Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days.

My gut reaction to this is he needs a job!

Late 50s is young to retire and even if you don't need the income there are other very valid reasons for working.

I'm just 70 and work for myself (part time.) I don't want to stop 'being me' because of my age.

I think you need to accept that whether he is neurodivergent or whatever label fits, you're not compatible.

Your marriage isn't working, is unlikely to, so you need to move on.

I can't see - truthfully- why you need to ask.
Not being unkind, but it's perfectly obvious this isn't right for either of you.

Yes there is a difference between lacking a theory of mind wrt other people, and being so self-centred that you dismiss other people’s feelings or needs and prioritise your own.

My dm left my df in her 50s and her pov was probably very similar to yours.

He is unknowingly Autistic too.

She's had a happier life post split. Has social groups. She bought a small flat in a not as nice area but it's how she wants it.

He's dysfunctional without someone doing everything for him. Lack of self care etc.

As their adult dc I can now see how hard their marriage must have been for her. (I didn't see it at the time, he played the victim!)

It's a sham if you stay.

It isn't a real marriage anyway.

The diagnosis is a red herring here, he’s behaving badly no matter what diagnosis he has.

You are on a hiding to nothing trying to get your DC to ‘see’ their real Dad. The best thing you can do is take the high road.

Separate , divorce and tell your DC you have grown apart and are unhappy together.

It’s a scary road but as another poster said staying with DH and DC who shout at you and get physical with you is scarier.

Your DC will soon see their real dad when you stop smoothing over things

Of course she can and it sounds like she absolutely should. It's a sad situation all round is all, there doesn't have to be a villain.

Since when is encouraging a man to be violent towards your wife, an autistic trait? He 100% CAN be blamed for that.

You've spent 25 years trying to change Dh into to something he physically and mentally cant be. He has spent 25 years avoiding accepting he is ND and finding ways to manage.

This isn't going to change, all you have mentioned in your OP is dressing, you're incompatible, its become toxic and it wont change. Your children have been affected by all parties sticking their head in the sand

Professionals who are actually qualified and competent to diagnose know that a.) you can't diagnose someone over the Internet based on a second-hand account and b.) "covert narcissist" isn't a psychiatric diagnosis that's used in clinical practice but a label that has been popularised through media culture. There ie no research-based evidence that NPD can be meaningfully divided into subtypes. I wince whenever I see threads going "My counsellor thinks DH has covert narcissism" because if that's true, then the counsellor is grossly misrepresenting their qualifications by suggesting to a client that they can diagnose anything at all.

People seem keen on these labels because medicalising abuse makes it easier to justify leaving, when in reality awful behaviour does not need to fit diagnostic criteria for someone to get out. They can also become a way for people to deflect from their own problematic behaviour. OP has said it's easy for her husband to paint her as the bad cop because the kids have seen her "drunk and screaming" (when goaded by him), but she did not mention the age at which the children started to witness this or how regular it's been. I doubt posters here would find it acceptable if her husband were to claim he was being driven to alcohol misuse by her and then screaming in front of children - that would just be more evidence that he's playing the victim - but once he's been labelled as a 'covert narcissist' it's his fault that the OP has done this. It sounds extremely unhealthy for everyone involved.

I am amazed you managed to stay with him
for so long and have 5 children. Time to think of yourself and move on.

No he has lots of his own feelings. What he cannot understand is that other people are having their own feelings, thoughts or experiences. That’s why he can’t react ‘normally’ in these situations. For him, there is a blank where his understanding of his wife’s experience should be.

Your children will see a new side to you if you break up. You will no longer be “mean, moany mum”

You will feel so free and guarantee you will be happier. While there may be some initial anger from them just be positive and move on.

It’s not ok that your son did that btw. Can you invite him out for a chat and explain about the other factors and how you felt? Tell him there is a lot he doesn’t know about his dad and you don’t want to get involved but please can he not blame you for everything and believe all his dad says?

Of course you can leave. Let the OPs life be an enormous warning to you to take action now.

