Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

This is my first Mumsnet post so I'm sorry but this will be a long rant. But I have really lost my way and would appreciate everyone's thoughts.

My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been married for 25 years and have 5 kids who are late teens/20s.

The marriage has always had something "not quite right", something missing which I couldn't explain. DH didn't have many girlfriends I thought he was just shy. Once married I always felt he was avoidant, pulling away, preoccupied, unavailable, never initiated sex. If I ever tried to raise it, even gently, he was irritable and defensive, saying my "constant criticism and oversensitivity" was the problem and then he'd try to run away or hang up the phone or get busy or fall asleep or get one of the kids to interrupt us to shut me down. He is also very interested in facts not feelings and tends to disconnect from conversations once he's satisfied himself of the facts.

Eventually I dragged DH to therapy wondering if he was a covert narcissist but this year he's been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (Aspergers) which explains everything. I feel I'm in a nightmare as our story started out as a fairytale with our beautiful kids but now I'm acceptingw nothing will change with DH.

We both had good careers but I stayed at home to raise the kids. He worked hard to provide for us all but had a long commute. We moved out to the coast and bought a rambling old house with land, did it up and we have a small holding with animals. DH seemed to avoid intimacy but I didn't question it as he was tired and working so hard and so was I. He never took me out in the evening or hired a babysitter or took me away for a few nights. We only ever went away with the kids but I was so in the tunnel of parenthood and we didn't have much money to spare so I didn't really stop to question it.

Gradually the kids grew up and then DH stopped work and I thought we would spend more time together but I gradually realized he wasn't interested. Once he stopped work and was around 24/7 and the kids were grown up, it dawned on me that he was just making excuses to avoid time with me and avoid intimacy.

We did years of marriage therapy but he could neither express his feelings at all (alexithymia) or understand mine. He just cannot hear me - all he can hear is that he's being criticized and then he becomes a professional victim. I have given him a million chances to sort himself out, so many times we have fought and he always comes back, says sorry but nothing changes. Our therapist said he wouldn't change and to leave him as he wasn't able or interested in meeting my needs.

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.

So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Every time the whole family gets together which is now only about twice a year I work hard to cook food and make it nice but either my husband or one of the ND kids has a meltdown or shutdown which ruins the occasion and the family doesn't speak for months, I am beginning to dread get togethers.

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days. If I ask him to do something he'll do it eventually but then says I'm bossy and that he feels "controlled" and then makes sure the kids know it.

Some of our kids have various neurodiverse traits/issues and DH and I clashed seriously about how to raise them because as a ND himself his first instinct was to deny their problems and help them to mask whereas I as an NT wanted to get them diagnosed and get them help. DH also insisted that we don't mention anyone's diagnosis in the family (shame) so when several of the kids have huge meltdowns we are not allowed to address it with the other kids and I can see that they feel guilty and responsible when it's not their fault.

Things have come to a head in the last few months. DH was being assessed for suspected cancer. He wasn't able to process many feelings about that beyond being sure he didn't want the kids to know. I did all the worrying and supporting whilst he looked blank and numb all through Christmas. Finally this week he got the "all clear", he did express some relief but I was hugely emotional after the hospital.

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I was still emotional from the hospital so after she'd put the phone down I was angry with DH that he hadn't passed on the message. He denied this so we started to argue. DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy (he didn't know about the hospital or cancer scare at all so didn't know why I was so emotional). I said to DH "tell him to stop" but DH said "why should he stop abusing you when you abuse me ?" (professional victim).

In that moment after 25 years something snapped in me. I did something I've never done before. I calmly put together a small bag of clothes and walked out. I drove off and checked into a local B&B where I am sitting now with no idea about my next move.

DH has brought me to my knees. It's not what he does, it's what he DOESN'T do, he's just absent from our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want to have a relationship with me either. He just wants a housekeeper/secretary/organizer/mother not a wife. I want to leave him but then I break up the family, we lose our lovely home and I get blamed for that by him and the kids, I lose my smallholding and animals and will have to give up my dream part time job that I have taken up in the last few years too, so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently.

I rang DH from the B&B to discuss the issues. He said "all you do is criticize me, I'm a victim" and hung up. He didn't want to discuss the issues because he can't summarize or express his feelings. He says he can't change and I am persecuting him to do things he can't do. He then said by the way if I was moving out then he'd sell our home and small holding because he wasn't interested in it anyway he only bought it for me (first I heard about that, he was the one that insisted we buy it when I wanted to stay in the city !). I went back briefly to our home to collect clothes etc and he was just lying flat on the sofa staring into space, washing left in the machine overnight, last night's dinner still on the table untouched, curtains not drawn, animals not fed, plants not watered, post not opened etc.

