At my wits end, school run

I’ve been through the toilet issue with DC1. They were petrified of the school toilets and weren’t going all day. This went on for months until I finally spoke to their teacher after exhausting all of my own tactics to get them to go. The teacher was so kind, she let DC take a “toilet buddy” (a friend) for morale support and also kept an eye on how they were doing in the day. She also spoke to DC and reassured them it was ok.

Please do speak to DD’s teacher OP. Holding wee all day is indeed very bad for them but I know from experience how tricky it is to resolve when you are not there with her all day.

Year 1 is a big step up from reception. And we’re just back from the Christmas holidays. Can you tell her if she does it there will be no tv/pudding that night or whatever? I think it’s useful to see if she genuinely cannot control her behaviour or if a consequence makes her reconsider.

How does she sleep of a night?

My reception child can be awful, if he's had a few bad nights.

I was revolting on the walk home from
School, after a year they realised I had really bad glue ear and spent my days frustrated and confused because I couldn’t hear the teachers .

That’s a great idea. She may not be too keen on hanging back too which my temper her behaviour…

Hangry!
They use a lot of energy at school and don't eat or drink much.
Food first - talk later.

If the school toilet is a problem - would you be allowed to take her there before going home? She'd have your support and the place would become more hers.

One of mine reacted to afterschool chat as if it was hostile-interrogation and would give us nothing but name and number. 🙂

We found it best to ask questions about 'little friend Benji' and or 'very bad Bobbie' and find out about the day that way. Benji and Bobbie had usually done plenty of things that were interesting to talk about. (They inspired me to stay well out of primary school teaching.)

Grandson was like this first year in Primary.
We took him out and home educate.
Never been like it scince

The "coke bottle effect" is a metaphor that describes how a child with autism or other neurodivergence may experience a meltdown after school. It's a result of pent-up stress and anxiety building up throughout the day.

What happens?
A child appears normal throughout the day, but inside they're bottling up frustrations

When they get home, the pressure is released all at once, causing a meltdown

What can help?
Reduce stress: Try to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety your child experiences throughout the day

Provide sensory breaks: Ask the school for sensory breaks throughout the day

Give a snack: Give your child a crunchy or chewy snack to help release some of the pressure

Communicate: Make sure your child's needs and expectations are clear

Provide down time: Make sure your child has time to relax after school

What can cause the coke bottle effect?

School-related stresses, like falling behind, bullying, or struggling to make friends
Masking their efforts
Limited energy for homework
Difficulty focusing on schoolwork at home

Bring enough food to eat on the way to the car and do not ask her any questions. She will probably be exhausted and hungry.

Kids are tired and hangry after school, and parents come along with questions of "how was your day? did you do anything fun? what did you have for lunch? who did you play with?". It's not meant like it, but it's like coming home after a really busy day at work and being bombarded with the third degree about what you've been doing when you just want to throw your bag down, take your bra off and slump on the sofa not thinking about anything for a bit.

Agree with all the people saying thrust a snack and a drink at her immediately. Don't ask unnecessary questions (yet). Go as "low demand" as possible while shepherding her home to chill for a while, or via a park to run around for a bit.

In this case, there is no issue with the child's welfare. It's a parenting issue (ie working out the right way to parent a tired/overwhelmed child!)

Another vote for food bribes. Keep words to a minimum when they are overwhelmed. Stay calm and offer a cuddle as soon as the meltdown has cooled. We found year 1 a massive step up from reception, maybe that could be the case for your DD.

Don't engage with her on the way back home, resist quizzing her about her day, let her run round the playground before you start walking back. Let her do a silly dance and gurn and be daft and do things her way from pick up to your front door. She's experiencing restraint collapse and needs some time without rules.

God forbid a child's welfare stops you from answering the phone!!!

No absolutely don't don't do this!

There's a bloody big hint of overwhelm and a stupid curriculum.

Sounds like coke bottle analogy.
Your daughter is the bottle of coke.
Anything that causes her anxiety or stress or overwhelm whilst in school is 1 shake of the bottle. That could be a lot of shakes in the school day depending on what her triggers may be. When you collect her she literally and metaphorically blows her lid because you're her safe space and familiar person.
She may 'be fine' in school but if she's masking to meet expectations then that's why she looks fine.
Definitely bring snacks to pick up, don't rush her off into car and maybe at a weekend try and talk to her about why she is so cross at pickup and see if she has any insights that could help you come up with solutions.

My daughter is Y2 and AuDHD and finds transitions incredibly hard even ones that happen 5 days a week like school day ending and getting collected to go home.
Her behaviours in Y1 were exactly as you describe at end of day.
She is better this term as school now ha e adjustments for her as we started to work out stuff she was finding stressful.

Transitional object? favourite toy from home brought with you?

Poor kids , they are exhausted. They are not mature and the expectations are bloody ridiculous.

I'm so sorry OP. It manifests itself in all sorts of ways.

She's OK by the time she gets home?

Yep. Overwhelmed with the bombardment of the school day... and hangry. Is she at the younger end of the school year?
Snacks. Drink. See if you can collect from the office. Or give her a chance to run about outside before getting on route?
The very last thing she wants is to answer questions like "How was your day?" "Did you do something nice?" etc it's just more trying to frame answers to her. Conversation can be a trial when you are exhausted. try not to say anything.

Give her a chance to unwind and just slump for a bit. Try to keep really calm ( very difficult, I know). Ignore any nonsense if it is just snappy stuff. You can talk about it when she's rested and relaxed again at home. It may take a few trial runs to sort it out.

It does sound like she's tired out by the time you collect her. Can you have a word with her class teacher to find out if she's having any difficulties.

many kids (and adults) won’t use a dirty school toilet. It’s horrible wiping with cheap bog roll, and it is often cold, and there is often wee and poo on seats.

If dc won’t use the loo, probably not drinking much to avoid the need. I get really grumpy if I need the loo and I’m dehydrated.

Poor kid.

no idea how you fix it! Teach dc how to wipe a loo seat and to “squat” over the loo?

Give her something to eat as soon as she comes out. It will distract her for some time. If she’s overwhelmed by school she will still have a meltdown but at least it will happen at home and not at the school doors. Let her have a meltdown and then some quiet time to regulate herself

As someone who works in a school office please don’t do this! We’re busy trying to finish off tasks, man the phones, answer parent and teacher queries before we go home !