Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

Please sort the animals out, it is clear he won’t. It is not fair on them.

leave. Leave. Id go no contact with the abusive kids. How dare they treat you like this. Ungrateful.

Emotional manipulation can absolutely be a part of autism, along with abusive behaviour. I would argue that ND people have a high susceptibility of displaying destructive, impulsive or abusive behaviour towards others because they have struggled their entire lives to fit into a society not really made for them.

People are highly complex and there are no blanket "rules" that apply across all of humanity. Many MH issues can also change over the years with one person fitting in several criteria. The most plausible theory which someone mentioned on MN is that untreated autism can often develop into narcissism. As a desperate way to have their needs met or cope with their various sensory issues, autistics start to display narcissistic behaviour to control the people and patterns around them. This easily involves emotional manipulation.

My mum displays every signs of covert narcissism yet at the same time I'm convinced she is also ND. Over the years, the whole family has learned to bend to her wishes otherwise she would have a major tantrum, meltdown or whatnot. Seeing it from an adult perspective, a lot of her manipulation were related to avoiding sensory triggers but which made no sense at the time.

OP you need to leave.

I am autistic. Yes it CAN be an explanation for a person's struggles but this situation with your husband is much more than that. Regardless of which bits he COULD try to work on and which he just will never be able to manage, this is unhealthy and toxic for you. Don't let his neurodivergence make you feel guilty, and keep you in this very unhealthy dynamic where you now have adult male children squaring up to you while he allows them to abuse you.

You could both live to be 100. I know you feel it's late in life to make big changes but when you think you could live to be 100 it's really not! My neighbour is 96, still lives in his own home, is out and about etc. Equally what if you only have 10 years left to really live?! To find peace and be less stressed and stretched, and to feel safe and comfortable emotionally.

I'd take some time away from home and go no or low contact with him AND the kids for a few weeks minimum. Leave them all to it. In the meantime get legal advice about the house and divorce. I'd also look into therapy that's just for you. I know in my town there are schemes where it is heavily subsidised costs wise for people on low incomes and it's trainees in their final year - I've used this therapy service in my area and it's been such a positive step for me to focus on myself for an hour a week and really dig into how I interact with people and my own wants and needs.

Workwise maybe you can keep you lovely part time job and find another small earner around it. It doesn't have to be a big thing that you will have to leave that job, I think your brain is just so overwhelmed it's all negative absolutes - no surprise considering what you are living with emotionally!

I divorced for a lot of similar reasons, and stil can't work out what my XH might be diagnosed with if he would care to go down a diagnosis route, but I have decided it's not any of my business.

You can control your own thoughts and behaviour. That's it. Not his. Not your DC.

so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently

Yes, you do. You have to if you want something different. You can't hang on to everything like it is, and simultaneously get the change you want. You've tried long and hard and it has worn you down and you deserve some peace.

See a solicitor, don't hang about. Decide which direction you want to go in. You've been doing what you need to do for the family for decades, you need now to reclaim this bit of your life for yourself. Deal with the practicalities, jump through the hoops as they appear and head towards peace.

@bubblesbluesky I’m not sure it’s fair to say that a NT/ND marriage could never work out, though it’s always going to be a potential point of strain on the marriage. I am (to my knowledge!) NT but I am a very empathetic and patient person and feel like I have a really good understanding of autism due to my job (I’m a GP). I am currently single following divorce after domestic abuse, and I do think at this point in my life I could potentially find a happy life with a partner with autism. Not to say that I would seek it out specifically, and I do understand the potential downsides, but I feel like I understand autism well enough not to expect that person to be something they are not and can never be. I would struggle with a total lack of intimacy though, but I’m not convinced that no person with ASD ever enjoys sex? Surely many autistic people are sensory-seeking (I appreciate that others are sensory-avoidant and can’t stand even to be hugged in which case I expect that may well be the case).

For example, my late aunt (definitely NT) was married to a man who I would be fairly sure has Asperger’s. He is a gentle soul, great with animals, hardworking, very kind to the kids, and treated my aunt so well in many ways. But just so utterly “hapless” to the point that when I was younger I used to wonder how she could live with it! The worst thing was when she was literally having a heart attack and needed his help and he just didn’t really get what was going on and drove her to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance wasting valuable time… but she never held it or anything else against him and truly loved him for who he was, even though she had to manage 99 percent of the practicalities of life for them both. His young adult child has had to move in with him after she died as he just would not cope on his own really.

Anyway, I think it CAN work but I do appreciate many people do not have the ability and patience to truly understand and love the person for who they are, especially when the practicalities of life and reading of social situations etc fall very heavily on the NT partner. It can be a heavy load to carry for sure.

