Strange behaviour of school friend mum

Oh heck...awkward

I can see why she cancelled but if i were her, id make it clear from the outset

"Would Charlie like to come to play? Ill collect from school and give them dinner and can you pick him up around 5pm? Here's my address"

Once the kids are of school age, they can go on a play date without you

Otherwise the invitation says would you and Charlie like to come round after school?

Here parents would go along for the first play date, so I don't think you were unreasonable.

When my daughter was 2 and at a playgroup another mother invited us over and told me to bring my other daughter, who was 3 and at the same playgroup. We turned up - house was massive, gated. Anyway, she opened the door and introduced us to the nanny and left us in the kitchen while she did a personal training session in the (massive) hall next to us.

I was bemused to say the least.

People can have strange ideas about what is OK.

Oh God the carpets are bad though! 😅 it's gonna be such a faff but i can't put it off

same here

Memory of particularly traumatic playdate - paint spattered on walls.

It was meant to be "washable" but large chunks of our paintwork came off when we made the attempt 😆.

I'd be inclined to think there has been a misunderstanding OP. Was it first arranged via your DH? I can see why she may have been confused if she said she'd pick up and take them back to hers for tea and then you turned up and she panicked a bit. I'd probably send another invite (if they are still friends) or suggest a park meet up. I've always found it far easier to keep on good terms with the school mums.

Parents obviously have different views about when is suitable to leave their child at a playdate and it depends on so much other stuff, past experience, type of community you live in, your child's personality etc. My experience of play dates is that at 4 you would usually go as well, unless you knew the parent really well and then they start to go by themselves at 6 or 7. I did a birthday party at home for all the boys in DS's class when he was 7 and we had just moved to the area so didn't really know any of the parents and they all came and happily dropped off.

If it’s bothering you @Kikili you could just reply and say ‘we were also disappointed when you cancelled, but just to let you know I would always attend the first play date to make sure ny DC settled ok. Please don’t think I was only doing that because it’s you’ or something. And you could say ‘you’re welcome at mine as well as your DC’

You’re quite right. Children are at far greater risk from people they know than a random stranger in the street.

No way , why would she just assume you'd let her pick up a 4 year old without talking about it first? You are supposed to inform the school anyway if someone else will be doing pick up. Is it likely she didn't assume she'd be picking up your child on her own but just forgot about the whole play date altogether? Strange that nothing was mentioned before school pick up , like we still OK for a play date today etc

We’re more cautious with our children safety

That does depend, if the alternative is them never going anywhere, and your hope is that they will become confident to go alone.

How exactly have times changed since the eighties?

I would have texted her back and said ‘it’s a shame he cried himself to sleep, did you explain to him why you cancelled? BTW why was the play date cancelled?’

No YANBU. I wouldn’t let my 4yo go to a stranger’s (M or F) home without me . it’s different if she’s a close friend or a long standing arrangement
Its most likely her not thinking but I certainly wouldn’t risk my child’s safety
Her behaviour afterwards may have been from embarrassment or annoyance but it could ( unlikely I know) be because you stopped her in her tracks
Either way she’s continuing to behave oddly so you were probably right not to entrust your DS to her unsupervised care . The fact that her DS was upset is on her , not you .

.

Jesus that’s appalling. I can understand your caution.

To be honest we can't really deduce from op's post how it was phrased. Did op say "oh you're not taking my child to your house without me" or " ok, let's all head over to your place" and then the other mum freaked and withdrew? Hopefully op can come back to the thread and clear up a few posters questions 🙂

I can’t imagine that accompanying a 10 year old when they visit a friend’s house to play will do anything for the child’s confidence, no matter how shy they might be.

It doesn't make any difference what other people do, you do what you feel comfortable with regarding your children. What's the purpose of posting about this months later? She feels a bit awkward? So leave her be!

@10storeylovesong "
There has been an example where I work. Someone has tried to grab an 11 year old girl on the way the school."

It's important to remember that these incidents, usually involving a white van, are almost invariably exaggeration, misunderstanding, a family conflict or entirely made up. I would say invariably, but nothing is impossible.

There is nothing strange going on. Different people just have different views on when they feel it is appropriate for young children to go on play dates alone.

She didn't expect you to be joining and maybe feels a bit self conscious about her home (entirely innocent things like size, state of garden, decor, hasn't washed her windows!) and that you might judge her. I wouldn't overthink it.

But I agree with you, I would not leave a 4 year old on a play date with someone I did not know well. Too young.

This point may be a little too close to the bone for me this week.

Sigh...

<Googles replacement bed slats>

I meant refusing to let him go without her.

I think you will really stunt your child's friendship circle if you insist on accompanying them on play dates at age 7 - 9, I doubt they would get invited beyond the first time if you insisted on this. By the end of reception I knew most of the school mums from pick up and parties. I probably see them more often than my friends, we all WhatsApp and sometimes meet for coffee or wine.

My DD has had school friends over for sleepovers at age 7, and started sleeping at her best friend’s house at a similar age. It’s very common to do unaccompanied play dates after school in reception here.

When my dc were at primary we’d just tell the teacher ‘he’s going home with Archie today’ and text the parent to ask what time to collect., or they’d bring them home after tea.