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Original poster

To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

405 replies

sophntheo · 15/01/2025 22:11

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

OP posts:
GermanBite · 15/01/2025 22:19

Why on earth are your kids' partners in a family group chat with you? They've only been together a year.

I think if been with my partner for about that time before I even met his parents.

It all sounds needlessly intense.

Quinlan · 15/01/2025 22:18

Didn’t you just say, “We’ve never met her because she was too busy and tired when we were there. Maybe she should do better. We can’t buy a gift for someone we don’t know and who won’t make any effort to meet us.”

I’d want to say that.

Jonnycakes · 15/01/2025 22:18

I think you are being unreasonable, yes. Both of your children are in year long relationships, give or take. You have favoured one partner over the other and been found out. You don’t have to know someone to get them a gift. A restaurant voucher or subscription would have sufficed. Or you could have asked your DS what she might have liked. She’s being unreasonable for not meeting you over a 2 week period you went to visit, however I don’t think getting her back by withholding birthday gifts is the way to go about things. Maybe a conversation with DS might have been better as to why she was reluctant to meet you.

Catofthesouth · 15/01/2025 22:15

if she picks up on your valid points and makes an effort going forward that’s great. If not I’d buy her a lovely pass ag gift like “I’ve bought you a goat in Africa via a charity”. Moany baggage.

JustMarriedBecca · 15/01/2025 22:14

Yes that was unreasonable. You don't have to buy anyone a gift - but this may well be the mother to your grandchildren and treating DS's partner differently to DDs is setting yourself up for upset.

If you don't know what she likes, ask your DS. Or buy a voucher for a restaurant they can go to together.

DS is right. Do better.