Page 2 | Pregnant again but already have 9 month old twins - Is it possible to manage 3 under 18 months?!

OnePintWonder · 2025-01-15T21:44:52+00:00

So the title says it all... Despite using condoms, I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Based on my LMP I think I'm about 5-6 weeks. Whilst we talked about my partner having the snip when I was pregnant with the twins, after they were born he never mentioned it again. I made a few hints about it but he never seemed to take any action and we continued to rely on condoms. I'm really conflicted - I fully understand when people don't continue with pregnancy when they aren't ready or not in the right relationship.... but we are both nearly 40, both have good careers and absolutely adore my partner... the thought of having an abortion makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm worried about how to manage with 3 kids under 18 months. AIBU to have an abortion purely because I don't think we/I can mange 3 kids under 18months?

caringcarer · 16/01/2025 11:15

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:35

So you are right about the baby stuff - we have it all in house already.

No chance of affording nursery for the twins whilst I'm on maternity pay - my maternity pay is really crap for public sector so will be basically on 1/3 of my salary for the year.

Our local nursery charges £92/day per baby so yeah.... no chance of that! I will be managing all 3 by myself during the maternity leave (if we go ahead with the pregnancy).

I'm still massively conflicted

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Some nurseries offer a discount for twins. I'd check if the one near to you does this. Also ask DH to pay for a few half days for twins.

caringcarer · 16/01/2025 11:11

TaggieO · 16/01/2025 07:35

@caringcarer I am fairly certain his wife would be crying every day too. I defy you to find someone who wouldn’t! He was exhausted from getting up multiple times a night, doing nursery runs etc and his wife didn’t work. What about this makes him a “6th baby” exactly? Please do explain.

Crying everyday.

Marriumph · 16/01/2025 09:47

If I were you @OnePintWonder I'd definitely be planning for another set of twins and using that as consideration whether I want to go ahead or not. Best to be over prepared than under prepared. I know someone who had 2 sets of twins, then triplets. Don't bank on this pregnancy being single just incase. If you decide to keep it and it ends up being a single baby, then that's easier as you were expecting two.

Dror · 16/01/2025 09:25

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:02

Oh it was his idea! That's why I'm surprised he hasnt taken any action

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Probably because it's not his life, body, sanity, career, continence etc. at risk by being impregnated, nor does he do much parenting.
Are you financially independent?

No comment on the amount of kids, it sounds like absolute hell to me. You don't need to justify an abortion to anyone, including yourself. Do what's best for you.

H0neyComb · 16/01/2025 08:47

I had exactly the same gap with twins and a singleton. Wasn’t easy but turns it it was waaay easier than the teenage years. Still wouldn’t be without my little surprise though.

MrsEG · 16/01/2025 08:45

Nessastats · 16/01/2025 08:06

Believe it or not twins get much much harder as they get older. I couldn't think of anything worse than having a newborn with toddling twins.

OP just to agree on this, I have twins and goodness me the 18 month to 2.5 years stage was something else, I can’t even imagine having to try and keep a newborn happy at the same time!
But - they are almost 5 now and much easier. Twins for me were very hard from age 18 months to about 3.5 when finally a bit of impulse control kicked in. Since they started school it’s all felt a little bit calmer!
Do you have family local who could help on days you just need to ditch a child for a bit??
Whatever you decide though it is truly your decision; at 5-6 weeks too you have time to sleep on it for a bit. Good luck OP.

Original poster

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:42

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/01/2025 08:37

If DH earns significantly more, can't he afford to pay for nursery?

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I worded my response poorly but we work together financially but our nursery has a minimum 2 day/week rule so we cant afford £400/week in our maternity budget - I know this because I'm still on mat leave now

OP posts:

Mischance · 16/01/2025 08:40

Don't forget that some people have triplets or quads and they manage!
Get that man of yours to the clinic and get him snipped!!

Moglet4 · 16/01/2025 08:37

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:19

Oh it wouldn't be a live in nanny - just one 3 days/week when I go to work!

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I would consider a ‘mother’s helper’. I have one and she’s wonderful. £10 per hour and helps alongside me

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/01/2025 08:37

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:35

So you are right about the baby stuff - we have it all in house already.

No chance of affording nursery for the twins whilst I'm on maternity pay - my maternity pay is really crap for public sector so will be basically on 1/3 of my salary for the year.

Our local nursery charges £92/day per baby so yeah.... no chance of that! I will be managing all 3 by myself during the maternity leave (if we go ahead with the pregnancy).

I'm still massively conflicted

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If DH earns significantly more, can't he afford to pay for nursery?

lanthanum · 16/01/2025 08:35

I know a couple of families with twins/singleton with 17/19 month gaps, and they survived okay, and without a nanny (but didn't have the partner-working-away issue). Make sure you have savings ready for if they all go to uni!

Original poster

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:35

caringcarer · 16/01/2025 01:30

I'd look at these options too. You must already have a lot of baby equipment so another baby won't cost much more for now. If you could get twins into nursery after a new baby is born they'd be 18 months so you'd get a bit of a break just having one at home. I'd try for morning sessions for twins. 8-12 noon. Will your DH help more with DC when he's home? You need to discuss options with DH. Definitely talk about him having snip.

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So you are right about the baby stuff - we have it all in house already.

No chance of affording nursery for the twins whilst I'm on maternity pay - my maternity pay is really crap for public sector so will be basically on 1/3 of my salary for the year.

