To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

So he never wants to talk about her to you , she’s never wanted to meet you or even get introduced virtually, she’s had a bad week , got hot headed because she wasn’t given a birthday gift by a complete stranger, and he had to manage to calm her down . If this was reversed into a male people would be of the opinion he was an arse and big red flags .

That’s concerning. This was all his gf kicking off. Having a bad week. Needing to calm down. And rather than him manage this with her, his response was to send her message “do better” to you. I’d be chatting to him about that a bit more if you can.

Does she often have bad weeks, fly off the handle, be irrationally over sensitive about things like this? Why did she keep cancelling the meet up? What would
he like to see as an ideal family relationship / involvement? Perhaps he sees what his sister has and wishes his partner was easy going and keen to get to know you like his sister’s partner.

This may be a wake up call for him - is his gf allowing him to be his true self (it may be less family interaction in something he prefers) or is she preventing this and making his life difficult and like treading on eggshells?

you sound like a lovely family and it would be a shame if his choice of partner cuts him off from that.

I would resent being told to ‘Do better’ by one of my kids. I would tell him to never fucking speak to me like that again. Entitled adult brat.

Glad you talked to him. Sounds positive, which is great.

my Mum used to do this, my brother would only visit her on his birthday and at Christmas (if she was lucky to get a visit, sometimes he just sent the kids while he stayed at home) and his wife always commented negatively on the gifts she recieved. Even telling us one day that a gift we had purchased for my niece was ghastly!!!

Therefore my mum doesn’t treat us all the same, she treats the people well who treat her well.its taken her a long time to do it but you reap what you sow.

she treats my dh as a son and my brother now gets a token gift and his wife gets nothing.

Your son was very rude texting "Do better". I would never have spoken to my parents like that.

I think you have made a rod for your own back now and you will have to send birthday presents every year to both partners now.

We never send birthday or xmas presents to partners as it would be too much with 3 chidren and 5 grandchildren.

please please OP do NOT jump to buying a present in response to this appalling message from your son. You evidently have a good relationship with him, so talk to him about why he thinks he can send you a message like that, why he thinks you should be spending money on a woman who shows no interest in meeting or speaking to you and why he himself doesn’t bother with presents or cards or any sort of gesture but wants his gf to be centred.

She does not sound nice and I would be concerned she is causing a scene with him and that she’s behind the “do better”
message. But that needs calling out!

It sounds like your daughter is the favourite.

You shouldn't be but because you've added her to a family group chat and got your daughters boyfriend something, she knows she's being treated differently.

Has she even said anything to you? It might be mostly from your son

I LOVE this. OP, please send this.

Son’s GF is being unreasonable. She couldn’t be bothered to make the effort with you when you visited DS, but she expects you to make the effort with her?

Hopefully!

Planning 4 evenings together when she's been with this boyfriend 6 months is extremely full on.

I don't think it was four evenings together, it was four attempts to have one dinner together, that the GF kept cancelling.

Let me know if I'm getting anything wrong. They've been together less than a year, so maybe Spring 2024. In October 2024 (so they'd been together 6 months), you visited and she cancelled on 4 meals you'd planned to have together.

Planning 4 evenings together when she's been with this boyfriend 6 months is extremely full on. Your son is a grown man of nearly 30. She might be socially anxious, or she wasn't ready for this level of closeness to his parents in a new relationship, or maybe she really was busy and thought if she goes to one she has to go to all of them.

I would never complain about not getting a present, but they've both probably realised you prefer your daughters boyfriend and wish she was more like that, before you've even gotten to know her.

For the sake of good relationships with both your children and their partners I'd just say sorry and try treat them the same from now on.

Since OP states her son does not send physical cards or gifts, seems like he could also do better. If you expect people to buy you birthday gifts, you should put in some effort to get to know them!

The intensity I mentioned is not about the couple. It's about the parents involvement and investment in two relationships involving young people which may or may not last. And also the supremely childish behaviour of the son and his girlfriend demanding that everything has to be exactly equal between him and his sister.
(FWIW I got engaged 5 months into my relationship. I've been married 7 years, but my husband is not on my immediate family WhatsApp chat, and nor are any of my siblings' spouses. It's just not necessary to have everyone communicating everything with everyone all at once right away.)

My oestrogen is dropping like a stone so I often enjoyably think out retorts I could never really say, it really helps I recommend it.

Obviously you CAN’T say this as both PA and inflammatory but it would be so rage releasing to say

‘Darling, please don’t use that phrase with me again as I find it both sanctimonious and antagonistic. In fact, given that it’s never going to elicit the type of response you probably want, I’d suggest dropping it from the lexicon. Now - I’m so incredibly sorry, I obviously totally read the situation wrong, but I just (clearly mistakenly) assumed we weren’t doing cards or presents anymore as we didn’t get any from you? Do you want to have a think and let me know which way you’d rather play it, all do cards and presents or none? Happy to be guided by you. And of course we would love nothing more than to get to know Jane better, it would be brilliant to have the same relationship with her that we do with DDBF. Why don’t you bring her down for Sunday lunch this week or next, we can really push the boat out and welcome her to our home.’

Obviously no one will ever speak to you again but think of the SATISFACTION.

Bonus if she’s not called Jane.

How much were these vouchers btw? I bet they were super generous. You guys sound so lovely but also slightly like mugs. You are a person too, not just boring old mum, resource and service provider. Grr.

meh. The GF is very rude. The son is even ruder.

I don't give rude people the headspace of thinking about presents for them.

In this case? (I am very petty and vindictive) I'd send a Boots-own or Superdrug-own bath set, and have done with it.

I do think it was thoughtless of you but if my son ever told me to "do better" I'd be asking him who the fuck he thinks he is talking to? He sounds disrespectful, you should address that with him and perhaps the situation with the gf will improve in the sense that he might actually ask her to make an effort to build a relationship with you as opposed to expecting you to like her when she makes no effort.

Crazy that the daughter, who is the only one to send OP birthday and Christmas cards and who is also living on the other side of the world and doesn’t know what presents OP sends to the brother, is getting the blame.

Why no blame for this entitled 27yo MAN who doesn’t even get his mum a birthday card and yet expects her to send GIFTS to his girlfriend abroad?

Have you actually met either of these partners?