To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

Good point - could well be the case. You can tell a lot about someone from how they react to a minor conflict.

I usually think accusations of clueless/spoilt younger generations are overplayed, but when you hear a 27 year old man speaking like a bratty 13 year old it does make you wonder.

I think you are thinking of this the wrong way around. The partners of your children whether you like them or not have been chosen by your children. By purchasing gifts for one child's partner and not the other you are appearing to favour one child over the other.

It isn't about you and who you do and don't get on with / feel puts in an effort. It's about your children, treat your children equally.

Maybe he also talks to her like that and she’s in the process of extricating herself from the relationship … hence not wanting to meet the parents.

Which is all fine for the couple involved, but generally speaking it still doesn’t make them family in the way a partner of 5 or 10 years is. Lots of people have multiple relationships of around a year duration in their 20s and 30s. If the parents treated each of them as a special potential future family member they’d go mental.

I know OP has addressed this, but being in a chat group with children’s new partners is a bit weird.

I would be sorely tempted to say this. I would not be tolerating my son telling me to "do better" - who the hell does he think he is?
However, YABU to treat your son's girlfriend differently from your daughter's boyfriend, particularly as they have been in a relationship for a similar period of time.
You say you don't know her as well. Admittedly it appears she only has herself to blame for that, but your son might have been able to give you some gift ideas if you had asked him.

Stop presents for DS too. He is a 27 year old grown man! If he can’t even acknowledge your birthday with a card or present, then he should get fuck all!

When children become adults presents become reciprocal, not one way!

Only in MNland is "only been together a year..." a thing. Most people I know would have moved in together within a year. Some would even be engaged/married.

It was a low key gesture but for the fact daughter posted about it on the group chat.

We are close to our son even now. Like I said he chats away every week, messages almost daily, calls if he is in a cab or driving somewhere. I could tell you what he has had for breakfast most days this week but I couldn’t tell you his girlfriend hobbies.

Sorry but no, You arent close.

Your DS cant be arsed to buy presents or cards and phones you up in dead time to chunter at you about HIS life and lean on you when he needs it.

The fact you arent comfortable enough to have a candid conversation about the GF and all the weirdness here is evidence of that and i guarantee if you tried to lean on him in any kind of emotional crisis or personal difficulty at very best he "tolerate' listening to you.

You are showing "favouritism" because you have an authentic 2 way relationship with your dd vs your son who does give but expects to receive gifts and can barely be arsed to send a happy birthday message to his parents

I'd be inclined to send @Quinlans message but you are probably scared to as your relationship is so tenuous. (In reality he sounds v needy so you prob have more power than you realise)
You should spell out you actually have a relationship with and know DDs bf, he makes an effort with you and so does your dd (inc thoughtful reciprocal gifts) and they didnt wish dds bf a happy birthday which is rude in and off itself.

Omg can't believe those who said you should have sent her something. You absolutely shouldn't. Once you've met and know her then maybe.
Equally I can't believe she's on a family chat. He doesn't live with her. You've not met her. She isn't family yet.

Totally this.

GF needs to do much better.

Your son is very cheeky too

To be honest this is one of those situations where there is truth on both sides, no one is 100% wrong here.

Your actions clearly show favouritism. Surely you can see how it may come across and make her feel left out?

The inverse illustration would be, imagine you are in a group chat with your son’s partner and her parents. Imagine your son posts a video of a gift he (or your potential grandchildren) got his in-laws, whilst simultaneously not acknowledging your birthday the month before. You would feel snubbed regardless of your son/grandchildren possibly having a better relationship with his in laws and finding them easier to get on with. It is just a very obvious and public way of showing you guys aren’t as close even if it didn’t occur to your son that posting the video would cause offence.

So yes, you can buy whoever you want whatever you want, but I can totally see why she would feel her place in the pecking order is at the bottom.

She’s made no effort. My rule with bf/gf is no gifts till I’ve met them and they have to have been together for a year. That way it’s always been fair. And I’d be telling your ds that he can do better to facilitate the relationship.

She's made no effort to meet you and get to know you better, so you not getting her any gift is justified in my eyes and there were joint gifts, so it's not like she's being ignored. However, I can also see where sho comes from, I think I'd acknowledge her birthday with a text in a said chat or maybe throw together a quick birthday video or something like that so that she wouldn't feel forgotten. It is her own doing, but you can't blame her for feeling left out when she actually was.

I too would completely lose it if I were told to 'do better'!
Having said this, I do think that it's always wise to treat partners of adult children equally.

If she doesn’t make an effort with you, why are you being called out for not making an effort with her? It works both ways.

I understand the inequality in how your son treats you re presents etc but that’s not his girlfriends fault or responsibility. If you buy for one child’s partner you really should buy for the other. Otherwise you might find yourself the stereotype of “Granny on the Dad’s side” one day and she won’t make the effort.

If you didn’t know her birthday until the day before how could you have sent you a present, your son is being ridiculous.

I'd literally explode at the "do better". How fucking rude.

Do better?! The lack of self-awareness is gobsmacking! Your DS is extremely entitled and rude. His GF hasn’t even made the minimum polite effort to get to know you when you visited, despite you asking after her/wanting to meet. And now your DD feels guilty for innocently sharing a video. I can just see how this is going to play out, OP. YANBU, but be prepared for your son being OTT and going NC.

I think I’d just say to your DS that you didn’t know when his GF’s birthday was but it’s now in the diary. And leave it there.

Honestly I think you could’ve sent flowers or similar even with a day of notice- I wouldn’t feel like making an effort either but for the sake of her potentially being a long term partner for your DS, I would to keep the peace. It’s very poor that she made no effort with you when you visited and I do understand why you’d not feel like doing so.

I wouldn’t have bothered getting his gf a gift either then again, I couldn’t be bothered being part of someone’s Watsapp group either, those groups cause too much drama.