Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

“perhaps frightened about me exploding and becoming a harridan and wanted to protect my husband as he's been trained to do”

it’s sad that your husband and son have made you feel like that OP, and very misogynistic.
@MyNextSteps

All I see here is a very incompatible "couple". 90% of your complaints is really because you're both not compatible and not necessarily what he's done wrong. You're who you are and he's who he is. You're probably more susceptible and willing to change and he is both not the same way AND he doesn't actually see that there's a problem to change. I

It's such a shame that it took this long but you've reached a stalemate and all you can do is to separate as practically, logically and rationally as you can. Get a solicitor and stick to the facts, follow their guidance and do what you have to do. Once you've made your clean break, you can find anyone of your liking for companionship.

I'm sure it won't be easy for you as it seems you've put so much emotionally in this relationship but just remember that he's your opposite - sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they clash. Yours is clashing. The right thing is to separate and be as happy as you can again.

Your children will deal; they're adults.

Now is the perfect time to leave. He got an “all clear” on cancer and he won’t admit to the autism diagnosis so what is there to be said?

Just don’t engage in any argument. Leaving someone is not a negotiation. Its a decision.

Go home. Settle the animals. Hire a solicitor. And leave as fast as you can with your share of the assets.

When H or your children abuse you for it just say “this is one more reason for me to leave.”

@MyNextSteps its good you’ve found some clarity and perspective on what to do next. My only suggestion is to attempt to move forward in the most detached and unemotional way possible when dealing with your husband. He will be the ultimate victim (she’s leaving me after I was diagnosed with autism and cancer, breaking up our family when we need her most etc). You need to think carefully about how you communicate your plans and reasons with both him, your children and wider family/friends. It’s clearly a very emotional thing for all involved and from what you’ve written you sound like a heart on your sleeve kind of person but in this situation you may be better served by being more reserved. Don’t be goaded into conflict, don’t be guilted into reacting, that’s what he needs to justify the situation and how none of it is his doing. You need to allow yourself to maintain your relationship with your children the best you can and that may mean having to act in a way that your husband can’t be the victim in their eyes.

MyNextSteps
Is he feeding the animals?

or do you have someone who can go around to check.

Otherwise if anything happens and you get angry he will once again play the victim

Its those that continue to live in toxic or unsatisfactory relationships that end up getting ill at a younger age.

All that resentment and anger and feeling like you aren’t free has a physical effect on the body

Have permission to do what you want to do. You have sacrificed decades if you want a fling, bloody well have one! We have one life op. We can’t pour precious resources and energies into someone that hasn’t even bothered to call or text. Doesn’t that just say it all?

Go as gently as you can as you extract yourself, and be understanding of the choir of emotions as you finally take the plunge but I very much doubt you will ever look back. The rest of your life starts here.

I think it must be depend on whom you know.

@SixtySomething Many of your posts are very negative and frankly, ageist.

A lot of the decline you mention for 'over 60s' is down to lifestyle choices and can be avoidable with sensible behaviour like not being overweight, exercising, and taking care of health. (And yes, some people are unlucky even if they do all of that.)

My friends in their 60s are full of beans, really busy, some still working, travelling, etc etc.

IME the 'rot' tends to set in at 80+ not 60.

Did you not know 60 is the new 40?

I read your post and "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got" sprung into my head. You've worked and done and enabled and kept secrets for him all this time and where has it got you? If you leave, you will have a chance at a good and real relationship with your DC rather than your H playing victim and using you as a mask for his ND. Even if you don't have a relationship with another man, that's worth so much.

Also, look at finances and maybe see a soliticotr. You'd be entitled to a fair share even if you're the one initiating divorce so maybe you wouldn't need to go back to work at nearly 60? Is there a way you can you keep your PT job?

Yes, yes, yes to reading Lundy Bancroft's book as previously linked. Men can be ND AND abusive, it isn't necessarily "accidental abuse" due to the ND. Lundy goes through all the supposed "reasons" for abuse and debunks them. It's really eye opening.

Once you're out of the marriage, I'd then tell your DC some of the factors - that your H has autism and has never been able to be emotionally available, that he was going through a potential cancer diagnosis but not that your marriage lacked intimacy (too personal for DC to handle imo).

Please remember, I'm not encouraging anything. i'm simply saying, please think of both sides of the coin.

I understand what you're saying and do agree with your points.
My position is that the OP should have her eyes open. It MAY be that her husband is nothing like husbands you mention in your post.
I'm saying we actually don't know, so it's important OP thinks about it herself from every angle as she is the one who does know the good as well as the bad.

The only thing I don't go along with is the shoving. I think teenagers' hormones are all over the place. There was a general fracas going on and he got carried away. Of course the OP's DH should have been able to intervene or reprove but he can't play that kind of role, sadly for OP and her DS.

But as he has/will be moving on in any case, I don't think it's worth busting up a family over one shove. For all we know, he may feel ashamed of himself.

@SixtySomething

its not history. I bet it’s very much still alive and present in OP’s mind. Has she ever had an apology from her husband? From her son? We don’t know if he still lives with her but if he does he does he deserves kicking out.

