Strange behaviour of school friend mum

Each to their own but personally I'd prefer to have all the playdates BEFORE recarpeting and redecorating so I could keep my house pristine just for me a bit longer 😂.

This.

Though we didn't do any after school play dates until year 1.

God I agree. Bonkers!

I can’t remember what happened in reception. Maybe I only did play dates with my friends so we chatted and drank a glass of wine whilst the kids played. I certainly wouldn’t have sat for hours making small talk with someone I didn’t know.

From yr1 they were definitely going alone. But you would had some knowledge of who these people were.

Far too many overprotective parents on here.

I’m sure she assumed you weren’t going and didn’t fancy you hanging around. Just need clearer communication from both sides next time.

The problem is with her OP, she's probably quite anxious or self conscious about her house. I'd be sympathetic to her. It's very normal to accompany a 4yo on a play date.

They go solo long before 10 though, so I'd wrap your head around that. I wouldn't accompany my 6yo's to a playdate with anyone in her class unless the mum and I were friends and we were going to enjoy a meet up too. (Well, she has allergies which complicates things, but aside from that.)

I would never leave a child under 10 years old alone at a stranger's house. Anything could happen, from a dog bite, to a weird relative hanging around. Where Im from it certainly is not the norm.

I am a foster carer, and despite children's services usually being over protective, I would be in huge trouble if I insisted on accomanying a foster child to a playdate. I have also never had another parent stay with their child on a playdate from school age onwards.

Sounds entirely normal for a mumsnetter....

going to playdate with 9-10 year old?! :D that’s a bit precious OP, but probably because yours is just 4 so you are not able to see passed this age yet. Believe me they change very quickly.

Once mine were at school, once I knew the parents and been to their house, met them at birthday parties, they came to mine etc, I had no problem (read: was very pleased to have some free time) leaving them. That happened probably around end of year 1.

(No sleepovers though, that’s different and where I start to get precious!)

@Kikili Is this the other mums first kid? Maybe she’s new to all the play date stuff and it had just not occurred to her that a parent would accompany the child and when it was apparent you planned on attending as well, she did as you said and panicked. I admit I’d probably feel a bit awkward being forced to make small talk with a parent I’d never met before for a long period of time in my home. But then likewise like you would expect to accompany a 4 year old, so I see it from both sides.
Dont think I’m being snarky OP, but why are you posting this now when you say this happened some time ago? I’m just interested.
And have you invited their kid over in the meantime?

Sounds like you don't know what you expect in terms of response here - you say "no child under 10 to have a playdate without supervision, to "I'd be happy for a 9yo to have an unsupervised playdate". Maybe time to move on from this - and with all due respect - good luck telling a 8yo you'll be tagging along.

It's the norm where I am for kids to go on playdates without parents once they're in school, unless the child really objects (which would be strange past reception). I think you need to cut this parent some slack and maybe just recognise you have very different attitudes, and that yours is towards the extreme end. Trust me, your child will not thank you if you are still accompanying them on playdates until they are 10! It also suggests you don't trust the other parents an inch, which isn't going to win you any friends

I definitely wouldn’t send a 4 year old to someone’s house who I didn’t know well/ have never met but I’m sure some people would, if that’s what she was expecting then I can understand her panicking and cancelling. I also wouldn’t want a parent I didn’t know to come to my house but I’d happily meet at soft play etc.

In case that's aimed at me - I wouldn't be accompanying the child to the person's house at secondary school.

My kids went on dozens of playdates alone in primary school and this woman sounds odd - who knows what is going on with her.

But it isn't entirely crazy to want to have a steer on someone's parenting style.

I did have a case where my daughter was invited for a sleep over in late primary and the mother mentioned (thankfully before we agreed) that she and her husband might be planning "to go out for a bit" while the 13 year old supervised. No.

Not something you'd ever think to ask beforehand though. She was also the one who thought no seatbelts were okay in her car.

I strongly suspect you have not given the full story here. She is clearly behaving as if you cancelled the play date so either there has been a misunderstanding or you are not telling the full story. Can you relay exactly how the conversation went in the playground on the day of the play date?

It depends. If your child is confident and sensible then no you don’t need to accompany them everywhere

However if your child is shy and young for their age then being there for them till they grow in confidence is building their resilience

I was thinking it sounds like she thinks you cancelled too! If that's what she thinks, she'll b waiting for you to invite! Why don't you invite her and her little.one round to your house for the afternoon and provide coffee and get to know her! Then she'll probably return the offer

Just think (for those disagreeing) your child might have been friends with Sara Sharif

That's kind of like never going to the Doctor because of Harold Shipman.

I'm agog at some of these replies. No wonder so many kids lack resilience if Mummy is assisting on accompanying them on playdates until they are well into secondary school 🤦🏼‍♀️

Round here it would be seen as very unusual for you to join in with a play date when in school. Possibly in reception but only if explicitly discussed first!

I wonder if there is something going on in her house like a husband hanging around who she knows is going to act inappropriately to any other woman going into her house.

Or she has severe jealousy of you meeting her husband and having an affair with him

You might change that to 7/8/9 once your DC reaches that age and has a nice little friendship group! At 10 mine goes out on his own and calls for his friends and they hang out with no parents!! There is definitely an in-between stage! There's one or two parents I wouldn't let my child go to the home of, even now he's 10, but it's pretty rare for play dates to include parents much beyond the age of 7 or 8...

Surely the response was

But you were the one who cancelled it.

She's probably assumed as she's got her own cold that she's perfectly able to look after yous too, so the kids can play and she can carry on without having to entertain a guest as such.

Your message about crying to sleep makes me think she thinks you cancelled the play date though. That she saw you and you said something to imply the play date wouldn't be happening. What was the actual conversation when she saw you?

I get thinking you would go at 4 - but at 7.8.9 it's a bit old imo. If you want to do this, I would suggest more of a day out thing at an event or park with another mum as I wouldn't want to go and sit in a house on a play date after school at that age. Up to you it's your prerogative but I think that would work better.

Odd that she would cancel the Play date the n say he was crying himself to sleep but I would think it's a messy house, social anxiety type thing and being caught on the hop.

You could invite her to yours for coffee cake and a play date another time if it's something you want to encourage

I can only think her house is a mess. Or maybe they smoke indoors and they know you'd think that was out of order? But hoping the child wouldn't notice?
Four is too young to go alone unless the friends parents are very close with you.