Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

She doesn't see that neglect and withholding of love is abuse or that silence from DH in terms of discussing a way forward is cruel and manipulative.

I am very careful not to drag my young adult dc into things. In spite of what stbex has done - attempted to manipulate her into believing he is the victim. I think she has finally realised that there is no smoke without fire so to speak and that there are things that I'm not saying.

I think the thing is op, you can't get dragged into things. You won't know all the answers - when you get to the root of things you are very unhappy (as am I) and I need to act to change things. He blames everyone else. I have now seen this as his problem and nothing to do with me anymore. I can't wait to be away from him and that is now my goal.

I don’t think there’s any need to discuss marriage problems with the children.

But - I don’t think they all need to know about DH’s ASD diagnosis and he doesn’t have the right to veto that. That’s fundamental to understanding and relating to their father.

Once your DD understands that she may understand that the relationship was harder for you than it appeared.

reminds me of good friend who dislikes her mum….
Her dad, long term mistress 1/2 his age, undeclared child with her. Employed her & left business to mistress upon his death. Neglectful, selfish dhitty dad. 100% yet, daughter idolized him.

Treated the mum like a doormat, used to invite mistress and child to their pool on weekend. Mistress always lurking about pretending to be the loyal employee. The mum bringing her a cool drink, soft towels.

Daughters perspective is mum drove dad to it. She blamed her mum for the affair.

OP good news, your DD has indicated that all the DC are on board with the concept of divorce. This is very positive.
They are not going to take sides and nor should they. They will have witnessed your visible outbursts but will have less insight into the "why" it played out like that.
I'd pull back from discussing it with DC now. Tell them that you're sorry it's come to this point, that you tried your best but something has to change and that you love them and you know DH loves them too. That you and DH have had to deal with a lot recently, and one day DH may want to share some of that with them. But nevertheless you'll try your best to continue to have a positive relationship in the future.
Leave it at that. Moan at your friends. Moan at us. But don't drag your kids into it. If they ask, be neutral but factual. I can't remember if they know about the diagnosis but I think that at least should be communicated

So in her head I'm the main villain. That also matches with me being the "bad cop" parent too so she believes it. DH's victimhood has clearly worked with the kids.

I am the villain who plagued her dad, and broke up her family and took away her family home and her animals.

That isn’t what she said, though, is it? That’s how you’ve chosen to interpret it.

She doesn't see that neglect and withholding of love is abuse or that silence from DH in terms of discussing a way forward is cruel and manipulative. I’m guessing she didn’t say that, either.

She says she has witnessed our toxic conflict for years and it's boring and unbearable and divorce would be a relief for all the kids. appears to be what she actually said. Listen. Believe her.

Tbh, OP, if I were your daughter, I’d be a bit fed up with both of you. The situation sounds exhausting and toxic, and I’d be pissed off you (both) hadn’t ended things sooner, so I could have a less fucked up childhood. As a woman, I’d be particularly pissed off with you for just enduring so much shit for so long. And I wouldn’t want to hear the ins and outs of it, either. This is the relationship that you chose. It’s got nothing to do with her.

I think most of us prefer to think well of our parents. It sounds like there was fault on both sides relationship wise but yours was more visible to your DC than the things your Ex was doing. Obviously that's not fair on you.

Are there other people outside the family who might be more willing to listen to your side and appreciate the nuance here?

@EuclidianGeometryFan I would, and have, described such things as boring and unbearable and I am very much neurotypical.

How old is your daughter? I think it’s very common for young people (and I mean adults) to not really appreciate the more nuanced types of abuse. I certainly didn’t in my 20’s.

have you told her about the autism? She needs to know. Then perhaps show her this thread. She doesn’t need to avoid the facts to stay neutral. You can still love both parents and accept their role in a marriage break up.

Get out for your own peace of mind. Don't second guess what he will say or do, you can't control that or the children's behaviour. Move out and be happy.

