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Original poster

My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

364 replies

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:20

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 17/01/2025 10:15

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 10:12

So she will ask me daily how the baby is and where she is, if I am found lying or not telling her than I’m being dishonest and rude. She will then message who has the baby and say that I am being cheeky because she wasn’t offered her

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Part of the new boundaries is refusing to answer.

Bonjovispyjamas · 17/01/2025 10:15

Why are you putting up with this?

XWKD · 17/01/2025 10:15

She sounds like a psycho. 😳

Tell her she can't be alone with the baby because she's acting like a lunatic.

Also tell her she can't see the child if she kicks off about others minding her.

godmum56 · 17/01/2025 10:14

noworklifebalance · 17/01/2025 09:00

i don’t think this is one of the times to “be kind” and think of the cousin and widerfamily. Not sure engaging with her is the way to go at all - no right thinking person talks about having the child when the mother dies in this way.

Obviously the major caveat is that non of us really know

Edited
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I think that it might be possible for the OP to have this kind of conversation with the cousin AFTER she has removed her child from the cousin's ambit and set the boudaries going forward. I would be being less "kind" to the rest of the family though!!

Original poster
Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 10:12

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 17/01/2025 09:02

Yes, I don't understand that bit either.

Also maybe because neither my husband or I had family on tap but other than 1 very close friend doing occasional baby sitting or our nanny doing occasional paid overtime we weren't handing baby over to reams of other people. If I wanted to see friends he either came with me or his father looked after him.

Edited
Show quote history

So she will ask me daily how the baby is and where she is, if I am found lying or not telling her than I’m being dishonest and rude. She will then message who has the baby and say that I am being cheeky because she wasn’t offered her

OP posts:
Sunbeam01 · 17/01/2025 10:11

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:32

@Slinkyminky22 When questioned about this by her about why she can’t be alone with baby what do I say? My OH family are like a pack of wolves… as soon as I make my feelings known I’m being silly and the whole family turns on me

Edited

So let them turn.

You must trust your gut.

Protect your child.

PennyApril54 · 17/01/2025 10:08

I hear what you're saying but you have complete control over your situation. If you're uncomfortable just pull back a bit and reduce the amount of time she has your baby. It should be easy to do this.

On the other hand, unless she is known for other unhinged behavior she might just be emphasizing how much so loves your child (albeit in a weird way) esp if she has her to help you out a lot (like you said) and there is no harm meant, or actual danger, at all.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 17/01/2025 10:08

Mirabai · 17/01/2025 09:02

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

Why is DH’s cousin doing ‘quite a lot ‘ of childcare Are you paying her? Asking a teenage family member to look after a baby was always a terrible idea.

She’s young, with presumably no training and certainly no professional boundaries, which would in any case be blurred by the family relationship. She has clearly bonded with the baby inappropriately. While all very weird on her part, you bear some responsibility for leaving your baby with a teen who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the situation in an emotionally detached way.

Quite apart from the issue that if anything happened to the baby in her care, it could tear the whole family apart.

The whole thing is very unwise and needs to be stopped immediately. You should distance yourself from her to break her attachment to the baby & put boundaries in place that should have been there from the start.

Edited

OP. Read this excellent post from Mirabai again. Then take a step back and start again. Keep the baby's needs to have qualified or experienced care (eg that a grandparent babysitting for an evening might provide).

Personally I wouldn't address the issues given the over involvement of family members in all this. Just a simple "no thanks". If it means you have to temporarily reduce the amount of child free time you get, I'm sure you'll cope for a while.

Winterskyfall · 17/01/2025 10:08

Those comments would make me uneasy. Don't let the pack of wolves steer you away from your intuition.

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 17/01/2025 10:04

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 10:02

The nursery charges £77 for half a day and £107 for a full day. We have a child minder that costs £68 for 4 hours of an evening but she’s not always available so we use his cousin once or twice a week in the evenings. She is paid what we pay the child minder

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There's your excuse right there, if you don't feel able to challenge her directly. Say you don't have the finances right now and will be caring for her yourself.

Original poster
Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 10:02

Hanto · 17/01/2025 08:56

This.

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The nursery charges £77 for half a day and £107 for a full day. We have a child minder that costs £68 for 4 hours of an evening but she’s not always available so we use his cousin once or twice a week in the evenings. She is paid what we pay the child minder

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 09:59

devilspawn · 17/01/2025 08:55

That's a hell of a lot to put on him, his job and your business. When are you going to see him? When is he going to rest?