It’s not totally clear what’s going on in OP’s situation, particularly given that she has admitted being drunk and screaming at him and the kids etc. on more than one occasion, and she does sound like she has long expected him to stop being autistic basically which must be frustrating for both of them, and is not realistic at all.

But having been a victim of domestic abuse, I do agree that the ?DARVO and recruiting the children fall into the domestic abuse “playbook”. And that encouraging the son to be physically violent towards her is a massive red flag regardless of the motivations behind that. This is a concerning and dangerous situation for OP and I think she is right to have got the hell out of there for the time being. It is very possible that he is both autistic and deliberately abusive as others have said.

At the same time I could accept that it’s not completely impossible that this attitude from the husband is in this case possibly largely down to a total misreading and misunderstanding of the social situation and social norms (as in it’s not ever acceptable for a man to hit a woman) because of the ASD, believing that she is abusive towards him
and therefore it’s totally fine to retaliate (or encourage his son to do so) in a tit for that way as that’s “fair” or something? Although in my experience a lot of autistic people once they have learned basic social “rules” (such as not hitting women) would actually go out of their way not to break them, and very much judge others negatively who step outside of those bounds rather than encourage it.

To be honest, in a way the underlying motivation for this sequence of events doesn’t really matter as much as the fact that it’s really problematic for OP, and is kind of academic at this point. OP is clearly super unhappy in the marriage and there are some really unhealthy and unhelpful dynamics going on in the family generally, including with the children if her adult sized son has been physically aggressive to her. It doesn’t sound great for any of the family right now. OP I definitely think you should leave (and definitely don’t have an affair! That will 100 percent not help the whole situation at all!). I know it’s hard striking out on your own, especially when you’re older, but there is a real peace in being able to do your own thing and have your own space after living in a chaotic stressful environment like you describe.

He IS being emotionally abusive - just look at the emotional abuse part of the 'power and control wheel'
Put aside the neurodiversity OP - what are you really getting out of this relationship?
I'd suggest you first talk to Women's Aid for advice, move back home if it's safe to do so, and start putting things in place to divorce him.
Yes, your life will change, but as he's either unwilling or incapable of understanding the impact on you and working together to mitigate that, then you only have a miserable future ahead.
I wouldn't focus on meeting someone else afterwards - build a new life around your work, interests and supportive friends old and new.

Amen to all this. Kind and sensible advice.

Better things are in your future OP. God knows, you deserve it.

For what it's worth, my mum was unexpectedly widowed at 62. She'd been with my dad since they met at university, and although she loved him completely, he had his own mental health issues and was often a tough guy to be with.
I think if you asked her honestly, 8 years on, she'd say that once over the shock and trauma of his passing, she's never been happier. She has an amazing social life, heaps of friends and loads more confidence than she ever used to have. She's living her best life wholeheartedly.

Just to address the whole no intimacy thing... I suspect he got married because that felt like the social norm of things to do. In my experience, ND people, especially high functioning ones are very keen on social norms, because it offers clear guidance.
But actually, he could be gay. Or, perhaps more likely, asexual. I know quite a number of high functioning autistic people who are asexual. Either they've discovered the term for themselves, or they've just genuinely no interest whatsoever in physical relationships.

I have only put yabu because he can’t make his nd go away. it’s how his brain is wired and he can’t change no matter how much you want him to. Yanbu to leave and I would encourage you to do so because you will spend the rest of your life unhappy if you stay with him.

Many autistic people cannot manage relationships, either romantic or friendships - but not because if being manipulative, uncaring and emotionally abusive, as is the case with OPs husband.

@Marriumph
he shouldn’t have married her if he didn’t find her sexually attractive. That’s on him.

Kindly OP, you had 5 children with the wrong man.
You have endured years of being a parent and support to 6 children.

Its over. Really over.
Tell him and start the process of divorce.
Do not go back and tell your children when they ask anything of you, to contact their father.

It sounds like you have been in a living hell and why you fought so hard to save this shit show is beyond me.

He is a deeply selfish person who happens to be ND.
Why you had 5 children with him is genuinely inexplicable.

Accept its over and make plans now to divorce.

@AnxiousRose

he allowed and encouraged his son to be violent to OP - shoving her

Lack of intimacy is not typical of ASD. DH is also on the spectrum and out marriage is virtually identical to what you describe except he does very much initiate and enjoy intimacy. However a significantly higher percentage of ND people tend to have fluid gender identities (gay, trans, asexual) so I agree with a PP who suggested that might be an issue here. Unfortunately even if it is, it's not going to significantly change the situation.