You say your DD is NT - has she been tested, by an expert in female presentation of ASD?
If not, it is very possible that she does have ASD, but is good at masking.

"Boring and unbearable" would be an ASD response to exposure to other people's rages and arguments.

I agree. Having been in an NT/ND relationship, I wish I’d known what I was letting myself in for.

Take away the NT/ND and we were actually quite compatible. That’s why we got together in the first place.

what I wasn’t prepared for was the lack of care or empathy from my partner when the first flush of romance happened.

and constantly being someone’s life support machine.

it’s possible that if my ex had realised this and addressed it, we may have lasted.

Hmm I don't think it is particularly fair to discuss this stuff with your children tbh. They've been exposed to too much. They can't be objective or unbiased. It's not necessarily because he has manipulated him, but rather because he is their father and they dont want to keep being dragged into it. Children should never be put in the position to have to pick sides or support adults.

Is the non reply and waiting for instruction typical autistic behaviour
No, not necessarily typical autistic behaviour. The non-reply might be a 'freeze' response. Or it may be that he does not see that there is anything to say to you.
He is waiting for instruction as that is the pattern you and he have.

His mind might be going over the possibilities: if she does X, then Y follows and Z, or if she does ABC then DEF follows, or the outcome will be PQR.
It is like an algebra problem. There are a limited number of outcomes to this situation. He is waiting to see what you will do.

due to alexithymia
maybe. Or it may be that he does not see how emotions are relevant to this situation. There are decisions for you to make, and certain outcomes and actions will follow.

or is the refusal to discuss or be curious up narcissistic self defense ?
the refusal to discuss may be self-defence; he wants to avoid conflict. The lack of curiosity may be that he has already worked out all the likely outcomes and subsequent chains of events (and is awaiting your move).
He is not curious about your emotions or your process as that is part of the ASD.

Is he just getting me to end it
He probably does not want it to end. But he can do nothing to stop it ending.

so he can portray himself as victim ( eg manipulation)
He genuinely feels like a victim. Many ASD people just hate emotional 'scenes', conflict, shouting, tears, etc. He feels like the victim of your emotions. He feels that you have been emotionally abusing him for years.

Deliberate manipulation is unlikely, but it is not entirely impossible, as he has studied you for decades so can likely predict your responses. But unless there is a clear motivation, a definite goal and a plan and a gain for him, he won't be manipulating you 'just for fun' like a psychopath.

When I am happy he just takes and gives nothing and when I'm sad or angry he gives nothing and when I finally leave he gives nothing.

When you say "gives nothing", do you specifically mean "gives a show of genuine emotion and engages in the process of relationship". If so, yes, he gives nothing because he has nothing to give, and doesn't understand why it is needed. He is blind to the fact that he "gives nothing".

Why would he want to talk about emotions and how you feel (or how anyone feels)? It is just not interesting. Unless 'human psychology' is a special interest for an ASD person, it takes an effort to get involved. There are other more interesting things to think about.

He does 'give' in other ways, e.g. by ferrying the children around or providing for the family materially.

I am not saying that he is thinking any of this (none of us know) - just that this is an ASD way of thinking.

But as others have said here, the time for you analysing what is going on in his head is past.

@MyNextSteps As hard as it is, I think you’ve got to try not to involve your children in this, or need them to validate your experiences. They won’t share your perspective because they are the children in this dynamic, they only know him as a father not a husband, it puts them in an impossible position of having to choose alliances. It is always easiest to notice / blame the person who is more vocal and emotionally expressive, your husband is an avoider/withdrawer which means his behaviour is more covertly problematic. He is used to playing a victim role, but you can shift this by untangling yourself from this dynamic and therefore not taking the role of persecutor. Your children will see things and understand in their own time, I think the best course of action is to protect your relationship with them and not drag them into it all. I would stick to the main points and seek validation through your friends (and on here!). You can respect your daughters boundaries and still do what is best for you. Things will improve in time, you will be happier and your children will see this.

