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Original poster

How to deal with patronizing manager

42 replies

spanieleyes22 · 16/01/2025 23:18

So I have moved teams- not my choice but was told I had to- and my new manager is just giving me the ick. I don't like her but that doesn't matter I'm always professional. She keeps sending me pm's thanking me for doing tasks- nothing extra (lol) just my job- and thanking me profusely. Then she sent me a pm telling me she will always be there to help me and she has every faith in me that I will rise to the challenge of this new role. I find it quite patronizing. Aibu. I'm pretty experienced in my role and am not nervous about this new role lol. Maybe aibu and she is trying but it's ugh to me 🤣

OP posts:
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NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/01/2025 21:58

TartanMammy · 17/01/2025 19:46

There's a manager like this in my workplace. It feels 'icky' because it's over the top and insincere.

'thanks for doing that' - fine, normal response.

'thank you for doing that, you're a star, I really appreciate you, your doing so great at your job' - patronising and insincere.

True, but they're always useful to save into your appraisal folder - and are even more useful when six months later, you get an email with a cast of thousands CCd in that's bollocking you for doing exactly that thing they thanked you so effusively for (the main benefit of Reply All and Forward as Attachment, IMO).

BeAzureAnt · 17/01/2025 21:52

PubicZirconia · 17/01/2025 07:48

'That's very kind,thank you.So about the Xyz project...'

This works well.

roaringmouse · 17/01/2025 21:44

I can think of a lot worse things than being thanked more than perhaps is necessary. Maybe she senses you don't like her, as you've stated, and is trying to change that. Most people prefer to be liked and managing others isn't easy. Try being more warm towards her and maybe she'll gain confidence and won't feel the need to try so hard with you.

Greyish2025 · 17/01/2025 21:12

blackoverbillsmothers · 17/01/2025 19:31

What’s np please?

No problem

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 21:10

More OTT thank yous in person
And by message today. I'm not sure if she does it to the others I haven't noticed her thanking them but she could
Be pm ing them

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 21:08

@Coolasfeck yeh but you just assumed negative stuff 🤔

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 17/01/2025 20:10

I would find really annoying but I would give her the benefit of the doubt. It could just be that she's overdoing it in the "praise" after a training or coaching she has received.

I'm on the opposite scale as I'm aware I don't give enough positive feedback to my team. But I've seen some really stupid training from top management that would push for that kind of behaviour.

TartanMammy · 17/01/2025 19:46

There's a manager like this in my workplace. It feels 'icky' because it's over the top and insincere.

'thanks for doing that' - fine, normal response.

'thank you for doing that, you're a star, I really appreciate you, your doing so great at your job' - patronising and insincere.

blackoverbillsmothers · 17/01/2025 19:31

What’s np please?

StormingNorman · 17/01/2025 19:19

ChatGPT is your friend.

Type what you want to say. Then write your instructions along the lines of “Rewrite this email in a friendly, diplomatic and corporate tone”.

Coolasfeck · 17/01/2025 15:01

spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 10:46

Huh??? No it's because the other team
Have lost staff to redundancy and sickness and there's a recruitment feeeze so we are being moved around to fill
Gaps. You're charming! @Coolasfeck

Show quote history

What’s ‘charming’ got to do with it? How am I to know why you were moved? All you said was that you had no choice but to move? I don’t know you.

Greyish2025 · 17/01/2025 11:02

spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 07:43

Need to say something to shut it down

Is she doing it to other people aswell of just you

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 10:46

Coolasfeck · 17/01/2025 09:19

To be fair you were made to change teams against your will.She may have been briefed as to reasons why you had to come to her and she’s responding to that. For example if your performance wasn’t great or you lacked drive and motivation etc.

Huh??? No it's because the other team
Have lost staff to redundancy and sickness and there's a recruitment feeeze so we are being moved around to fill
Gaps. You're charming! @Coolasfeck

OP posts:
Coolasfeck · 17/01/2025 09:19

To be fair you were made to change teams against your will.She may have been briefed as to reasons why you had to come to her and she’s responding to that. For example if your performance wasn’t great or you lacked drive and motivation etc.

DoYouReally · 17/01/2025 08:37

It's probably really well intended and she doesn't mean to cone across as patronising.

SparklyNewMe · 17/01/2025 08:28

My manager is nudging me toward expanding my role and I find his “you can do it” reassuring. He is stuffed as in there is nobody else he can give this extra responsibility to, but it still helps, placebo effect.

Agix · 17/01/2025 08:24

There's a difference between praising someone, and being thankful to someone.

Set up a chat with her and tell her she doesn't need to thank you so much, these are normal tasks for you and your job, and you're happy to do them.

No need to be passive aggressive about it. Communicate. She might be trying her best to seem thoughtful, she might be stressed and overwhelmed. You could be more feeling more confident in your role than she is hers. Have some empathy. Communicate!

Anyotherdude · 17/01/2025 08:21

spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 08:15

I know what you're saying @MartinCrieffsLemon I can't explain why it makes me cringe

Ah OP, so many people are uncomfortable about accepting a compliment. Just reply (when a reply is required) starting with the lightest touch of grace - like @Enko suggested, then go heavier on the professionalism thereafter.

goodgirlclassicthing · 17/01/2025 08:20

I agree with @Enko especially given the low state of staff morale in so many workplaces up and down the country. The manager can't win really. If they leave you to it they can be seen as uninterested and out of touch, if they encourage you they're apparently cringe and ick- two of the most childish terms around at the moment. If anything I am wondering where the discomfort comes from for you and why you feel you don't deserve praise unless you go above and beyond. Sounds to me like your manager is unintentionally bringing up some stuff in you and that's why you're so uncomfortable with the kind and encouraging emails.

Doingmybest12 · 17/01/2025 08:19

The thank yous etc I would not have a problem with, the 'you'll rise to the challenge' type messages I would have an issue with and I'd wonder what they'd been told about me or what vibes I was giving off. If it carried on I'd have a chat with them about it and try and build the relationship to make it stop. Hopefully you can give the manager a bit of time to settle in to the role and managing you and get on with the day job.

longestlurkerever · 17/01/2025 08:19

Managers can't really win. For every person finding it patronising there'll be another saying they want more acknowledgement and positive feedback. I got 360 degree feedback last year and in the things to improve box were directly contradictory things. To an extent you have to tailor your approach but it takes time to learn people's preferences, and sometimes the contradictory requests are about things that would impact the whole team. You can't please everyone. I think I would say something along the lines that you're fine and just doing your job.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 08:18

RabbitsRock · 17/01/2025 08:12

Goodness I wish my Manager praised her staff!

I used to wish this too @RabbitsRock lol. It's just too effusive and o can't explain but it makes me feel the opposite of cause I can't explain. All I can relate it to is where someone is constantly praising a child or an old person for doing something simple. It feels patronizing.

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 17/01/2025 08:15

I know what you're saying @MartinCrieffsLemon I can't explain why it makes me cringe

OP posts:
RabbitsRock · 17/01/2025 08:12

Goodness I wish my Manager praised her staff!

2025holidayplanner · 17/01/2025 08:11

No need to thank me I’m just doing my job?