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Original poster

Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

636 replies

MyNextSteps · 15/01/2025 23:34

This is my first Mumsnet post so I'm sorry but this will be a long rant. But I have really lost my way and would appreciate everyone's thoughts.

My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been married for 25 years and have 5 kids who are late teens/20s.

The marriage has always had something "not quite right", something missing which I couldn't explain. DH didn't have many girlfriends I thought he was just shy. Once married I always felt he was avoidant, pulling away, preoccupied, unavailable, never initiated sex. If I ever tried to raise it, even gently, he was irritable and defensive, saying my "constant criticism and oversensitivity" was the problem and then he'd try to run away or hang up the phone or get busy or fall asleep or get one of the kids to interrupt us to shut me down. He is also very interested in facts not feelings and tends to disconnect from conversations once he's satisfied himself of the facts.

Eventually I dragged DH to therapy wondering if he was a covert narcissist but this year he's been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (Aspergers) which explains everything. I feel I'm in a nightmare as our story started out as a fairytale with our beautiful kids but now I'm acceptingw nothing will change with DH.

We both had good careers but I stayed at home to raise the kids. He worked hard to provide for us all but had a long commute. We moved out to the coast and bought a rambling old house with land, did it up and we have a small holding with animals. DH seemed to avoid intimacy but I didn't question it as he was tired and working so hard and so was I. He never took me out in the evening or hired a babysitter or took me away for a few nights. We only ever went away with the kids but I was so in the tunnel of parenthood and we didn't have much money to spare so I didn't really stop to question it.

Gradually the kids grew up and then DH stopped work and I thought we would spend more time together but I gradually realized he wasn't interested. Once he stopped work and was around 24/7 and the kids were grown up, it dawned on me that he was just making excuses to avoid time with me and avoid intimacy.

We did years of marriage therapy but he could neither express his feelings at all (alexithymia) or understand mine. He just cannot hear me - all he can hear is that he's being criticized and then he becomes a professional victim. I have given him a million chances to sort himself out, so many times we have fought and he always comes back, says sorry but nothing changes. Our therapist said he wouldn't change and to leave him as he wasn't able or interested in meeting my needs.

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.

So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Every time the whole family gets together which is now only about twice a year I work hard to cook food and make it nice but either my husband or one of the ND kids has a meltdown or shutdown which ruins the occasion and the family doesn't speak for months, I am beginning to dread get togethers.

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days. If I ask him to do something he'll do it eventually but then says I'm bossy and that he feels "controlled" and then makes sure the kids know it.

Some of our kids have various neurodiverse traits/issues and DH and I clashed seriously about how to raise them because as a ND himself his first instinct was to deny their problems and help them to mask whereas I as an NT wanted to get them diagnosed and get them help. DH also insisted that we don't mention anyone's diagnosis in the family (shame) so when several of the kids have huge meltdowns we are not allowed to address it with the other kids and I can see that they feel guilty and responsible when it's not their fault.

Things have come to a head in the last few months. DH was being assessed for suspected cancer. He wasn't able to process many feelings about that beyond being sure he didn't want the kids to know. I did all the worrying and supporting whilst he looked blank and numb all through Christmas. Finally this week he got the "all clear", he did express some relief but I was hugely emotional after the hospital.

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I was still emotional from the hospital so after she'd put the phone down I was angry with DH that he hadn't passed on the message. He denied this so we started to argue. DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy (he didn't know about the hospital or cancer scare at all so didn't know why I was so emotional). I said to DH "tell him to stop" but DH said "why should he stop abusing you when you abuse me ?" (professional victim).

In that moment after 25 years something snapped in me. I did something I've never done before. I calmly put together a small bag of clothes and walked out. I drove off and checked into a local B&B where I am sitting now with no idea about my next move.

DH has brought me to my knees. It's not what he does, it's what he DOESN'T do, he's just absent from our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want to have a relationship with me either. He just wants a housekeeper/secretary/organizer/mother not a wife. I want to leave him but then I break up the family, we lose our lovely home and I get blamed for that by him and the kids, I lose my smallholding and animals and will have to give up my dream part time job that I have taken up in the last few years too, so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently.

