose with my children.
It is possible to have a very close loving relationship with grandparents without sleepovers.
The two are not mutually exclusive.

At her last sleepover at mine, my DGD (just 5) a propos of nothing, said she felt sorry for her little sister (just 2) because she was missing out.

Little sis hasn't had a sleepover yet. I'm not pushing it though because she's a terrible sleeper!

Which is it - you don’t enjoy not having her with you or/ you don’t feel uncomfortable her bringing there? 2 very different propositions.

if it’s the former, just be honest and say you don’t enjoy being away from her. Your MiL is offering you a break from your child you simply don’t want. However….. does this also mean you are tied up with your child to a point of neglecting your marriage?

if it’s the latter - whole different set of conversations.

What you never had you never miss. There are plenty of people who know that a very close relationship with grandparents has enriched their own and their children’s lives. If you’ve experienced this for yourself you tend to want it for your children.

It's your child and saying no is not wrong in any way. However, presuming your child is happy at her nanny's, having a child who regularly stays at nanny's and is happy to do so, sounds like a big advantage if you ever do want a night away, give birth to another kid, or become seriously unwell.

How convenient that she is now realising her children missed out.🙄
I don't believe for a second children miss out.
Mine never had sleepovers before age 12.
They are happy well adjusted young adults, devoid of any "missing out on sleepovers trauma"🙄.

Say no thanks and refuse to engage further on the subject.

Well it's a yes when it's convenient for both of them. That's the point. Op asks when she wants it, Mil chooses if or not she wants to. MIl asks when she wants it, Op chooses if or not she wants to

There’s no wrong or right answer. You’re BU to some but NBU to others. Everyone parents different.

I’m sure there’s parents out there that would love the chance to go out without DC every so often and have a close relative to look after them…

But you have to do what’s right for you and your DC.

Personally my DC stays with grandparents 5 times a year so me and DH can go on date nights together, I miss him but also feels nice to be just me and DH every so often.

I loved knowing my children were save in bed near me. I'm with you, wait until you're ready and she is.

The OP clearly thinks the base concept is ok as they’ve done it on more than one occasion.

They also recognised themselves that it was a ‘them’ thing rather than an issue with the idea.

Kinda makes my point.

You might have loved it, but OP doesn’t.

I didn’t want mine away from me at that age. They’re adults anyway now.

it’s fine for mil to offer, kind of her. But having let her know that you’d prefer your child at home, it’s not fine for her to keep pushing.

This made me laugh - do you not realise people disagree on what is reasonable? That's the whole point of these threads. You think it's the reasonable answer and I think no sleepovers until older is the reasonable answer. That's how disagreements happen, if OP thought it was reasonable too then they'd agree and just do it 😂.

healthybychristmas · Today 01:07

MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 22:44
So it’s ok when it suits you but not otherwise? Not very consistent.

Of course. It's her child.

Well yes but consistency is very important.

What are these replies?! Of course it's up to you where your 2 year old stays, and you have no reason to feel bad about it at all. Not all kids think it's 'an adventure' ...especially at 2. Do whatever you feel comfortable with and don't listen to anyone saying you're being unreasonable

The little child's preference ought to be taken into account, I would think, and she is clearly not ready for or wanting this.

Your choice but I would have jumped at once a month, I got zero babysits from my mil throughout their childhood and only once from my fil, and that wasn't overnight, had to drop them at theirs and we stayed overnight there.

YABU - on the basis that there are two parents, and your husband is keen. So it’s not just all about you.

If it’s something ‘reasonable’ and one parent is keen and one isn’t then I’m of the view that the ‘normal/reasonable’ answer wins.

(and maybe the sleepover together idea isn’t daft - might help you see it differently).

What is your problem? You mock her then start insulting her when she replies because she didn't put her whole life story in her first comment!?

( ps I've been forced to have my just under 2 away over night with his horrible father and I do know how hard it is).