Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.
So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Op, I could have written so much of your thread. I'm sorry you find yourself here. Again, husband retired and it became far more noticeable, it seemed to tick over whilst husband was working. You have woken up to this and so did I a couple of years ago. It has taken a while for me to get here but I plan to divorce my husband and go my own way. He very much plays the victim and refuses to look at himself and his behaviour. He has tried alienating the dc against me and making the dc believe I am the bad one and the dc have began copying some of his behaviour. Lesser house and comforts for me too but you only get one life and enough is enough, I'd rather live without than carrying living like this.

So I do disagree with your opinion because your opinion isn't fact.

The facts in your post are that your assessment was intense, and that many professionals were involved. That maximizes the chance of correct diagnosis.

However, it is also a fact that the diagnosis developed isn't always correct, that many other conditions can look like autism. A robust procedure and trained clinicians can help with this, but believing they always get it right is your opinion.

A diagnosis is often made off a singular judgement, even within the NHS. I do not work in specialist ND services myself, but I’ve known many patients (and friends of mine) be diagnosed with a form of ND after meeting with a psychiatrist 2-3 times for an assessment. The multi perspective nature of these assessments tend to be questionnaires completed by a family member/ someone who knows the person over a lengthy period. Private assessments can be even more brief. As a clinician I do have concerns about this, I’m glad to hear you had a comprehensive assessment but it’s definitely not always the case.

Anyway - I agree with your point re being on the spectrum.

That 's a good idea!

What about if finances allowed (and planning) getting a static caravan (or even converting an outbuilding/building something) for one of you to live in so you don't have to sell up but can live separately and you can move on with your life

A diagnosis is a judgement from multiple professionals under a multidisciplinary team, based on whether a person meets the triad of impairments and has done consistently since childhood, and whether they're significantly impared by them and also to rule out any other conditions that could cause such behaviours. It isn't just based on the judgement of a singular person doing an assessment.

Having been through the process myself as an adult I'm actually very aware of how in depth they delve into your life to ensure that behaviours are present throughout and they look for things you don't even notice in your assessment. They are also highly aware of masking individuals as they asked me to participate in a masking assessment.

So I do disagree with your opinion because your opinion isn't fact.

And back to my original point, no, not everyone is on the spectrum. Only autistic people are.

I am a psychologist who is trained to diagnose neurodivergence and I agree. There is so much overlap between ADHD, trauma and anxiety for example - a thorough assessment is needed to unpack these complexities, and I worry about these assessments being completed privately by lesser qualified professionals who can charge a small fortune.

I’ll shut up now and stop de-railing!

@Jimmyneutronsforehead It's actually very difficult to diagnose autism and much of it is based on judgement of the person doing the assessing, although when it's severe and in a child, that's different.

It's incredibly hard to diagnose someone close to 60 with autism because the line between learned behaviour and being neurodiverse is a fine one.

My concern now is that a range of relatively normal behaviour is now being diagnosed as autism. Or that a label of autism is being used for behaviour that isn't acceptable within a relationship, for example.

You probably won't agree, but that's my view.

This. It’s very easy to judge a situation when you’re not in it.

Op, please don't feel you need to justify why you stayed. It's obvious raising 5 kids would mean marital issues took a back seat & it was easier to be a SAHM at that point. People are being v dense & insensitive not to see that.

Oh you have my sympathy OP. I love my DH but I’ve been neglected for years.

Ive spent thousands on therapy instead and am grateful to know it’s not me, but it also burns all the hope to have for a normal relationship once you see how they will never change.

Be careful with your heart, I know you’d like a fling but you’re vulnerable right now.

I hope you’ll find a nice new place where you can start to rebuild who you are.

I have to say im stunned at the numbers of people who have experienced the same. We are all in the dysfunctional relationship widows club it seems.

At least you are leaving… im stuck for another 3 or so years maybe more until kids are old enough for me to leave.

Enjoy your freedom! I’m not far behind you!

I am very familiar with the situation you have found yourself in having been there myself - main issues avoidant of emotional intimacy, unable to discuss or confront issues, weak parenting / boundaries /discipline and then often undermining my parenting, lazy domestically etc. Mine was also an alcoholic and I became that screeching loon.

I have had plenty of time to reflect and know that my own very difficult childhood set me up to be driven, be the coper, leader, accept crumbs and have zero expectations of having any emotional needs met. We met very young (at school) and I will admit that I had to push him for 'normal' life stages - buying a house, building his career, getting married, having children etc. I should have taken notice of his resistance and I just took on all of the chores and he was a reluctant passenger....worse even a friend described our family as a canoe with me paddling a the front and him derailing at the back. I didnt know then (due to shit childhood) about boundaries, equality etc. I kept myself busy with lots of children, friends and a demanding career....and I can see now that I wasnt paying attention to what was going on. I wonder if you ave done that too - made youself busy as an unconscious destraction with children and animals (compulsive care-giving?) ... and you just burn out at menopause? Myabe you were just no compatible from the start?

