Strange behaviour of school friend mum

By 9, your child will have known their friends long enough for their parents to not still be ‘perfect strangers’ to you.

I think it’s odd as it sounds like this event has just happened but then says it happened months a go. I don’t know what OP is going to achieve from this thread as the event is long gone and has clearly blown over by now. I wouldn’t let my child go either.

If you seriously expect to be going along on play dates till your child is 10, they are simply not going to happen and you will really curtail your child's social life. For most parents, they get to know their child's friends' parents fairly naturally through chatting at school collecting time and, possibly, going with their child initially when they are very young, but once you know the parents surely you can make a judgment whether you trust them or not?

In this instance, when the arrangement was made you should have asked the mother whether it would be OK for you to go, rather than just assumed. That way she'd have had time to get ready and everything would have been fine.

And the statistical likelihood of that.....?

By the age of nine school friends patents tend not be complete strangers. You'll have intel on them
Whereabouts they live
seen them at parties
Seen them at school events
Probably meet at out-of-school clubs

My children were going for "tea" at other classmates houses at 5. So I obviously don't give a shit about the welfare of my children.

Nasty. I assume you've never experienced social anxiety. That isn't a reason to sneer at it.

OP, I haven't RTFT but my immediate thought was that she's probably panicking her house isn't tidy enough!

Of course.
I was being flippant because I found it ridiculous for the poster I was replying to suggest there were regular news stories about children being harmed on play dates when my Google found different but there were multiple accounts of teachers abusing pupils.

Anecdotally over four children and multiple years of play dates both supervised by me and where my children have been in the 'care or strangers' the two children I know who have been seriously hurt while playing at a friends house (one broken bone on a trampoline and one car accident) where when the parent of the child was also there.

100% agree with this. I wouldn't allow my 13 year old son or daughter to anyone's house until I've met parents and seen the set up.

I'd expect the same back. Kids parents have always wanted to meet me and see my home before allowing their child here. It's a no brainer.

Just think (for those disagreeing) your child might have been friends with Sara Sharif.

Odd behaviour. When young, I always assume parents will come, unless we know them well. My dd has had a few friends come over when the parents did not stay and even her best friend for a sleepover at ours age 4. But, we know the parents since girls were age 2 and several play dates and meet up all of us together. If it's the first play date, then parents always welcome...but after that they mostly happy to drop them off.

Not the norm to accompany here.
some of the more savvy mums (and ones with bigger houses!!) did early play dates in reception, they did them in school holidays with the parents in tow. Good way to gauge the parents for unaccompanied ones

If your kids want a play date sounds like you maybe need to suggest a park or soft play rather than a house.

Has your child had any play dates since this?

Can you describe the panicked situation? I’m wondering if she thought it was cancelled because you turned up for pick-up. She seems to think it’s your fault.

(As an aside “my child is crying themselves to sleep because of you” is a massive sign of a Cheeky Fucker. She hasn’t done any cheeky fuckery here but I bet she’s one of them.)

Who the fuck expects a 4 yr old to go to their home on their own unless they know the family really well; even then ...

Very weird.

I'm really curious as to how the conversation went, when she cancelled.

I'm struggling to see how someone would get into this situation when pickup is via school. In our school (as I think is standard) kids that age are only released to a named contact. Parents need to let teachers know if someone else is picking up, even another parent. So that would have been discussed.

Even if that's not the case at your school surely your oh and her would have diffused timings, whether child was to be dropped off or picked up etc. Is it possible your oh agreed something totally different?

Yes you are overreacting to something strange going on - you have different ideas she is happy and you are not. Both are valid depends on the children (mine took awhile to be comfortable to go without me DD was 6 maybe and DS I think was similar maybe even 7 in Year 2). Same with sleepovers (thiugh neither like them now at 15 and 12)

by the time you hit Year 1/2 they are r strangers they are your child friends parents you see at school etc

Is she a complete stranger or does your husband know her if she invited through him? I think the point regarding 8/9 year olds in a strangers house is a bit moot as you would have generally been at the school for a few years so would know a fair few parents naturally by then.

I don't think anyone was particularly wrong here. Just different expectations really. I wouldn't expect anyone to be coming home with me for an after school play date really and I wouldn't be a fan of having to entertain a parent when I thought I'd be getting on while the kids played.

This isn't the 80s.

There's no general rule here IME. Both of my DCs had playdates at houses without me being there when they were 4-5.

However, you do encounter the odd batshit parent and no primary school age (and maybe even lower secondary) would be ok for me given their idea of what is 'adequate supervision' (seatbelts optional, anyone?! Date night when you have a house full of kids 9-13, supervised by the 13 year old?) Unfortunately it's possible you find out these things by trial and error.

Same! Both my sons went to school on their own in year 6 because once they went to secondary they’d be going on the bus on their own anyway. I can’t see the difference between July (at primary) and September (at secondary).

Think nothing more of it. Unless it’s very explicitly not part of your local culture it is totally normal and expected to attend a play date with your child at that age.

We attended all in reception - and only dropped off once we knew the family in year one and up. Even in year 1-2 I’d invite a parent in for a cup of tea / it would be normal to hang for a quick chat at drop off just to make sure everything ok!

this is very much a her issue. The fact that she followed up by trying to put the emotional blame on you somehow - and then silence - is not your problem to solve. You’re not a social worker. Focus on play dates with parents who can meet you half way and make sensible / practical arrangements that they stick to!

Why is it odd to post about something that’s clearly been on her mind for quite a while, is there a time limit on wanting to discuss past events?

There is no way that I would have left my children with a stranger at that age, and no one I did play dates with when they were four would have done either.

Well you’d keep an eye obvs but it’s about the kids. That’s what we did when I was a kid and when my sons were small. Unless it was a particular friend no mums were involved

You say she arranged it via your DH. Is there any chance she fancies your DH and was hoping he was going to come?