Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

I’m hearing a lot of blame and not a lot of reflection - from both of you. He’s funded the past 3 decades for all of you. I have three kids and I can’t understand how you needed to be at home whilst the kids were at school? Why didn’t you contribute financially?

You both sound unhappy and, quite frankly, like you hate one another. Splitting would be for the best. You’ll lose the house and free holding but at least you’ll retain half of the value even though you didn’t earn it, that’s a big win surely.

There's not a right way to do this or a wrong way.

Get some therapy from a therapist who specialises in neuro diversity. It might help you understand your life a bit better.

When all is said and done he's not going to change. He can't. He'll try but only if he sees this as necessary and it will only last until he can't do it. Which might be a few weeks or even months. He'll resent the sudden changes even if to you they are decades in the making.

So you are left with the life you have now which isn't fulfilling.

Or a life you have with changes you can make for you. Go back but fill your life with your wants and needs.

Or you leave and start over.

Or if you really love this man it might be possible to live in close proximity but separately.
Maybe with structured meals out together and activities regularly.

No easy choices. Whatever you do there will be fall out from the children. But I understand the burn out. There is a life beyond an autistic partner. A very different life. This isn't a typical situation and there is more than one way to resolve this.

Best wishes.

This would be a reasonable point without the unnecessary final sentence.
I think most people would prefer a relative to a taxi. I'm sure DH would be happy to sit in the car park for a couple of hours waiting for OP to finish her appointment. Taxi perhaps not so easy.
Not everyone can afford to take a taxi whenever they need to go somewhere.
In rural areas or even very busy cities it may be difficult or impossible to find a reliable taxi service.

This is not a 'glib' statement.

I nowhere said he would show any overt interest in OP.

She has written that he ferries the five children to their activities. I simply pointed out that he might do the same for her, if she were unwell in the future. People who cannot get about struggle immensely if they have no-one to give them lifts. In this way he would be an important resource for her.

Please read what I actually wrote.

Or she could just get a taxi. The advantage of the taxi solution for lifts to hospital is that she wouldn't have to put up with abuse for the 99.9% of time she wouldn't need to be driven somewhere.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder how many parallel universes exist.

OP, I have little to add to the chorus of voices telling you to leave - they are right. What I will say is that two of my DC are ND. But they are not selfish assholes with professional victim tendencies, they are loving and caring functional people who have worked incredibly hard to be who they are. Being ND isn't an excuse. Not for your husband, not for your DC.

My post is no more hypothetical than anyone else's.
I'm simply aware that the only person who really knows her situation is OP. Hence, I find it strange that many people seem absolutely certain of the facts and what is right in the situation, on the basis of a single post.
I say the children 'may' mature, which means 'it would be amazing if they didn't grow up in the next few years.'
She has said the children come to her in times of difficulty in preference to her husband, so they clearly trust her. I think it would be so sad to take an action which permenantly undermines that trust.
I know this is not the popular view, but it's important to look at the popular and the unpopular aspects of the situation.
As a woman in her late 50s her situation is very different from someone three or four decades younger.
Co-dependency is 'likely' to have developed.

This is wonderful to hear about your Mum, and important for OP to know the possibilities for a fuller, happier life. I'll be 44 in June and am moving from South Africa to the UK (British grandmother). I have a rich and full life here with my hiking group, book club, nice job, etc, and am anxious about leaving it all to start afresh. I have a few friends in the UK but they are spread out across the country, and I don't know where to go where people are friendliest and I'll have the best chance at making friends. If you could give me a rough idea of the area your Mum moved to I'd be most grateful, but if you'd prefer not to, I completely understand. I can't even decide between north, south, or midlands! And within those areas there will be much variation I'm sure!

OP you need a lot of therapy. You are damaged by what has gone on. Youve become embroiled in rows you should not have done. The family is broken. Your DH is being abusive.

Your children all need to know about his diagnoses. They judge you in the absence of this information and what he is doing is not fair.

He also has a medical duty of care in my opinion to inform all your children about both the cancer and autism because they can both be hereditary and he is withholding information that may be critical to their wellbeing now and in the future.