AIBU to leave and break up the family and sell our family home and smallholding and rehome the animals ? Or am I overreacting and should I accept he can't change, stop asking him to and just suck it up for the sake of the family ? DH is not a bad person, we have a lot in common with our joint kids, life and animals. He worked hard to support us all, he's never been unfaithful or had addictions or been abusive (contrast I've been a drunk and screaming harridan more than once when pushed beyond human limits by rigid and goading ND family members). I am also nearly 60 and have let myself go with all the stress. Dating now fills me with horror, what are my chances anyway and my friends are having horror stories on Bumble.... I would also have to go back to full time work at 60 to support myself and the children would be hostile to a new partner as they feel responsible for their victim dad. But he is not my husband or lover and he's more friends with the kids than a father to them. He is a professional victim and he has no capacity for a marriage or partnership with me. I would be happy to live alone but I keep having the sad thought that I don't want to get to the end of my life without having experienced a true and loving partnership.

If I could find a way to stay with DH I would but I have tried to compromise a million times. I don't want to have an affair either but it seems that if I stay I would have to completely deny my own needs for love, support, intimacy, boundaries, joint parenting, joy etc and life is too short for that. Advice please.

Time to have a family sit down together and stop the lying

Everyone needs to know what is going on

I will give you a warning that if you leave it too late to divorce or you dont explain to your dc dh’s way of needing to be told to do everything you could end up in my situation and putting your dc in the situation my own dc are in

I divorced dh 3 years ago. It didn’t make a difference to now exh how many times I explained it to him that he needed to leave. He just didn’t. He blew through his half of the money and he is still living with me. He now isn’t able to live on his own and adult dc who also live with me don’t want him in a care home. They have both stepped up to look after him but I can see the strain is starting to show.
No agency will take him and so he sits in a room of the house watching game shows all day. He hasn’t left the house in over a year. He doesn’t pay any bills. He showers rarely. It truly is horrible.

I am drowning because I feel like I am the verbal punching bag for everyone. Even though exh and I rarely speak. The dc are getting the brunt of his helplessness and are taking it out on me because I refuse to do anything for him after spending years trying to stop him abusing his body and telling him I wouldn’t be there for him when he got ill. Only to be met with the reply that no one was going to tell him what to do or what to eat and drink and that I was a nagging wife.

I think if I called the police to remove him from the property and they took him outside he would just sit on the pavement and not move and await someone to come along to provide a roof over his head and do his shopping and pay his bills

He spoke to NT-DS behind my back. I knew he was driving him back to uni but didn't know when....I only knew DH had arrived in the garden when DS started taking things out to the car. I went out and said to DH "you could have told me what the plan was, you could keep me in the loop with the kids".

He said " you told me not to contact you or be anywhere near you". Is this neuro diverse literal interpretation or covert narcissistic passive aggressive punishment ?

I said "my requests for this marriage are reasonable" ( I have been very clear with him: sex, setting boundaries with kids, apologising when wrong, having the drive to get up and get stuff done and be a team in keeping the marriage going) he said "well I can't meet those needs".

I said "well why did you get married then if you can't do those basic things, this is normal husband behaviour and also it's honouring your marriage vows?". He said "what you want is unreasonable, other women wouldn't want those things". Delusional.

When I confront him, his shame kicks in then his narcissistic defense. He wants to hurt and wound as much as possible then run away really fast. He's now on high alert as he is shamed that he left the house in front of our son so he's at his most narcissistic and vindictive.

He's also masochistic, if I said " go and live in a cardboard box" he would do it if there was mileage in being a victim in front of the audience of our DCs. Whilst insisting on total secrecy from our family and friends. He's got me and DCs keeping all his secrets for him, keeping his mask up that he's a regular sort of guy

I said "what are you going to do now then?". He said he didn't know, he didn't have a plan.

He said "I'll probably get a job, so someone else can tell me what to do". Then he shut the car door. I agree with pp I dont think he ever realised what a marriage is, he was just masking being NT going through the motions and thought he should get married.

DS came out, said " shut up mum, just drive dad" and slammed the car door in my face and without a backwards glance they skidded off together......

DH certainly never set boundaries with our DSs treating me with respect that's for sure.

I feel devastated and alone. Sitting in my lovely home that I worked so hard for, alone, in the wreckage of my dreams with DH portraying himself as such a victim that half the kids are hating on me. And I can't tell my friends as he's got me to mask in front of them too.

So sad. I'm crying. My heart hurts. I'd never get in the car with one of the kids and just drive off ignoring him like that.

It sounds like you are both caught up in a war which neither of you can win but you are not looking for solutions because that would mean the end of the war.
My parents are caught up in that exact same situation so I must be projecting to a certain extent but, having read all your updates, it does sound to me exactly that. I suspect you are not able to recognise that description of your toxic relationship and I quite sure your husband would be utterly flummoxed by it.
And until you start trying to find solutions - and that means more than moving out physically, although that is a good start, separating, divorcing and so on - nothing will really change.
But I hope it does. For both of you. And especially for your children.