I rang DH from the B&B to discuss the issues. He said "all you do is criticize me, I'm a victim" and hung up. He didn't want to discuss the issues because he can't summarize or express his feelings. He says he can't change and I am persecuting him to do things he can't do. He then said by the way if I was moving out then he'd sell our home and small holding because he wasn't interested in it anyway he only bought it for me (first I heard about that, he was the one that insisted we buy it when I wanted to stay in the city !). I went back briefly to our home to collect clothes etc and he was just lying flat on the sofa staring into space, washing left in the machine overnight, last night's dinner still on the table untouched, curtains not drawn, animals not fed, plants not watered, post not opened etc.

AIBU to leave and break up the family and sell our family home and smallholding and rehome the animals ? Or am I overreacting and should I accept he can't change, stop asking him to and just suck it up for the sake of the family ? DH is not a bad person, we have a lot in common with our joint kids, life and animals. He worked hard to support us all, he's never been unfaithful or had addictions or been abusive (contrast I've been a drunk and screaming harridan more than once when pushed beyond human limits by rigid and goading ND family members). I am also nearly 60 and have let myself go with all the stress. Dating now fills me with horror, what are my chances anyway and my friends are having horror stories on Bumble.... I would also have to go back to full time work at 60 to support myself and the children would be hostile to a new partner as they feel responsible for their victim dad. But he is not my husband or lover and he's more friends with the kids than a father to them. He is a professional victim and he has no capacity for a marriage or partnership with me. I would be happy to live alone but I keep having the sad thought that I don't want to get to the end of my life without having experienced a true and loving partnership.

If I could find a way to stay with DH I would but I have tried to compromise a million times. I don't want to have an affair either but it seems that if I stay I would have to completely deny my own needs for love, support, intimacy, boundaries, joint parenting, joy etc and life is too short for that. Advice please.

OP posts:
Bubblebuttress · 16/01/2025 05:53

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/01/2025 05:20

Unfortunately you cannot force your husband to share his diagnosis.

It is worth remembering Neurodiversity and personality disorder run along similar lines - it is possible to be neurodiverse and have a personality disorder.

Right now, you're in an un-winnable position. You leave, the kids and husband will blame you. You stay, you are at serious risk of physical and further emotional harm.

But, it does sound like things have reached a point where you can no longer stay. As hard as the change is going to be, there is no harm but only benefit to yourself by leaving. You will no longer be walking on eggshells, expecting Dh to give you something that he cannot, where becasue he is neurodivergent or because he is an arse. Nd and arsehole behaviours are not mutually exclusive.

this pp is correct

Your ND kids can also inherit personality traits of narcissism. Some of your kids might be NT?

Time to LEAVE. You have been his mother, not a wife,

Bettyfromlondon · 16/01/2025 05:45

Well done for asserting yourself and removing yourself from this toxic set-up even if it has to be short-lived for practical reasons.

Do you have other people to support you emotionally? Siblings? Friends?

@YourHappyJadeEagle has given a very useful list to get you started. The totality of your situation may seem overwhelming at first but with an ice-cold head and a steady step-by-step approach you can reinvent your life and have a much happier future.

CallItLoneliness · 16/01/2025 05:37

bubblesbluesky · 16/01/2025 04:13

OP you’re suffering with Cassandra syndrome. People here will say it’s nothing to do with autism and that he’s just a “shitty” person but this is what a ND/NT marriage looks like. The avoidance, defensiveness, victimhood, lack of connection, zero emotional support or reciprocity, minimal surface level conversation, zero intimacy, poor parenting with no boundaries and a type of loneliness only those who are on the receiving on of a ND husband can understand. I’m not as far in as you as we’ve only been married for 5 years (both mid 30’’s) with two young children. Tbh I’m too tired and worn down to even think about leaving and too busy with the children to think about how soul crushingly lonely this “relationship” is but when I get a moment to myself to truly feel it, it makes me cry and scream inside. I planned to leave when my children are 10+ but I don’t know if co parenting with him would be worse than staying. And I see my relationship with my children and him ending up exactly the same. These relationships can only end in two ways you wither away to nothing by having to suppress yourself and your needs until the day you die or you leave. I think you’ve reached a beautiful but scary moment where you have finally had enough. Once you get there I don’t think there is much going back. The scary decision is often the right one. I’m sorry OP I do hope you find a love that you deserve and one day your children will see the truth.