It’s time to come clean.

The house and animals are worth nothing if you are miserable and sad and angry.

You need a good two years to reinstate your boundaries.

Personally I would not threaten my own son with the police. This is not the time for escalation. There has been far too much of that and it leads nowhere but to more shouting.

You need to separate and live in separate places. The children need to be informed. The house needs to be sold and the animals found a secure and loving solution.

Your children need to understand your shouting but more than anyone, you need to first.

You’ve not had your needs met for many years and you’re deregulated as a result. Grieve. Heal. Return stronger and wiser and remain loving as much as you can through all of it.

Yes, but that bears no relationship to what I actually said!

Please don’t make glib statements. I’m sure you mean well but if you hang out on the NT/ND partner threads the chances of any of our dear partners showing one iota of interest in our illnesses is highly highly unlikely.

The most usual response from an autistic husband is to barely respond after hearing life changing medical news.

The further they can get away from any support whatsoever, even verbal or emotional support is the most common response.

My DH’s response to any illnesses I’ve ever had is “when will you be better?” Or completely ignoring me. He buggers off and wants nothing to do with me. He sees me as weak.

You are so right about this. Yes, autism IS a disability (hence it's inclusion under the Equality Act).
Autism, considered as a disability, would explain the OP's DH's difficult and hurtful behaviour and why he practically may be unable to change.
Hence my pp suggesting that when the household gets smaller, as children leave home, and the demands on him are less, DH's behaviour may improve . I believe autistic individuals can be good at predictable rote tasks; hence I suggested that he might become a good chauffeur to any future hospital/ doctor appointments, which OP has already said he currently does for their children.

DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do

I don’t think you’ve got any choice but to leave. It’s either that or you move into a different bedroom, organise separate finances and say bollocks to the lot of them. And that’s not really sustainable. But the above two comments stand out to me. Your DS needs to understand that if he so much as wags a finger at you, then you will call the police. He needs to learn that there are consequences to shoving people. What happens if he gets angry with the wrong person and they retaliate? I don’t think you’ve said whether this child is ND or not, but I think it’s largely irrelevant. He doesn’t get to shove you, either way. You are not his punching bag. If he’s going to function in a world where his mum isn’t always there to protect him, he has to learn that he can’t go round shoving anyone who makes him angry. And as for your daughter, the second she starts screaming at you for not doing her a favour, you hang up the phone.

The lack of understanding shown towards people with autism on this thread is disgraceful Rubbish. It doesn’t matter whether he or the children have autism, or anything else. Their thoughts and responses and reactions to things will be influenced by being ND, absolutely. But that doesn’t place any obligation on the OP to just accept the way she’s treated simply because her DH and/or her DC believe it to be entirely reasonable. She doesn’t have to place her happiness and wellbeing to one side. She matters too. Not more, but definitely not less.

Autism is not an excuse for being an arsehole. And I’m sorry but your husband is an arsehole. He stood by and watched your child attack you because he decided you deserved it. Lying about and concealing diagnoses is really unfair.

Leave him. You’re in your 50s - you’ve a lot of life left to live. Maybe once you leave him and are no longer propping him up, your children might see him for what he is.

These are pretty much my thoughts I'm afraid. I know too many women ( myself included) who are paying a very heavy price for escaping with hopes of a better life, but which in reality has not in any way compensated for the years invested in an unhappy and/or abusive marriage, instead just replaced one sad and highly stressful situation with another. Think maybe constant financial worries and a different kind of loneliness which any additional health problems will only underline. Starting again on any level in late middle age can be soul destroying unless you have a very sound base from which to launch yourself. Dreams of well paying jobs, attentive new partners etc are difficult to realise, with prolongued stress not really known for its anti ageing properties either................

Whatever you decide, your son absolutely must not be allowed to physically intimidate you. It should be made crystal clear that any further disrespect or abusive behaviour will be met with the strongest possible response and not tolerated on any level. Clearly your son will pose a risk to any future partners if this goes unchecked. Perhaps family mediation/counselling would help unpack some of this and allow for each of you to speak openly with the help of the mediator to keep things civilised.