If yes, then you would understand that the parent/child dynamic is ubiquitous in such relationships where there is neither acceptance of it or an attempt to mitigate the inadequacies in said relationships.

That is still a generalisation; not all NT/ND relationships have the same dynamic and yes it's about the compatibility/lack of compatibility of the NT and ND person as much as it is with an ND/ND person. It doesn't always work with the latter either. Compatibility is multifaceted, as I said.

Have you ever been/are you in a NT/ND romantic relationship?

If yes, then you would understand that the parent/child dynamic is ubiquitous in such relationships where there is neither acceptance of it or an attempt to mitigate the inadequacies in said relationships.

It is not simply about incompatibility.

We're all 'on the spectrum' to an extent - it's a spectrum with a wide range.

No. If you're autistic then you're on the spectrum.

If you're not autistic then you're not on the spectrum.

Implying we're all a little bit autistic is ableist.

That isn't to say that if you're not autistic you don't have needs but you can't possibly have autism spectrum disorder if you're not autistic so therefore NT people aren't on the spectrum.

I just hope that in the future people can get earlier ND diagnoses so that they and their partners can understand the possible dynamics of an NT/ND marriage and make more informed choices.

While I agree with diagnosis where necessary, it's really not so much about NT/ND dynamic but a dynamic between two incompatible partners. Some NT/NT can be incompatible and have similar problems too due to that; some ND/ND couples can have the same problems too because we're all different. Humans are also multifaceted so it isn't always just the "NT-ness" or "ND-ness" but also personality, character, values, upbringing, etc...basically nature + nurture that can make people turn out the way they do. Some people are able and willing to compromise or sacrifice or change; others aren't.

So the advice is to go into any relationship with eyes open. Love+practicality and don't ignore red flags or think you can change them.

When I told my husband I wanted a divorce (which is probably the hardest thing I ever did after 19.5 years of marriage) my main aim was to be 100% clear - these are the facts; This is what happens next. This is what you do and what I do so there was no room for negotiation about my decision. However only have that conversation when it is clear that is what you want. Good luck. My divorce was one of the best things I did by the way. It is not always a negative process. It can instead lead to everyone - both parents and the children being happier.

100%

And re-emphasising to get legal advice before you go back to the house, OP, so you have a plan and can tell him that you will be leaving, divorcing, and how you expect it to play out.

Also being ND is not a free pass to behave like a selfish whining wanker. ND myself.

Yeah I've not really talked about whether he's ND or NPD because for me it's about how you are treated. If the way you are being treated is intolerable then it doesn't matter what's behind it.

I think all you can do is get good legal advice and seek support from people that you can trust. He will just have to do the same.

I've read your update OP. I agree with a recent poster who says the ND label is irrelevant. This is a long marriage that's not working- the reason why isn't that important.

I've already said you should leave.
However, I also think that when you reflect on this in years to come you may acknowledge that this marriage wasn't good from the start. You said as much in your first post.

I'm sorry to say this but your H's reaction could simply say he doesn't care. I know you feel angry and want to 'blame' him for being passive. But the fact is he doesn't appear to be bothered. And like many men, they wait for the woman to make the break as they don't have enough balls to do it.

This is really, really common. Another version of it is the 'exit affair' to bring the whole thing to a head.

It's a mistake to blame all of this on him being neurodiverse. There are millions of people who are ND and manage to have successful relationships. We're all 'on the spectrum' to an extent - it's a spectrum with a wide range.

I take with a pinch of salt some diagnoses. It's not easy to diagnose any personality issue like this as it's all based on Q&A interview, with no absolute definition.

So, I'd forget his diagnosis and focus on the fact that your marriage has run its course. You have to accept that you're part of that decline by putting up with it for so long.

Yes, it's not easy to start again at 59, but you had a career, you can pickup work of some sort.

You'll get a 50-50 settlement at least, you probably won't be poor as you've had a career so presumably you're able to access a good pension as you've retired young.

Try to be positive about how you can adjust and create a happier life.

You’ve done your time. You have put up with an enough bad treatment both from him and your children. Get out and start looking after your own interests. Let him sort himself out. You children can sort themselves out too.

I wish all the contortionists who fantasize that the dh is the victim here would stop censoring OP or finding excuses for the dh. Adults with ND who hold down jobs and have five children are just as responsible for managing to live harmoniously with their families as NT people who accept these duties.