Your experience is your experience, and is not universal. Suggesting it is universal is disablist and offensive.

k1233 · 16/01/2025 05:33

If I were you, I'd spend a couple of days or a week at the B&B. Just chill for a day or two. Then without thinking about consequences, if it's even possible, how it would work etc maybe using some post-it notes, jot down:

  • things you love to do
  • things you want to do
  • things that drag you down
  • things that are important to you
  • what would you like to do in lthe next five years
  • what makes you happy

Don't put a lot of thought into it, just churn out a large volume of ideas and feelings.

If you have your thoughts on post-it notes it's easy to move them around and start to prioritise. Start to find the ones that resonate most with you and that would be a life you'd love to live.

Then, work out what you need to do to get there. Some things eg own a palace, are not possible but others definitely are.

At home I'd start living as if I was single. Move into a spare room and start doing your own thing. If you like your house and animals, I wouldn't give them up (unless they don't fit in with your envisioned future). I wouldn't rush to divorce but I would no longer be held back by a husband who radiates indifference. I would no longer be arsed with anything he had to do or say, he'd never get a rise out of me again. Start living the life you want to live.

MaggieBsBoat · 16/01/2025 05:30

He cannot change because he is both autistic and sounds like he has a personality disorder. He is a deeply unpleasant man. It is possible to be ND and deeply unpleasant at the same time.
Leave. Initiate a divorce as soon as you can. OP you have one life. I promise you won‘t regret getting some of it back for yourself.
Also send a copy of this post to your sons one day. They need to know your side.

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/01/2025 05:23

And I would also recommend getting yourself some therapy to help you process the life you have lived. In the nicest possible way, and as. Neurodivergent adult myself, there is an element of acknowledging if you've been screeching at people like a harridan, as a coping/venting strategy, that also isn't helpful to any of you. And I say this nicely as someone who also gets enraged very easily and has to work hard not to let my frustrations at situations explode onto my partner and children.

TheAirfryerQueen · 16/01/2025 05:20

Pp have already put forward excellent advice OP, so I'll not add to that. I suspected my exH has ADHD with a healthy dose of manipulative behaviour and was just a bully, really. When he began bullying my daughter I said enough and split up with him. He was exhausting to live with, and I had to constantly tread on eggshells. Not the same situation as you in any way, but just saying, when I reached my limit, I realised I had to do it for my mental health.

I wish you all the best. Flowers

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/01/2025 05:20

Unfortunately you cannot force your husband to share his diagnosis.

It is worth remembering Neurodiversity and personality disorder run along similar lines - it is possible to be neurodiverse and have a personality disorder.

Right now, you're in an un-winnable position. You leave, the kids and husband will blame you. You stay, you are at serious risk of physical and further emotional harm.

But, it does sound like things have reached a point where you can no longer stay. As hard as the change is going to be, there is no harm but only benefit to yourself by leaving. You will no longer be walking on eggshells, expecting Dh to give you something that he cannot, where becasue he is neurodivergent or because he is an arse. Nd and arsehole behaviours are not mutually exclusive.

AliasGrace47 · 16/01/2025 05:20

MyNextSteps · 16/01/2025 00:44

Thank you everyone who has posted. I am literally sitting here in tears that so many people have cared to respond and support me. Thank you. I now am wondering whether it's unreasonable that DH is refusing to tell the DCs about his diagnoses and other truths ? He seems to love it when I'm screaming and triggered by his behavior but the children never see the flip side of WHY I'm like that sometimes....they don't know the reality which is:

  • he has just come out of a cancer scare
  • he has an autism diagnosis
  • he is a professional victim and manipulator
  • he doesn't pull his weight as the other parent
  • he has avoided emotional and sexual intimacy for over 15 years
  • he is skilled at avoiding and projecting shame, blame, guilt, responsibility

Op I can't write more now as I need to sleep. But just wanted to send a virtual 🫂. You sound incredibly strong. You deserve to be happy & not need to fight every day.

IdylicDay · 16/01/2025 05:17

YANBU but I wonder if he is severely depressed (maybe he doesn't even know it) along with the Autism? I think you need to leave him but it genuinely seems to me that there is something more than just Autism going on here. I think he could do with antidepressants and counselling.