Yeah, no. Your views reflect your own experience, like the posters who are saying all autistic people are awrful in relationships. I'm sorry to hear your experience has been different than mine (and that of my child), but you DO NOT get to tell me that his experiences, or mine, do not matter. Also, the systems thinking thing? It has actually been empirically demonstrated https://rmit.wd3.myworkdayjobs.com/en-US/RMIT_Careers/job/Assistant-Associate-Dean--Computer-Science-Education_JR35256-1,

Of course, all of these things are mediated by underlying IQ, supportive teachers, exposure to topics of interest early, supportive home life...etc. Missing out on many or all of those is likely to mean that strengths don't have the opportunity to develop, if they are present, and many of us ARE unlucky there.

Again, I am genuinely sorry to read that your experience is difficult. It doesn't mean mine (and many others like mine) don't exist though.

I think you've made the very difficult first step so keep going one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
It sounds like you have a really unhealthy dynamic with the kids too (due to his behaviour) so I'd take a step back there too. Let them think you've gone a bit bonkers if they want to. They'll probably work it out eventually.
You do not have to hide what you're going though, perhaps not no need to reveal his autism diagnosis but you can certainly describe the behaviours that leads to and why that's distressing to you.
In your 50's you have time still to make the life you want and deserve. Put yourself first for once(I doubt you've done much of that)

I think you're everybody's whipping boy and scape-goat, op

Time to get out.

Let your adult children deal with him if they're so fond of him.

Let them see what it's like to deal with him without a buffer and scape-goat.

You'll need help - probably professional help - to change your relationship/dynamic with your adult children. Because it cannot stand at it is.

Your son is lucky he's not been reported for assault.

You've done your best your whole marriage. But it will never change. Do you want to spend the rest of your life on repeat or have the chance of a fresh start. Yes you might loose the dream small holding but you gain a life to live the way you desire.
Its a shame but dh has problems and they are drowning you now despite your absolute best efforts to stay afloat.
Could he move out not you?
At least the animals will be cared for... I hope it will work out well for you

The incident with the violence towards the op by one of their adult children (an adult male at that) ..... and him encouraging it, excusing it etc. would suggest otherwise.

I hope you're ok

Id suggest you explain to your husband that its the end of the road, no point him being constantly criticised etc so lets go our separate ways, sell the house he doesn't want and start again.

I would tell your dc that it is best if you leave, as its making your dad so unhappy always being the victim. Tell them he wants to sell the home as he doesn't want to live on the small holding so best you sell up and go your separate ways, sell up and both live out happy lives apart.

You've made a really good go of it all - but your different people and making each other unhappy, for whatever reason its not worth staying together.

I know you say about how the house and set up would make it difficult to leave etc but even on top of your problems I think you’re both just such different people, as others say not all of the things you’re seeing are to do with autism, some are abusive but some are simply compatibility/ men things- it might just be very difficult to see. The other thing is thinking about if you ever got on/clicked/ if you love each other. He might be ‘attacking’ because he feels attacked, have you both had any sensible talks at all? Is he just on high alert? Hope you both figure it out (not necessarily together as a couple although maybe) you’ve built so much together

Yes you didn't say that. Sorry I read it too quickly.

It’s definitely true that at 60 the pool of candidates out there will not be good. There will be many men looking out for someone to just take care of them.

Hell, after 50 the only partner likely worth having is a cat or dog!

I think for the minute if I was you would be to think of a long plan. You can't just leave, there's too many responsibilities to think about. Animals need sorting and he obviously will neglect them.

Go back, be low demand. Start organising everything so you can split up without too many complications. Which means the animals first. Tell him you heard he's not interested when on the phone so it's time to free up some money from it and take that stress away from him. Start to squirrel. If you're low demand he'll probably relax enough to not notice what you're doing. Stay out of his way as much as possible.

The kids can make their choice but they'll see the score fast enough.