Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

I'm not ND but grew up in a household where many others had ND diagnosis. If I were trying to decipher his perspective now I'd say he's lost his routine, the change has thrown him and it likely hasn't occurred to him that he can do something to move forward. That would be typical, and very similar to how people in my own life would initially respond.

I also highly suspect though, that at least one child has asked him what he's going to do and his preference is to do nothing. It's hard to maintain a victim persona when you're being decisive and taking control. Now that you're not there to deflect on to, he'll be reluctant to do much more than wallow. Just my own experience and opinion, but I don't think that has anything to do with his diagnosis.

There's no point trying to figure him out though, his ND means that he just won't be processing and considering things the way you do. Other aspects of his personality which are nothing to do with autism mean he probably doesn't want to either.

In your shoes I'd be taking steps to make the split permanent. What you described is no way to live.

I left my autistic recently diagnosed husband 3 years ago and I am much happier. I then got diagnosed with adhd recently. I seem to notice a lot of add men appear to be with adhd women (mostly undiagnosed) which i find interesting and would love to research this maybe at some point. But if you arent happy life's for living.

OP, going by what my dd (who is ND) would do, she would probably freeze. In your dh's situation, she would not know the first thing about how to find or consult a lawyer. She would not look at places to move out to. As for any strong emotions, she would not know how to handle that so would just slope off into a peaceful refuge, usually her bedroom. But that is dd and I would not assume all other ND people react in the same way.

On top of being ND, your dh is a nasty person. So even if he were in despair, he will not show it to you. He will goad you to the point of losing control because that is how he gets his kicks or relief. That means not giving you what you want - which is to beg you to come back - at all costs. So don't waste time trying to analyse how he is taking your impending departure.

His previous actions speak louder than words. Please look after yourself and keep moving forward.

I would suggest seeing a divorce lawyer asap before saying any more to dh.

I suspect if you include in your separation announcement what you want him to do, he will take it better and not obstruct you. But that depends on what the divorce lawyers consider a fair split of the assets and finances and what he will have to live on after the divorce.

I think you both likely have very different attachment styles too. He is very avoidant and shuts down. You are potentially anxious and need reassurance. This can become a very difficult dynamic. As I said earlier, he just won’t meet your needs. Analysing his behaviours will just serve to keep you stuck. I say this as a psychologist - I love a bit of analysis 🤣 but it is so important to know when to stop, analysis paralysis is very real. Keep moving forwards OP. It’s likely lots of insights will come to you naturally once you’ve had time and space away from him to process.

I can't imagine my partner walking out like this because we don't have that type of relationship. We both have good insight into ourselves and each other. We know when to compromise and make adjustments because of the ND and when to not pander to the secondary consequences of the ND. Things like he'll help me with an issue, but he won't do it for me. I still have to do things, with his support, and it's his support that enables me to do things.

Unfortunately, you have fallen into the cycle of doing everything for him (at your own expense) because he's ND, and so he's never learned to do things for himself. It's a learned helplessness. At his age now it's very unlikely he will be able to change that.

He will fight hard for a return to the norm because that’s what he knows and he won’t welcome change.

Once he knows that’s not available he could turn quite nasty.

Then once a new set up is established he could become nicer again.

just summarising what I’ve seen before in these situations.

Many of us on the NT/ND partner threads have read both sides of partnerswalking out in despair.

It just means you’re not well matched anymore. Not that either party is to blame.

Sometimes it can be the result of the dynamic of the relationship. If you've always been the one to carry the mental load, compromise, make things work, etc, it might not even occur for him to try figure this out for himself. So he's waiting for you to tell him what he has to do to fix this, as always.

He probably knows he's making you miserable, but he doesn't realise that this is something he can change. He thinks he can't help it and that you just don't understand. Hence his feeling sorry for himself.

ND people like routine and sameness. You’ve just switched off his GPS to navigate life because you’ve done it for him all his life. You’re not there and he’s in free fall.

He’s now got no system to pin anything on.

This is not your fault. He’s going to need time to adjust.

Often these people cannot imagine scenarios of things happening until they actually happen.

He has not planned for any of this I would imagine and that’s why he’s in such shock.

Some can only experience feelings once a situation happens. They cannot project forward and imagine it.

I think you need to stop tying yourself up in knots analysing this man and start planning the rest of your life.