LoudSnoringDog · 16/01/2025 05:17

This is abuse. He is a narcissist.

AttachmentFTW · 16/01/2025 05:08

I think the ND label is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. My husband also has high functioning autism and while he shares some of the traits you describe (preference for facts and abstraction over emotions and people) he is still a warm, kind, helpful, involved, affectionate, considerate person.

I'm not saying your husband isn't ND and I'm not saying all ND people are the same. I'm just saying people can be have emotional/relational difficulties that are caused by things other than being ND. I feel like he has been allowed to be like this for a very long time and sounds like he has been given a bit of a free pass because of the diagnosis. It's time to set yourself free and take back some control. You may feel you have a lot to lose, but potentially so much to gain.

fruitypancake · 16/01/2025 05:08

Sending love and strength OP- well done for making a stance , agree with others, leave him .
Have a read about 'the drama triangle' - interesting re victim/ perpetrator and kids in rescuer role . It can be stopped if you don't play the game . Have you got friends to support you ? X

Wildwalksinjanuary · 16/01/2025 05:01

He is highly manipulative, and abusing you. His ND might prevent him from being affectionate but that does not give him a green light to abuse you.

Leave and enjoy your life.
You can reset expectations with your kids, eventually. They will be angry but I would distant yourself until they can understand what is happening is abuse.

None of this is acceptable! Shoving you is assault. It’s not okay. At all and is being condoned and encouraged by your dh.

You will never win. This will never change, Stop fighting for change and walk away. It will be a huge relief.

Had the cancer results been different you could have been locked into this situation for years. Take your chance and run now.

isthismylifenow · 16/01/2025 04:54

Op now it's time to put you first. I am still aghast reading that your child assaulted you and he encouraged it! I cannot get my head around this part.

I think I would leave them all to it, if you can stay at the b&b for a month or so, just to get your head clear whilst away from the situation.

Then you make a decision on what you want to do going forward. But you have to step out of the situation to see the wood for the trees.

Just as an aside. Someone I know (an adult) recently got the same diagnosis as your h. I have had to step back from interacting with them, as they are using the diagnosis for every excuse for bad behaviour that they can. I just cannot bear it. Now I do have sympathy as I have a ND child myself, so am aware of the struggles. But I have also known this person many years and they didn't have an diagnosis nor an excuse for bad behaviour previously, they are like a different person now. I can see very clearly that they are not just ND, but also very abusive which has ramped up post diagnosis.

.As I said I've stepped back from them as I can see it so much more now that I have.

You do not need to decide today, right now. Posters may be encouraging you to do this. But something is going to have to change. You simply cannot go on like this.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 16/01/2025 04:53

I don't want to sound mean but you should have left a long time ago instead of dragging this out for years. Your children have grown up in this toxic environment which is so damaging and they are now all facing a lifetime of therapy to unpick their experiences and how it's shaped them into adults. Your son has assaulted you because of how he was raised. It's not just your husband's fault, this is a joint responsibility.

Now you are focusing on moving on for your own sake, rehoming your animals and starting a new relationship but you have 5 kids who are probably going to repeat these unhealthy patterns in their own lives.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 16/01/2025 04:50

RogueFemale · 16/01/2025 00:18

Your situation sounds intolerable and I completely understand why you left. You need love and joy in your life and 'DH' isn't it.

(I hate to say it, but I'm worried about the animals your husband may not be feeding now).

You need to seek legal advice ASAP, and it may be possible for you to maintain your home.

Agree with @RogueFemale

Break everything down into steps. Accept the marriage is over and prioritise:
Animal care
Legal advice
Sell/ rehome farm animals.
Sell property.
If you need somewhere separate to live is it possible to put a caravan on your land for a few months until sale complete?
Any chance your job can be full time?

