At my wits end, school run

Snack. My eldest is old enough now to notice for himself, but, when his bloodsugar gets low he gets all of these things - grumpy, tearful, un-cooperative, angry. One satsuma/biscuit/whatever and 5 mins later and he's back to his normal sunny self.

It's almost funny - at least once I figured out the solution it was. The difficulty is, that if it's gone too far, he won't want to eat the snack (due to being grumpy and unco-operative)...

Protein for the snack!

one of mine does this, he's almost certainly ND and is often overwhelmed at the end of a day at school. We fixed the toilet thing by saying that he can have a mini bag of haribo when he gets home if he does a poo at school. He's very honest though and only claims it when he has done a poo, I guess if yours thinks of pretending it won't work.

What an incredibly sad state of affairs. My children were little years ago , before the word went absolutely mad. I still feel so sad about their early years education. I struggled with 2 little ones, the elder one very bright. I thought it would be great when he went to a school seconds away from where we live.
He couldn't cope, poor little thing. Wanted to be with his friend and not in a group. Lay down on a PE mat and went to sleep a few times. Couldn't work out how to open up his snack banana. Dehydrated and miserable.
Sad.

I mean, humans were not made to sit in a classroom for 6 hours a day.

She likely has been overstimulated and is stressed out with school. Some children find it hard to adapt. Which is perfectly fine. Maybe she'll eventually break and conform, or maybe you'll become enlightened and homeschool or find something more suitable for her needs. Doubtful of the latter though

It's after school restraint collapse. Definitely offer snacks as soon as they come out.

I agree with the majority here.

It sounds like the coke bottle effect. Fine all day at school on the surface and then anything bubbling under that surface explodes out at the end of the day. There's probably not one reason such as an upset or needing the toilet, it's just a cumulative effect of doing her best at school where there's so much going on and to take in. It's common with neurodivergent children and lots of other very young children.

While there's not a single (simple to solve) reason, hunger and thirst will be a factor. So picking her up with a snack and drink will help loads, at least as a distraction so you can get off and away from the school grounds. Giving her space to 'let it all out' before you try talking and reasoning is best as part of the issue is likely her bottling up feelings of over overwhelm. Over time you'll be able to figure out what might be key factors (such as needing the toilet) and can address them with school. Other factors could be lots of things but might include how feedback on work is given, how instructions or information is given, feeling lost or overwhelmed at playtime, the challenge of sitting still for lots of the day, missing things from home...

The meltdowns are not a behavioural flaw of your daughter's nor a sign you're doing something wrong as a parent. They're simply a not uncommon part of parenting a young child.

Absolutely this! I ALWAYS bring several snacks to hand out to the year 1 and year 3 grandsons and more in the car! I also let them have 10 minutes running around the play ground with their friends (until I see the site manager heading to lock the gates😂) it usually does the trick. The older one is also ADHD so especially in need of decompressing

OP I have had EXACTLY the same issue with mine! Except we walk home so I can't even get him into a car!

I've found he's just decompressing and absolutely knackered after school. Like your DC he's doing really well in school so I think he just holds it all together. Your DD not using the loo is another way of that playing out - she's holding it all in - literally. Bless them.

I found these things helped:

• immediately shove snack into his hand and encourage him to eat it - organic oat bar or something with a bit of energy / sugar
• ditto with a smoothie carton
• don't ask any questions just give a hug and then start rambling on about my day and how boring it was without him
• in my rambling casually drop in that I got a surprise / treat at home / I've set up his Lego / letter arrived in the post / new toy at home or even I saw a fox outside our house / next door have a painted their front door a different colour / something silly about home that might focus him on walking home a bit quicker!

I tend to get more info about school at bedtime and after stories I'll ask him to share any worry gremlins, which seems to work.

Good luck! Xxx

If after checking there has been no upset during her day, and she still continues with what I feel is purely a tantrum, I’d walk away and leave her kicking on the ground.

This is not a tantrum. A tantrum is when a child kicks off to get their own way. This child is not angling to get something - they are expressing genuine distress.

Our job as parents is to be one step ahead, to understand and to head the problem off at the pass, because prevention is better than cure. End of the school day is a trigger point for her - she needs the adults in her life to try and understand why and do what they can to prevent it.

Well yes, a nice mega sugary snack like a yum yum should help her stop bouncing off the walls when she's hyper...

🤣

I look at it a bit like an adult getting really stressed after a bad day at work. I would try just talking her to the nearest park. Don't drive, just walk and you don't have to talk either but I feel it will give her time to decompress from the long day. Also giving her a snack or something might also help. For m, I remember my childminder used to bring us all fresh bread rolls and walk us to the park. She would then chat to the other parents and we could roam in the playground or field as we liked. It was a really great way of winding down before we would all go back home for dinner.

My youngest ds used to do this from being about 3/4 and it lasted until they were around 7/8. I think they were masking in school all day long and the tension would come out in meltdowns and temper tantrums as soon as they were on safe grounds. My dc hasn't been diagnosed with anything but is suspected to be on the spectrum albeit mildly. It's hard op and you have my sympathy.