Sorry there is no excuse for you screaming and you blaming him for “triggering” you sounds pretty manipulative. I’m not sure why you think you’ve got the higher moral ground in all this.

Sorry but you can not blame your husband for what he has. Exactly what your describing is exactly the autisms. He can't change it so yes he will absolutely feel your being critical when you should have looked up about his diagnosis and seen what it really is and does. It's your choice wether to work it out or not but how a person feels in this instance will not change. You can change tho, my hubby and my brother both have autisms in different ways. And we all know how to work around it or do things differently so they get it. Took time learning but now we have fun and mad days but no more bickering about why a person won't change when all we had to do was change how we did things

At it's most basic, neither of you is happy so what is there for either of you to stay for?

How many kids need housing?

Would any want to be with you?

Yanbu. I'd leave in your position.

You may find another relationship or may not, there aren't always great options as we get older (if you try daring you'll find out!). Perhaps consider whether you'd be happier being alone, then if you do find another decent relationship it's a bonus iyswim.

But she isn't his carer or his mum so can choose that's all too much.

You can be ND and and a arsehole. They aren't mutually exclusive.

You have done your time OP and you can be 100% certain he will never change and he can't change. Also he doesn't want to change

@CallItLonelinessEvery single time I read of a relationship like this (there are even support groups online with tens of thousands of women who are in ND marriages) it always shocks me how the very words and feelings expressed could have been written by myself. Each experience might be slightly different but all are similar for the same reasons. I know it’s offensive to say as autism is now sugar coated as a “super power” by well meaning parents but it certainly isn’t to those who married without knowing the true person or the life they was subjecting themselves to before the mask drops. It’s a life long brain disorder / developmental delay involving a lack of emotionally maturity and emotional capabilities that truly make ND/NT relationships incompatible. Unless the NT themselves are avoidant and do they need intimacy (emotional/physical) because of their own past traumas then unfortunately these marriages simply do not work and are deeply unfulfilling. There is no sugar coating the devastation these relationships bring and it’s gaslighting to assume otherwise unless you are on the receiving end.

Not just that he was encouraging it!

He must be devoid of feelings!

Only read the first page, but there are many posters here who do not understand autism. Some autistic traits ( that not all autistic people have) do present like narcissism but the person is not narcisstic. Your H has alexithymia. He simply cannot see or understand your perspective or experience ( hence it appears as if he has narcissism). You,as a person in your own right, with your own motivations and agency and experiences, simply does not exist to him. All he can experience is how what you are saying makes him feel. As that is all he is experiencing, it must be that you are intending to make him feel like that. Therefore, if it makes him feel bad, the only explanation is that you are attacking and victimizing him. The way his brain is wired means he experiences the world very, very differently from you, and, bluntly, he experiences it wrongly.

it is deeply destructive to the NT partner to live with someone with such an extreme lack of empathy and mindsight as OPs H has.

You woukd not be breaking up the family, it is already broken up

it sounds totally unliveable

you must have very strong finances to be able to afford your DH not working and just flashing about at home all day

so that should give you freedom

work on keeping a good relationship with your kids, whilst breaking free from DH

And agree that you should not move out before a) seeking legal advice or b) implementing it. The kind of person your partner is - capable of constructing fictitious narratives to suit him and turning your kids against you at whim - could easily manipulate the situation more to his advantage if you leave him in the house and move out.

So much of what you said resonated with me, OP. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong in my relationship either, but could almost recite your list word-for-word. (Except my ex couldn't hold down an employed job and used the silent treatment to punish me/disengage.) It's really hard to leave but, ultimately, I think it's better than the alternative. Life is hard enough without this type of extra burden. At least you'll be free of the manipulation once you're living on your own.

Whether to say anything to your children about your DH's diagnosis and health scare or not is tricky. On the one hand, I think people have a right to keep their medical information private but, on the other, knowing your DH is autistic may help them seek their own diagnosis/support.

I couldn't get past my spouse standing idly by while a man shoved me. Relationships are going to look different for different people but someone that does that is showing that they are not in a relationship or partnership with you.

I agree with this . He sounds a danger to women