Your DC are still quite young @MyNextSteps and probably don't understand relationship dynamics very well. They aren't 'siding' with your DH, they just don't really know what to do with/about him, because he's so passive. Their relationship with him is not your relationship with him.

I think your relationship with your DC will improve when you're happier i.e. when you've bought your own home and are living a life separate to your useless DH. I can imagine - in a year's time - them visiting you and everyone enjoying each other's company.

She may see more in time. As hard as it is, if your life with your H is intolerable then you need to look after yourself and change it. It’s not your dd’s life and so while she may have an opinion, it’s only that. It isn’t the truth. And moreover, it isn’t up to her to decide what you have to tolerate. The only person who can make that choice is you.

As others have rightfully pointed out, I will also remind you that people can be ND and complete and utter arseholes. He sounds like he ticks both boxes.

He said he was "devastated", I think that expresses a huge amount of emotional response to your absence. I know it's not an essay length response, or detailed in any way, its not instructive or even questioning, but it is very clear.

Is it possible that you have decided nothing he does is going to be the right response, because you've simply crossed that tolerance threshold and are living on the other side of it? If this is the case I wouldn't bother asking about his responses here, I would just leave.

I completely agree. The analysis just causes paralysis and takes you nowhere! After so many years together though it's hard to close the chapter as you want answers. But in the end, I'm not sure there are any with these sorts of relationships. Certainly not early on. It's only with hindsight one starts to see more clearly and by then, decisions have already been made!

I agree with @ForZanyAquaViewer . Don’t waste your energy trying to analyze him. The bare facts are that you’re miserable on this relationship and have been for several years. Focus on freeing yourself from it. 💐

Thanks for your reply @PlopSofa :)

Don't worry, I'm not offended, just didn't think it was factual that all ND poeple think the same way - find it hard to keep quiet when I think stuff is wrong, probably due to my ADHD brain

Also, I probably should have made it clearer the bit from "At the end of the day though, does it really matter why?" is aimed at the OP really. I think we can drive ourselves round the bend trying to work out why partners behalve terribly, but actually that can be a monumental waste of time, when what we should be doing in planning our exit.

I do know all this being ND myself. Just using same language as OP for simplicity. Sorry if you were offended.

Undiagnosed ADD myself and utterly stifled by routines at times. Find myself climbing the walls with ASD DH who adores his routines but actually can cope very well outside of them but just has a tendency to systemise everything which while good in some ways makes life feel very boring at times.

I’ve read all your updates and the thing that stands out to me is that he is not capable of communicating. Actually I think is isn’t capable of doing anything but for himself. Whether that is due to his ND or personality or choice is largely irrelevant because he can’t change.

It’s also the love of the drama and using you to express his emotions that is totally unacceptable.

having given so much of your life to this man you should very much consider spreading your wings and living your life for you.

maybe talk to your daughter and no matter what your husbands wishes have a full and Frank conversation with your adult children.

Please don't lump all ND people under one banner!

I have ADHD and am not into routine and sameness at all. Autistic people often do like routine, but some more than others and you can't just assume the same for all autistic people - nor that this is the specific reason for the OP's husband's response.

"These people" FFS. You make us sound like animals at a zoo!

I have no doubt the OP's husbands response is related to his neurodiversity, but ND people - just like all people - are complex human beings with personalities and you can't just lump us all in together and make up simple reasons for our behaviour.

His behaviour might be to do with lacking empathy and an understanding of what's expected in this situation, together with being totally self centred, and nothing to do with routine, for example. Or any of a zillion other reasons.

At the end of the day though, does it really matter why? The more important thing is he is treating the OP like this and is very unlikely to change. Trying to figure out his thought processes is a red herring IMO.

I totally understand the need to understand, but it can divert your time and energy that you could better spend working out next steps.