WIBU to confront this mum re: arranging playdate?

I had this with someone when DC was at primary. I asked a few times but they were always busy. For some reason the mum didn't seem to like me. We live in a reasonably small community and there were times she'd cross the road to avoid me, or step into shops when I've been approaching on the High Street. No idea why. Five years in when I see her, she's friendly but a bit cool.*
We've offered playdates before at the park so there's an easy out if the kids don't get on, and we've also made sure the parent knows they can come along too, so their child isn't with a stranger.
We ended up making lots of friends on the basis that "X can't make it, how about you ask someone else?"

*I mentioned this to another mum friend and she'd experienced exactly the same thing from the same person. The child in question was allowed some playdates but they seemed to only be with the Queen Bee mums kids, not any normal, boring people like us. 😆

By 6 my DCs were doing playdates on their own unless the other mum was a particular friend of mine too.

At 6, it's not just a playdate for the kids but also for the parents. If the parents aren't keen on making polite chit chat, then they'll decline.

I would assume the mum is just busy and/or disorganised. Just tell your daughter that you and Betty's mum haven't been able to find a good day for it, which is the truth. There's nothing to have a confrontation about - you've invited them and the ball is in their court.

I'm sure it's not because of any dislike - much more likely something mundane. Betty's mum probably feels guilty every time she sees you and remembers she still hasn't replied properly!

Also, it doesn't sound like you've spoken much to Betty's mum in person. It's so much easier to think about planning a playdate when you know the other mum and there's no awkwardness about "who is she again? Are they a nice family?". See if you can bump into her now and then and develop a friendly rapport, and then an opportunity will naturally present itself. It might be that Betty comes to a group activity or birthday party, and that lays the foundation for the friendship to develop.

I'm from the UK but after 15 years in Germany, I don't think I could go back to the British "politeness". I love how direct Germans are and you always know where you stand 🙈
But yes I would leave it now, don't message again. Ask your dd is there is anyone else she'd like to invite.

I suspect Betty doesn't want the playdate. If she did, she'd be mithering her mother about it and her mother would be much keener to get it organised.

Best thing to do is to distract your DD with other playdates/friendships. That doesn't mean that her friendship with Betty won't change over time but for not it's one that the mum isn't keen to develop, for some reason.

Edited to add: Leave it friendly but in the mum's court. So I'd respond to her message about 'another time" with "Great. Maybe we can arrange something at a less busy time." and just leave it there.

It's a clear 'no' from Betty and/or the mum.
Just forget about it.
If/when they are ready, the mum will approach you.

‘If you read the whole post’ - ironic.

The OP says she isn’t British (neither am I) not that English is not her first language (it is mine). Her English is perfect. She makes it clear in the last paragraph that she is thinking of being ‘direct’. I am advising against that. As others have pointed out, she’s got her answer, albeit indirectly. ‘Should she confront’ is, literally, her question. And, she should not, is the advice.

Have you made it clear that you're inviting this child to your house to play? Just checking as from your OP it's not super clear and she might think you're wanting your child to go to her house?

Betty isn’t going to have a playdate with your daughter and the mum has been pretty clear about it, as has Betty. There could be any number of reasons for it that the Mum doesn’t want to go into from Betty doesn’t actually like your DD, her house is a complete mess so she feels she can’t reciprocate, Mum doesn’t trust anyone she doesn’t know etc. etc. It doesn’t really matter, it’s not happening regardless so there’s no need to ‘confront’ her or anything. Just tell your DD Betty is too busy after school, ask who else she plays with and then message those mums and hopefully book in a couple of playdates with different friends over the next few weeks.

It’s not 100% certain they don’t want a play date but yes I’d leave arranging for now. Maybe just try make idle chit chat with the mum on pick ups and see if you can get to nice acquaintance level and see how things progress with the kids.

This. Some people don't take no for an answer and it's not always right to be blunt. So read the cues and leave it.

Betty clearly doesn't want the play date and the mum is therefore not arranging it. I am not sure how much clearer the situation could be other than the mum saying 'no betty doesn't want to' which would be rude and cause offence. You need to tell your dd that Betty doesn't want a play date and that's fine.

It does sound liek Betty or her mum don't want to do a playdate.

But, just to check, have you said something vague like, "Would Betty like to come for a playdate - let me know when is convenient?" or specific like, "Would betty like to come over to ours after shool on Tuesday or Wednesday next week?" Because I am generally fine with playdates, but the former always annoys me a bit and/or results in me not doing the work required to organise the play date. Becuase suddenly I have to do lots of thinking, "okay, which days are good for us? What do I prefer? How can I make this work?" and then also go back to the person who almost ALWAYS then comes back with, "oh, I can't do Tuesdays" or whatever it is. But if I'm asked, "Is Tueday or Wednesay godo for you" I can quickly assess them and respond accordingly. Because quite frankly, I am busy and stressed and the effort involved in organising is too much for me.

Also, depending on exactly how the interaction has gone, it could be that you do say something to her casually like, "DD has been very keen on a playdate but I'm not sure if perhaps Betty is less keen or just doesn't like playdates and would prefer a trip to the park or something? Either way is completely fine but it would help me to manage DD's expectations." But I am conscious that I am not English either and that many of my English friends have turned out to be not 100% english (eg a foreign parent or lived overseas for a long time or similar).

I'd probably leave it. She's not interested.

You've given various options including asking when's good for her and you haven't got anything back.

She genuinely might be mega busy with work/multiple kids/elderly parents or anything, so don't take it personally. But I'd say don't ask again.

It isn't necessarily because Betty doesn't want to, it could be that the mum is anxious about her child being with people she doesn't know really well. In fact, I would think that more likely. I would just tell your dd that Betty is not able to come for a play-date at the moment, but hopefully some other time. And just give it time to maybe get to know the mum a bit better in an organic way.

It's a no

Just tell your child Betty’s not available for now and ask who she’d like to have instead.

I think you should just leave it. I was in a similar situation to Betty's mum where my son's classmate's mum kept inviting my son around for a playdate. My son did not want to go as he found his classmate moody and a bit unpredictable, wants to be friends one day not speaking to my son the next day.

I kept saying we were busy etc and thankfully the mum left it. I really didn't want to have the conversation with her about her son's behaviour as I like her and I hate confrontation!!

Perhaps, when the weather is better, you could suggest to Betty's mum that the four of you go to the park after school, @Sessilia?

I would just tell your daughter that you've asked Betty's mum and they're always too busy so let's invite x instead - don't make any big deal of it. If Betty or her mum don't want a playdate for whatever reason, you just have to accept that.

Betty and/or her mum clearly don’t want to play/organise anything so I’d stop asking and encourage other play dates with other kids.

Don’t confront her face to face. She’s not going to tell you the truth and you’ll look like an aggressive weirdo.

English isn't OP's first language. She doesn't mean confront in the agressive sense, if you read the whole post

Gosh I wish it was the done thing to just kindly say 'I'm sorry but Betty isn't keen on a playdate so it's not going to happen'. That's hardly rude!

I remember when ds was at nursery I approached a mum and said my son had been asking to hang out with her son one day and she said 'really? Wow, erm, x hasn't mentioned your kid once so idk from our side'.

Why are people so offended by honesty?!

Does Betty have play dates with other kids? Don’t say anything to the other parent, OP. You’ve already put it out there and the parent has not responded with an invitation. If she wants to, she will be in touch. If you message her, it will probably come across as pushy.