If I hadn't been to the toilet, I'd be pretty fed up too.

Like others have said a small snack and a cool drink might help a lot

This. We say that we are there to talk about anything that may be bothering you but we use our words.

I wouldn’t let my husband come home after a bad day and flounce and treat us all like shit. He has to set an example. I expect no less off the kids

Agree with others re food.
Don’t give too much reaction to misbehaviour. Be chatting with another dm, go wait at the gate /car (wherever is safe) for her. Over a day or two transition from having the snack visible in your hand when she comes out, to digging in your pocket for it as you walk towards the car, to it being in the car.

Definitely no interrogation after school. But heading to bed a half hour early will give you time to hear the whole outpouring then.

My DD definitely gets really angry sometimes after school and then will announce that she needs a poo once home and is in a much better mood after that. She needs plenty of food and drink before she calms down.

Keep conversation to a minimum - bring a banana and a peanut butter sandwich with you. Speak quietly and positively. Sometimes I just start talking nonsense to my daughter - I might start telling her about a Donkey named Steve "...and do you know what he did today? He ate all the carrots in the barn..." anything really to just catch her attention and something she can listen to without being expected to have input / demands upon her. She can just zone out while I'm jabbering about animals to her.

She definitely likes a bit of time alone when we get home. I usually do a big snack or tea straight away, then sometimes she likes to just have the living room to herself to play with her toys and I go and read my book in the other room. They need that space I think.

2 out of 3 of mine were like this. All are neurodiverse, but the two who did this were also summer borns, so I think they were exhausted and following school rules was just so much harder for them. The one who didn't do this had a short phase of it actually, and then I found out he had stopped eating any of his lunch at school, once I switched him to packed lunches the after school meltdowns stopped, so I think it can be triggered by extreme hunger or tiredness.

Some children really struggle with the lack of autonomy they have in school, which can explain why they have constant demands and lose control when they aren't met. So providing an element of choice can help, asking which way they want to walk, which way to drive home, which snack etc.

Speak to the school, they might be able to help. Perhaps by letting her decompress before leaving school, another idea is leaving school 5 minutes early and/or via the main reception so there’s less people around.

I’ve had similar with my oldest. Picking him up from the main reception a few minutes early helped massively!!

It’s not personal. She has had to stay regulated and conform all day which is still very new to her.

You are her safe space and she is releasing all that pent up frustration on you. Both mine were like this. Occasionally mine still do especially towards the end or term. It’s tough!

My elder child was like this. The thing that worked for me was bringing a couple of biscuits to pick-up and giving them to him as soon as he came out. I think he was tired, overwhelmed, hungry, and just all round exhausted from behaving well all day. A sugary treat seemed to help!

2 out of 3 of mine were like this. All are neurodiverse, but the two who did this were also summer borns, so I think they were exhausted and following school rules was just so much harder for them. The one who didn't do this had a short phase of it actually, and then I found out he had stopped eating any of his lunch at school, once I switched him to packed lunches the after school meltdowns stopped, so I think it can be triggered by extreme hunger or tiredness.

Some children really struggle with the lack of autonomy they have in school, which can explain why they have constant demands and lose control when they aren't met. So providing an element of choice can help, asking which way they want to walk, which way to drive home, which snack etc.

When there are multiple parents in there with infants, younger children, older children, buggies, giant puffa coats/dryrobes swishing and taking up space, demanding to know where Elsie's cardigan is, where's Timmy's club being held, where the Head is because the class teacher looked at Dad a bit funny, I'm stuck behind a broken down bus so can you let Jamie go on with Freya's Mum please, sorry, I've lost the permission slip for the trip to the wildlife pond, my Mummy hasn't come to pick me up, can I have my medicine back, why won't you let me pick up my grandson, he knows who I am, this all the doing of my son's ex you know and my Parentpay login doesn't work, along with the delivery of 32 boxes of A4 paper, pink, light green and baby blue arriving at the same time - the school office at kicking out time is absolutely not a good place for a tired, hungry and irritable 5 year old to be for a cosy sit and story - even if they actually have any chairs in the first place.

She needs to be out, walking, eating, not thinking, not carrying a bookbag, PE kit, cardigan, coat, scarf, hat and gloves and not having further stuff going on around her and in her face/looming over her head (because almost everybody's three and a half foot and eight stone larger than her). No conversation, no questions, nothing to want to escape from.

Mine usually took one look at the crush for the front gate and pegged in exactly the opposite direction towards the field at that age, unless I was carrying food. Then, as the effect of being subjected to six and a half hours of solid auditory and visual noise with added demands upon behaviour and brain faded away, she was able to just put one foot in front of another and eat.

Similar tactics work for dogs, too. Lumps of cheese he had to snuffle from my closed hand were good at encouraging him to come back and calm down for a peaceful stroll home after a big old run & bark around and some training.