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he works for me so he will just step up and run the show for a while.. he couldn’t do so when I had the baby as we both had time off to spend with LO

OP posts:
Ceramiq · 17/01/2025 09:58

Sassybooklover · 17/01/2025 09:24

I've already commented on the situation but going to add, that I wouldn't want to be in this young woman's boyfriends shoes, if he ever decided to end their relationship. Her obsessive behaviour towards the OP's baby daughter, is similar to the behaviour a stalker would portray towards another person. It makes someone unpredictable and a potential danger.

I think you are massively overthinking here. The young cousin has clearly bonded with the baby ie maternal hormones have fired up. This is not unusual with new babies: my mother was very upfront about the fact that her maternal hormones fired up when her GCs were born (she was around for all births and helped out a lot in the early years) and that she bonded very deeply with her GCs. There's nothing wrong with this if it works for the parents and baby concerned. But in the OP's case it doesn't work and it needs to stop and the only way to do that is for the OP to create a cold turkey situation for the cousin so that her hormones subside.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 17/01/2025 09:58

Their gaslighting is horrible and the cousin sounds very strange.
Stop her and anyone else looking after your baby away from you and DH. Choose some phrases and anything they say just repeat the same phrases. Don’t vary, don’t get into any discussions. After a while they’ll realise you make the decisions, not them.
You’ve made the right choice varying your work hours and if you heed child care at home iI the evenings you’d be better off employing a babysitter/ mother’s help than relying on his family.

kiwiane · 17/01/2025 09:52

I’m glad you’re taking some time off; I would never let her be alone with your baby again. This is your precious child and you have to go with your gut feelings and protect her.
I certainly wouldn’t want a child to overhear her discussing your imminent death - it won’t be long before your daughter understands what’s being said around her.

Fruhstuck · 17/01/2025 09:48

BeRealWithYourself · 17/01/2025 09:01

@Fruhstuck i know right there cousins behaviour is sickening. I distance myself from people even family when they start acting weird. No one has power or influence over me. Dunno if they do over you

I live in the real world, where relationships with other human beings are important. I certainly don’t choose to isolate myself by refusing to ever see or speak to anyone I feel is "starting to act weird". By doing that you are handing that person immense power over your life! But sure, you do you.

noworklifebalance · 17/01/2025 09:35

JoyousPinkPeer · 17/01/2025 09:25

Don't 'make your feelings known' just make other arrangements that suit you better.

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Agree and, to reiterate, don’t make it about her behaviour - it will massively backfire on you. Make it about your family’s needs.

Zoono · 17/01/2025 09:35

Unless she is struggling with her mental health,id stop all future contact between her and your child. I do struggle with anxiety though, so I might be overthinking the comments but she sounds unhinged.

JoyousPinkPeer · 17/01/2025 09:25

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:32

@Slinkyminky22 When questioned about this by her about why she can’t be alone with baby what do I say? My OH family are like a pack of wolves… as soon as I make my feelings known I’m being silly and the whole family turns on me

Edited

Don't 'make your feelings known' just make other arrangements that suit you better.

Sassybooklover · 17/01/2025 09:24

I've already commented on the situation but going to add, that I wouldn't want to be in this young woman's boyfriends shoes, if he ever decided to end their relationship. Her obsessive behaviour towards the OP's baby daughter, is similar to the behaviour a stalker would portray towards another person. It makes someone unpredictable and a potential danger.

dottiedodah · 17/01/2025 09:24

You say she has your DD a lot when you are working or out with friends. She has a relationship with DD that seems obsessive.can you make other arrangements, how old is she,if quite young sounds like she is playing at being a mym! You need to pull back a bit.

zingally · 17/01/2025 09:22

Time to dial right back on the time she spends with your baby.

Put the baby in a proper childcare setting, and if asked, "Oh, we just thought it was time for baby to be spending more time with other children."

Daleksatemyshed · 17/01/2025 09:20

If you're not going to need her for babysitting anymore then you're going to have to be quite straight with her @Mummyme12345 . Unless you make it clear the cousin's going to keep visiting and trying to take over. Don't worry about upsetting your DHs family, your baby , your choice

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 17/01/2025 09:09

Why are you pandering to the demands of a frankly quite unhinged 19-year-old? Her comments are bonkers and you say are only getting worse and more frequent? How can you feel comfortable with her looking after your baby... She'll be planning her getaway soon enough. I'm not even joking.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/01/2025 09:03

I don’t think banning the comments is necessarily a good idea, what matters is what they mean to the cousin. If she’s the kind of person who always talks in hyperbole about everything they might just mean Ooh I love this baby! Don’t let anyone else to babysit, I want to every time, ha ha ha. Which is fine . If she’s the kind of person who says exactly what she means and literally believes that she has such a special relationship with the child that she is in effect her own child, that could be a serious problem.