@SixtySomething as someone currently single in their forties following divorce after domestic abuse, and with various chronic illnesses, I do worry about getting older without a spouse for company and mutual support etc. I’d also love to meet someone great outside of that whole worry, as I feel I have a lot to give and I’m a very loving person.

And so I do have some sympathy for the view that an imperfect husband is better than no husband especially as you get older; I find it frustrating sometimes seeing people complain about their generally pretty great husband for one thing or another while totally overlooking the amount of support they do give their wives and family that is taken for granted. Including finances, which I find bizarre as it is no small thing to have to run a household and support children on one person’s income, which as a single mother I know only too well.

At the same time I 100 percent would not want to have got older, frailer and sicker while living with an abuser and have zero regrets about ending my marriage, whether or not I meet someone else at some point.

I’m a GP and I have had female patients in their 60s, 70s, even 80s and 90s dealing with domestic abuse from their husbands, having been married all their lives and managing to conceal it previously. Often the abuse actually ramps up if anything with the victim advancing in age and acquiring chronic diseases when someone is abusive. I’ve literally had a couple on their 90s split up after she was punched and pushed down the stairs by her lifelong husband. And it’s so much harder to organise the practicalities of a split in your 90s compared to your 50s. So OP should consider this as well. Because this marriage sounds completely doomed. It’s not going to get better.

So in this case, I really think the OP is better off alone. For me it’s an absolutely unforgivable line in the sand he has crossed here by encouraging physical violence from an adult sized son towards her, and it shows the contempt with which he regards her. This is way beyond someone being a grumpy old git and not great company.

@SixtySomething Stop minimising and normalising abusive behaviour. Absolutely bizarre to be encouraging the OP to stay in an abusive and dysfunctional situation just so she has company when she is older! Also it’s not normal for teenage sons to ‘shove’ their mothers, and for the father to not intervene. I feel I’m in a parallel universe reading your posts.

The OP has a life outside of her husband - she will be fine, much better than fine, once she is away from this toxicity.

This sounds like a much needed circuit break. Let them fend for themselves. Take your time to think.

No.
Regrettably, plenty of teenagers, especially males, are not above giving their mothers, and others, a shove. It happens. Mostly, they grow out of it. And yes, I've heard of fathers unable to step in. It happens.
Any road, the young man may feel terrible about it. Either way he's already moved out or likely to do so before too long.
It's history.

On the legal side speak to a solicitor. Eg moving back in may be important to prove she is not separately housed. Excluding the husband from the home is probably not going to be allowed until the whole divorce is over. My husband was advised to stay by his solicitor until the bitter end as it was still his house as much as mine until transfer of huge sum to his account, property remortgaged and house transferred into my name. In fact if husband wants to sell the house as in this case and wife cannot afford to buy him out and probably will not get 100% of the equity despite not working as the children are no longer at home it is likely legally to be wife dragging her feet to put off the moment of sale not husband.

They should both see a solicitor and not waste one second of that paid time talking about feelings - only facts as if you want someone to help with feelings see a therapist

The wrong company isn't much help when you're lonely.

@SixtySomething

are you totally missing the bit about OP’s husband allowing and actively encouraging their adult son to be physically aggressive towards her??

What you say sounds very sensible and I'm sure you've thought about it.
However, I do wonder how many people in the 65 + age group, who are living with a chronic health condition, would express that opinion?
The reality is that our attitudes and needs change as we get older. Loneliness is possibly the biggest challenge for older people.
It may be hard to accept that in one's seventies, the company of a bad-tempered old git, who can being you a cup of tea, may be 100% preferable to seven days a week of watching the tv alone.
If you're short of money, hard of hearing and can't get about, making and maintaining friendships is a challenge.

There are no health issues that could develop that would make me stay with a man who sat back and watched my son physically attack me.

I wouldn't even want to deal with him in the capacity of a free taxi service. Never mind "company" in my old age. I'd rather stare at the wall for twenty years than at a man like that.

This option also fails to recognise that you could end up being their carer, trapped in your old age caring for someone you despise, and who despises you.

@MyNextSteps I don't know if you are reading this still- 17 pages and counting!

However, IMO it's quite simple.

I don't see the point TBH of 17 pages examining his behaviour and ND. Far too many amateur armchair psychs here!

Whatever label you give his behaviour and personality isn't the point.

He won't change.
You won't change.

You're incompatible as a couple and have been for decades.

At 59 you're still a relatively young woman. It's quite likely you will live for another 30 years or more. You can certainly go back into work years if you need to for the money, even just part time. The state pension age is now 67 and increasing, so working later in life is going to be the norm.

Leaving your marriage is a big step. Yes, there will be a financial 'hit' but staying put to avoid that makes no sense.

I understand how hard it is, but you must focus on the better life you could have on your own (for god's sake don't even think about dating or finding another man yet!)

There will be a price to pay- your children will experience the split, you may be a bit poorer - but these are preferable to spending the rest of your life in this marriage which doesn't meet your needs in any way at all.

Once you make the mental shift to accept it's over, I'm sure you'll find the strength to make the practical changes.

What exactly is the difference between your Adhd and the new fangled ADHD

From someone who was diagnosed quite recently