Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

He isn't a normal DH so stop having the expectations of him of a normal DH.

Start planning for divorce and splitting of assets and move on with your life.

I agree that you should confide in your family and friends about the true situation, you shouldn't have to pretend and they can support you.

It's heartbreaking, but you need to stop trying to make him change, you'll drive yourself mad.

DS is torn and I think all you can do right now is sort out the split /divorce and extract yourself from the marriage.
DS won't be happy to accept this short term but longer term will come round.
You just need to move forward. I'm sorry OP this is so hard

You’re wasting energy. This is all exhausting to read. He cannot and will not meet your expectations. Stop trying to get him to do and just initiate the divorce. Stop trying to analyse him. It is nonsense and makes no difference to the outcome.

He's got me and DCs keeping all his secrets for him, keeping his mask up that he's a regular sort of guy

And I can't tell my friends as he's got me to mask in front of them too.

You’re still being controlled by him. The marriage is over ergo so are his demands. You are no longer his coping mechanism or his mask.

No more secrets within the family and without. You call tell friends and family you’re divorcing as you have always found is recently confirmed ASD very challenging and you can’t cope any more.

Once you have left you can demand that your children respect you or they are not welcome. Start now. You don’t need your dh to stand up for you. Tell them directly not to be disrespectful.

You need to talk to your friends and own family now op. You can not carry this alone. They can offer love, support and assistance.

You can not single handedly change any of this, he will continue to revel in his victim hood now and blame you for the marital breakdown and your ‘unreasonable’ demands on him. It’s all lined up so he can get attention, sympathy and manages to free himself of all responsibility.

Get some real life support.
If you don’t file for divorce this will never end, it will go on and on.
The longer you put off the inevitable things will continue to spiral.

I am so sorry op.

The mistake you are making is hoping that with a sharp attack: screaming or leaving or threatening that you can move your dh to action—towards you rather than into retreat. YOU CANNOT. He simply isn’t built that way. Be doesn’t have the nous, or the empathic imagination, or the ambition, to engage and negotiate. He is barely functioning at a teenage level, perhaps not even at a toddler level. He wants mommy/servant to take care of his needs and he will hide if she is “mad” at him until she stops. He has no theory of your mind. Your motivations and goals are mysterious and annoying to him.

Stop asking why he is this way. He.just.is.

Untangling yourself is going to be, oddly, like coming to terms with a runaway husband. He isn’t leaving—you are—but you must first accept that he has abandoned you emotionally and prioritized himself and his toys and his wants over you for years. He betrayed you even while living in the same house. Even though not with another woman.

That betrayal hurts—but you have to accept it as reality and move on.

I know you were hoping he'd change, but sadly, he's not going to.

Now you need to stop trying to fix your relationship and concentrate on your own future. Don't fret about his lack of plans, he needs to make his own decisions, and you need to make yours. I know this is a completely different way of thinking after 30 years, but that's the best way for you to move forward.

Your DH is a great example of learned helplessness OP, and you have great insights - yet you continue to enable his behaviour by returning home, cooking dinner and expecting him to be different. He won’t be. You are just smashing your head against a brick wall here, and any analysis will just further exhaust you. You need to drop the rope, gather your dignity and plan for the next phase of your life. You will have such peace without continually having to second guess someone and beg for empathy.

I have to agree with this. Its quite right.

Well, no one can say you have not tried, OP. I do think it is time to do something different now. Is there space to set up the house with separate living and bedrooms? So he can be in a separate part? He could even have a kettle, microwave, mini fridge so you dont have to see him. Then you could be in your house and keep up with the animals. For a lot of people I know, divorce means leaving their dream house and would be really really difficult. If that is not tolerable, then it seems like a clean break and selling up is the only way.

I would speak to unhelpful DS though. Tell him about DF diagnosis, and that he has witnessed some things he would not be able to understand, given that. Tell him you are sorry about how that has affected him. But leave it there.

Good luck, and I am sorry.

You just seem to be going over the same stuff over and over: why why why why is he like this and how how how how can I change it???? And repeating over and over how his behaviour hurts you.

If this has been going on for years and you've told him over and over why you're unhappy and what needs to change and nothing changes, you really need to accept that nothing's going to change, and he couldn't care less how he's hurting you, and if you want anything to change, you're going to have to be the one to change it. You've got to stop the obsessing over why he does what he does and start thinking about what YOU are going to do. Make a plan and start carrying it out.

I know what you want. You want him to acknowledge the pain he's put you through. You want him to acknowledge his wrongs. You want him to act like he gives a crap about you. These are all very reasonable things to want. But it's not going to happen. Make a plan.

I think that this post closes after 7 days do no-one can post, not sure as haven't posted before.

You're in AIBU so the thread will close when it's full at 1000 posts. If you want to you can always start another one, if you feel the support and advice is helping (possibly in Relationships as there is a wealth of practical advice in there)

So you can have as much help as you need.

So sorry the reunion was a shit show. You have to accept it is not salvageable. It is not an option to play happy families anymore.

Now that you have the house to yourself, gather up the paperwork and see your lawyers about dividing the assets. Everyone is waiting for closure. The impetus will not come from your dh so this will be your last task for the family to secure your peace of mind.

So sad it has come to this. Your dcs will come round eventually. Let them go and speak to them about future arrangements without your dh there so that he does not get the change to load the atmosphere. One thing is don't ask them whether they approve or what they want you to do. It is your decision. Just inform them and let it settle.

Agree with PP, for the vast majority of people you can only expect more of the same behaviour. He won't change.

All your analysis of him sounds spot on OP.

So that begs the question….why did you agree to go back?
You know in your head he can’t give you what you want. Not even for one Sunday lunch. But in your heart you aren’t accepting what you know to be true in your head.

Don’t waste your time and energy wallowing in the justifiable resentment you feel from his every action and word. Going back for more of the infuriating same old same old. It’s futile. It sets you back. It adds trauma to the boys.
Instead, avoid any more of his actions and words. He hasn’t changed, he won’t change. You don’t need any more examples. We believe you. Stay away from him now. Right away.

Your next tasks are to decide where you want to be. At home but without him. Or elsewhere.
Start the divorce.
Trust that doing these two things are a step towards eventual happiness.
Only move forwards away from him from now on.

So, end the cycle. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get the same results you’ve always got. You’re tired. Your kids are tired.

You’re going round and round about what he should be doing, what he’s not doing, what he’s incapable of. This will achieve exactly nothing. So, just stop. Stop it.

You are not wrong.
He doesn't care and hasn't probably ever.
You are a white appliance and you rightly acknowledge your poor children have seen it all.

End it now.
Accept its over and move forward with a divorce.

You deserve better than him.
Give yourself the chance of a happier future.
Do NOTHING further for him in the house or kitchen.

OP, what are you expecting.
You walked straight back into skivvy mode and were treated thus?

Your toxic marriage to this nasty abusive man is over.

Get legal advice and put your house on the market.

Stop expecting anything to be different.
Your children are damaged enough from this selfish manipulative man and your toxic marriage.

Its over. Start dealing on managing a divorce.

You really need to walk away from this, for the sake of your sanity and your relationship with your children.

He won’t give you what you need.

Seek therapy too.

Really sorry to say that it is over. Try and apply some of the: Don't complain. Don't explain. They all know as much as they want to know.
The stronger and more confident you are in the immediate future the more you can be a parent to your adult DCs later.

Divorce and selling the property is next surely. Life's too short to feel miserable.