You’re going to have a few very tough months as I think the majority of work will fall on you so make sure you have back up — friends, therapist if possible, family members who’ll support you. You’ll be in survival mode for the next few months.
It must feel overwhelming and an impossible task atm but in a few months you could have a calmer and more peaceful life.

lifesrichpageant · 16/01/2025 04:28

OP I am not in your situation but have supported a friend who was married to someone who sounds quite similar. She left him and they are both so much happier and better off. She found this book useful. I believe the couple in the book went on to divorce, but it might give you some insight into your DH if you decide to stay and work things out (although he doesn't seem to have much interest in/desire to change?)

www.amazon.ca/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749/ref=asc_df_1439189749/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=706730090076&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3263785725888207512&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9001560&hvtargid=pla-448828418150&psc=1&mcid=e9c37debe2b331fe8952203a8c157543&gad_source=1

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 16/01/2025 04:18

Asperger's is not a diagnosis anymore.

You need to leave or get him to leave regardless.

bubblesbluesky · 16/01/2025 04:13

OP you’re suffering with Cassandra syndrome. People here will say it’s nothing to do with autism and that he’s just a “shitty” person but this is what a ND/NT marriage looks like. The avoidance, defensiveness, victimhood, lack of connection, zero emotional support or reciprocity, minimal surface level conversation, zero intimacy, poor parenting with no boundaries and a type of loneliness only those who are on the receiving on of a ND husband can understand. I’m not as far in as you as we’ve only been married for 5 years (both mid 30’’s) with two young children. Tbh I’m too tired and worn down to even think about leaving and too busy with the children to think about how soul crushingly lonely this “relationship” is but when I get a moment to myself to truly feel it, it makes me cry and scream inside. I planned to leave when my children are 10+ but I don’t know if co parenting with him would be worse than staying. And I see my relationship with my children and him ending up exactly the same. These relationships can only end in two ways you wither away to nothing by having to suppress yourself and your needs until the day you die or you leave. I think you’ve reached a beautiful but scary moment where you have finally had enough. Once you get there I don’t think there is much going back. The scary decision is often the right one. I’m sorry OP I do hope you find a love that you deserve and one day your children will see the truth.

Gemmy96 · 16/01/2025 03:55

YANBU, but it has nothing to do with him being autistic-- it has to do with him being a prick.

DreamTheMoors · 16/01/2025 03:44

oakleaffy · 16/01/2025 02:32

Because OP said the animals were left unfed,{presume unwatered as well} this could quickly become a serious welfare issue, as the wanky self absorbed husband and adult kids couldn't be bothered to feed and water them.

{As she talks of selling the animals, I'm assuming large animals that one needs land for, as opposed to a more portable cat or a dog}

Show quote history

My apologies, @MyNextSteps— I meant the cats and the dogs and the parakeets, etc.
The rest of my good wishes remain.

HelenHywater · 16/01/2025 03:39

he sounds very like my ex and your children very like mine. My ex too never took me out, or treated me like he loved me. I was just a companion for him (although we did have sex).

I realised that I had to leave when I heard my son (also ASD) speaking to me like my ex. Now we have been apart for many years, (I left in my 40s), he is still playing the victim and the children still side with him against me. He's added taking him to the cleaners in the divorce (aka making him pay child maintenance) to my list of crimes.

And like @Wanttobefree2 said, my ex was really avoidant during the divorce process - (but in a way that suggested he was doing his best to derail it and add to my stress as much as he could, as well as to the legal costs).

I hope you have stayed away and haven't gone back tonight. I'm sure your H will continue to play the victim and you'll feel obliged to go back to sort it all out. As a pp says you do need to get yourself out of the victim/perpetrator/rescuer triangle. And yes both your H and your children are being abusive. I read Lundy Bancroft and it really resonated with me. Perhaps it will with you too.

(and dating in later life is ok!).

user1492757084 · 16/01/2025 03:39

Gather all your wits and valuables and go low contact with them all. Live separately (washing, cooking and cleaning up for yourselves) while you get your ducks in order to move out.
Can you afford to work full time after you divorce?
Can you put a deposit on a not so large block with a smaller house or caravan?

RainyWednesdayEveningNC · 16/01/2025 03:24

I hope you’re ok OP.

I left a very similar situation some years ago, HFA, PhD, super intelligent, emotionally unavailable XH.

It is much better out of the other side. I was also married to a man who victimised himself, bringing the kids into it. I was the cause of everything that was wrong in the world. My kids cut him out of their lives at 18, sad, but he was an unavailable, disinterested unless it was something that interested him, controlling and abusive father. Both my children ended up seeing a counsellor to help them get their heads around his behaviour.