To change their surname to mine?

this seems like the best option (after asking him first, obviously him agreeing is the easiest option & he might surprise you, he might be fine with it).

Define archaic. It was almost universal until about 30 years ago.

If your ex doesn’t have parental responsibility then you can do as you like. Personally I wouldn’t be changing it because of how I felt about it. Only change it if it’s something the children themselves would like.

Just be aware that they don't end up with different names on things that need to line up.

My DN had a brief mare when he was scouted for a sport and his club records & registration were in his stepdads name whereas his birth certificate and ID were in his birth name.

If you take it to court they'd likely allow you to double barrel the surnames.

That's really a bit harsh lots of unmarried folk give children there fathers name without problems. And if married it's generally there fathers family name. came from olden times if you didn't have your fathers name you generally got nothing .so done to protect family line .

@Reugny My name first, hyphenated.

Oh but his name is so interesting and mine is so boring! His name just sounds better with my first name! 🙄

Me either. I'll never get it. Why?! <insert anecdote about how his name is easier to spell>

Just change it.

I've never understood this archaic practice of giving children mens' surnames. Why?

I think in your position I would change my surname to theirs. You would just be taking your children's name, not your ex's.

One of the reasons to get a CAO on divorce then you don't need their consent.

Family court will happily add yours. It's a common application.

This

Kids should always have their mother's name given the vast majority of single parents are women doing the vast majority of the work. Far more practical.

This man clearly isn’t an equal parent.

Ok.

Babies were historically always given their mother's name on birth. It's just that traditionally the mother had already taken the man's name. Somewhere along the line we stopped taking the man's name, but kept giving it to our babies.
In the hospital they are automatically "baby mother's surname" and if you want them to have your husbands name, you need to change it to that. It should become the norm we just give them our name.
In fact men can take our name too. They've had long enough.

I would keep doing this for now. Make sure it is the surname they use at school too. Then, when they are both at secondary school, I’d sort out the legal change of name by deed poll so that their passports and exam certificates match their everyday use. That way they are old enough to express an opinion. If it’s what they want, an absent father won’t have much traction.

changing names won’t avoid it though.

people with different surnames experience what you have, but so do people with the same name. Like I said friends with same name were nearly prevented from boarding as they couldn’t provide birth certificates and letter of consent as they’d assumed it was only for those with different names.

It is more likely you were stopped as a single adult with children. Parental abduction is increasingly common so checks are made to ensure you’re not taking the child without the other parent’s consent. It’s not a name thing.

Re the travel with different surnames issue, we have been stopped and questioned quite vigorously several times. Child even commented that that they had travelled alone aged 14 through the same airport the week before and no one batted an eyelid, but travelling with me as a parent with different legal surname raised flags. Understandably looking out for trafficked children but still unpleasant for me as their sole care giver.

Maybe I should have changed my name upon marriage to avoid this but I didn’t want to. ExH had a conniption when I suggested using my surname for our child. Also understandable given convention. He still walked away from us a year after birth on the grounds that he was no longer getting enough attention.

I’ve been stopped more travelling with my younger children - who I share a name with - than I ever was with my older children who don't

It’s simply more common to have questions asked when travelling now. Child safety is taken much more seriously. It’s not about names

I have, travelled with my DH and DC’s. As explained upthread DD had her bio father’s surname on her passport. I was still on my maiden name on my passport and DH and the other DC’s had the same name. DD and I were questioned at the French border coming back home about parentage. So yes it does happen although not often.

You need his permission my daughter has mine and her father’s surname and I can’t even get rid of his despite having mine too! Need permission. He would never give it so stuck with it till 16.

mothers do have the right to choose their child’s name though.

you can make the case for it being the mothers name all you like, the bottom line is those mothers are choosing to give their children dad’s name.

every woman her could have given their children their name. Nothing stopping them.

so your argument is moot. Until women stop with the name changing and “proud to be a Mrs” stuff.

it seems insane to me that women say having the same name as their children is so important to them, yet they still take on men’s names, give their children different names or whatever.

if having the same name is so important keep your name and give it to your kids. If being married and taking his name is important to you, do that. But have the courage of your convictions and don’t be changing the kids names when you get divorced or dad leaves.