None of that matters. None of it. Whatever his thought processes or motivations, the impact of his behaviour on you is the same. So, instead of obsessively poring over the whats and whys of said behaviour, figure out what you want and start working towards that.

You need to go & collect copies of your admin documents, pension, life insurance, savings, mortgage. passport, marriage cert, all important docs.etc etc.
Plus you should check he isn't emptying your joint bank account...
You need to change your passwords on your cloud, & make sure he isn't able to access your private correspondence.
He may not be able to show any kind of empathy, love or care but my guess is that looking after himself will still be a high priority.
& in full Victim mode try to make your life as difficult as possible.
You are doing the right thing. I would not be protecting him by keeping this health scare a secret.
Your DC walk all over you because he has set you up as the "baddy".
They will probably be all sorts of emotional blackmail from them. ("poor Daddy, who is going to take care of him, he has done nothing wrong".)
You are doing the right thing.
Grey Rock & follow through

I agree. Excellent message from @Mollydoggerson

OP, one thing to consider before communicating with your dcs and to include in the message is how this will affect their living arrangements, especially if any of them are still living with you and dh.

I would advise you see a divorce lawyer first to find out your rights in relation to the house and what you might have to pay to your 'd'h in a divorce. Divorce in the UK is generally not kind to the higher earner.

Since he waits for you to tell him what to do next, tell him to leave the house. But you should work out the legalities and logistics first, because you know he won't and also because you now want to work it out to your advantage.

This is so giid!

Listen to Dr Ramani on you tube. He could be a covert narcissist too. Good luck. You deserve better than this.

Look up DARVO
gaslighting
reactive abuse.

You are not going mad. He’s not a nice man.

I think your latest post just shows that you are doing the right thing by walking away, as hard as that will be - you can never get your needs met by him, and you will continually be perplexed, frustrated and driven mad if you stay.

Focus on repairing relationships with your children and your own wellbeing.

Your relationship is not working out. Period. Move on. If you got hit by a bud in the morning - what would you regret? Staying or going?

OP, I think you should 100% focus on self care for the next 6 months. No men, no dating, no making yourself vulnerable. Wrap yourself in cotton wool and focus on loving yourself and your health.

I hope you're doing ok. I'll just say that you only have one life. You are desperately unhappy and that's not going to change if you leave everything as it is.

OP it’s time to put yourself first. you can tell your children:

After 6 years of therapy, as a result of which there was a ND diagnosis (state name of diagnosis and it is hereditary so kids please feel free to get assessed), I have decided to follow the therapists guidance which is to separate to protect my mental health and to avoid any further irreparable unhappy dynamics between Dad and I. The therapist has advised that this is the best option for both of us and the therapist has terminated the therapy sessions on that basis.

There has been certain health shocks that dad and I navigated together, which are now all clear. Please respect our health privacy at this time, perhaps in future we can discuss, but the preference currently is to put those concerns behind us. There is no further treatment necessary as that health scare is no longer an issue and rest assured dad and I are physically healthy. I hope you understand that some of these life roadbumps have taken a toll on my coping skills and I now need to focus on my physical and mental health. We will try to navigate this time as reasonably and sensitively as possible. Please know this decision has not been taken lightly and I want to move forward with love and compassion for the family. __

Your children deserve to know and to be treated with respect as well .

(thank you all so much for sharing your insights , I ve learned so much from this thread. )

@Marriumph so are you in a nd/nt relationship or have you ever been?

Free yourself!

I wish you all the best OP.

I have a person like this is my life - and I believe that sometimes it does not really matter why they act the way they do, is it autism, trauma, personality or all of the above. If they hurt you and do not want to or do not see a reason to change - you leave.

However, it is also a fact that the diagnosis developed isn't always correct, that many other conditions can look like autism. - I agree, see: FAS for an example.

but believing they always get it right is your opinion. - I haven't said they always get it right. I explained what the diagnostic process looks for, and one of those things is to rule out any other possible cause. Nowhere in my post did I state that they always get it right.

I have however disputed with the poster that everyone is not on the spectrum. - this is factual. You can only be on the autism spectrum if you're autistic.

I also disagreed with that poster as they claimed that a range of normal behaviour is now being diagnosed as autism. Barring a margin of error which is expected within any diagnostic process, the behaviours that they look for in autism are categorised within the triad of impairments. Behaviours may appear to be normal, but may be a-typical in frequency and intensity and the only reason we would perceive them as normal is because we have a better understanding of how autism can present.