Aside from the intimacy issue, DH behaves and reacts exactly the same as your husband. It's absolutely down to what he doesn't do, and not what he does. In all 6 years of having a child, he hasn't gotten up once in the night (except once). Neither taken any time off work or cut a day shorter if one or both of us were ill. I've had days where I physically could not move due to pain yet still did the school runs and took care of DD because he refused to miss any work. I've done every single night waking since birth including all the newborn ones which almost drove me to insanity. He could see me having a mental breakdown but he just didn't care or it literally didn't affect him on an emphathetic level.

I've often thought of separation as well but realised it won't make any difference to how he perceives it anyway. He has no realisation that what he's doing as a the result of his autism is wrong and just like your husband, genuinely believes he is a professional victim. He hates being criticised and every time I try to bring up a genuine point it gets DARVO'd into something else. His tactic is to do everything just once so he can use that as a counter argument. So going by the previous example, in all 6 years he did get up one single night to change the sheets when DD wet the bed during potty training years. If I try to use the "not getting up at night" as an argument, he immediately shoots me down with that one single example. Same for any housework. He makes sure he empties the dishwasher or cooks a meal once in 3-6 months. So if I get frazzled from doing 3 meals a day alone and start to complain, he brings up the one single meal he cooked 4 months ago to shut me up.

In the end it's just exhausting because you're trying to get a point across in hopes someone will change but they never will. However I do believe on some level they are not maliciously trying to harm you, it's just how their brains are wired.

His lack of interest in sex, other than to create your children is concerning.

He could be Asexual or have low libido or just doesn't really care for sex or doesn't find OP sexually attractive (enough to initiate). It doesn't have to be gay.

I think they are both at fault here as I said.
I think the OP is being abusive here. She has been told by the psychologist/counsellor that her husband cannot change. His behaviour is due to his autism. She admitted her husband has told her this many times. Yet she continually argues with him and belittles him for something he cannot change.
Her children have noticed this and are angry with her about it.
I think because autism is am invisible disability people think that those with autism should just get over it and change.
Imagine if the OPs husband was physically disabled and could not walk but the OP shouted at him every day for not walking.

If you're going to get the blame no matter what, you may as well leave as you're going to get the fall out no matter what.
My DH and one of my dc are diagnosed the same as your husband and let me tell you now they wouldn't behave in the ways you've described, so this isn't all about autism and him being unable to help it.
Save yourself op x

OP, as someone from a fully neurodiverse family, YANBU. Neurodivergence is no excuse for being a twat. Divorce and let the kids deal with him, they’ll soon see and understand why you’ve been the way you’ve been

Life's too short OP, file for divorce, go low contact with them all for a little while while you get your thoughts etc together.
You might find somewhere where you can keep your animals, fingers crossed, but ultimately that shouldn't be the thing that stops you moving to a happier future. All the best OP.

I’m also confused by the diagnosis itself as HF Autism Level 1 Asperger’s is not a current diagnosis

perhaps it depends on where you live - not every country in the world feels the need to keep up with terminology everytime it’s changed.

I’m 66 and left my then 34 year old marriage 12 years ago because I realised I’d lived more of my life than I had left and I deserved peace of mind and heart. My husband never had an official diagnosis of autism but I’m sure he is and it just got to the stage I couldn’t live it anymore. He’s highly successful in life and that clouded my vision quite a bit but once I had seperated from him my vision cleared and so much more became obvious.

12 years later we are still married and we will never divorce but we don’t live together/see each other/ or have much contact from one year to the next.

I still love my husband and I’m sure the feeling is mutual but after decades of life together it just became too much.

I’m also confused by the diagnosis itself as HF Autism Level 1 Asperger’s is not a current diagnosis.

OP, you are not breaking up anything. The marriage and the relationships are broken already. Repair your part of this. Don't try and mend them.
Get the money under your control even if it means a new account. Please do this as a matter of urgency.
Remove your clothes and belongings, they will start clearing the house soon. Any sentimental items like photographs will be seen as fair game to take or destroy. (there was a post on a break-up thread where this happened in about 24 hours.
Look after yourself as priority.

Tell them. He’s not your boss. Tell them what you like. He is emotionally abusing you.

An adult or older child getting physical is extremely worrying for their future. Your husband should have shut that down asap. I’d sell the house and use the money to start afresh.

It is a shame you seem to conflating neurodivergence with abuse. It is doing a huge disservice to those with ND to suggest that they have no control over themselves and can not help but be abusive. Of course there are millions that operate in all kinds of relationships respectfully and successfully. The combination of ND and NPD is extremely difficult, and will be impossible for most people to overcome. Emotional manipulation is not a trait of autism.

Sounds like there is a you, a him but not an 'us' that works for you. That sucks. But maybe it's a recognition that you have tried, it doesn't work, so move on...