Our local nursery charges £92/day per baby so yeah.... no chance of that! I will be managing all 3 by myself during the maternity leave (if we go ahead with the pregnancy).

I'm still massively conflicted

OP posts:

Original poster

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:31

IButtleSir · 16/01/2025 07:28

I don't want to derail the thread, but unless you earn more working three days a week than your partner does working (presumably) full-time, you are in a very vulnerable position being unmarried.

If you were to split up (I know no one thinks it will happen to them, but it does!), you will potentially be left with two or more children (if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy), on a 60% salary, with no entitlement to the money he has managed to accrue while you took the financial hits of maternity leave and working part-time. And since he works away a lot, you would have the children the majority of the time.

My advice would be to book a cheap, registry-office wedding along with the vasectomy!

Edited

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So a wedding is on the cards - we've had some extensive logistics to sort out and should be in a position to get married this coming Autumn.

I also want a simple registry office wedding but my other half wants something a bit more 'special'. It's not derailing the thread as it is relevant - he has named me on his work insurance policy in the meantime so I would receive a specific amount if anything happens to him and there's separate amounts ring-fenced for both the twins.

We are both fortunate as we both have good careers - he does earn significantly more and therefore it made sense that I reduce my hours. Also as I'm public sector, this is widely accepted and I can step back up to full time if/when we decide is best.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:26

Nessastats · 16/01/2025 08:06

Believe it or not twins get much much harder as they get older. I couldn't think of anything worse than having a newborn with toddling twins.

Yeah thats exactly the phase I am worried about!

OP posts:

Original poster

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 08:25

crumblingschools · 16/01/2025 00:47

If partner is away a lot, will you cope with disturbed nights?

I survived with the twins! Just got into a good routine and now they sleep through night - Twin 1 has done every night since she was 8 weeks (except when she had a temp and needed calpol overnight) and T2 wakes sometimes only once for a quick milk feed around 5am and then back to sleep

It's not the nights that worry me - its the practicalities of managing day-to-day. Like I struggle getting my double pram in places and can't get on buses. I just can't imagine trying to do all that with a baby in a sling as well.

It's also the fact that this baby would be 2 school years below so that's 2 more years of pre-school care to facilitate whilst the twins are in Reception and Year 1.

I can see longer term that it would be do-able if all children remain happy and healthy but worry about the impact it would have on the twins if this baby had any major issues.

OP posts:

Nessastats · 16/01/2025 08:06

Believe it or not twins get much much harder as they get older. I couldn't think of anything worse than having a newborn with toddling twins.

Original poster

OnePintWonder · 16/01/2025 07:56

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/01/2025 06:42

the plan had been to (probably) send the twins to private school

I am pro choice (both pregnancy and education!!! 😅) so am 💯 not being goady But i just dont understand how it simultaneously true your plan was private for twins but you cant afford a FT nanny???

We are paying 4.5k pm for childcare net with zero gov help and "cant afford" private school... in that we have financial reserves and can suck up the childcare costs for 4 years but dont have the reserves / arent willing to make the sacrifice to commit 250-600k on private education (which is what it costs for 2 kids).

Pp have nailed it though you need to think about how you will cope and consider all outcomes inc disability and think longer term past baby stage, and your dh 100 needs the snip. I'd still be using condoms post vasectomy though just in case!

I am an "old" mum and have 2 under 2 and had a lot of help in mat leave and found it hard, just would have needed a small gap for 3 children and decided a third would have been too much. 3 under 4 and an ft job would have broken me personally.

Do also consider the twins should prob get 15hrs free with a nursery or CM and you get 4k pa in tax free childcare if eligible.

Edited

We have been quoted 3.8K a month for a nanny for 3 long days a week. That's going to be really tight for us to afford and we are planning to release equity from the house to fun the next 3 years

Our local private school is 1.15K per child per month so 2.3k for the twins.

But we wouldnt be able to pay for childcare for this baby (due sept 2025) and both the twins go to private school.

My partner earns over threshold so we get no government help

OP posts:

TaggieO · 16/01/2025 07:35

@caringcarer I am fairly certain his wife would be crying every day too. I defy you to find someone who wouldn’t! He was exhausted from getting up multiple times a night, doing nursery runs etc and his wife didn’t work. What about this makes him a “6th baby” exactly? Please do explain.

IButtleSir · 16/01/2025 07:28

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:19

Oh it wouldn't be a live in nanny - just one 3 days/week when I go to work!

Show quote history

I don't want to derail the thread, but unless you earn more working three days a week than your partner does working (presumably) full-time, you are in a very vulnerable position being unmarried.

If you were to split up (I know no one thinks it will happen to them, but it does!), you will potentially be left with two or more children (if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy), on a 60% salary, with no entitlement to the money he has managed to accrue while you took the financial hits of maternity leave and working part-time. And since he works away a lot, you would have the children the majority of the time.

My advice would be to book a cheap, registry-office wedding along with the vasectomy!

Rivett · 16/01/2025 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What gestation do you think the cut off point should be?

Drachuughtty · 16/01/2025 06:46

couch2wtf · 15/01/2025 21:51

My granny had 2 under 1 - absolutely unbelievable but she managed it!

The OP already has 2 under 1.

OP YANBU, this is your decision.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/01/2025 06:42

the plan had been to (probably) send the twins to private school

I am pro choice (both pregnancy and education!!! 😅) so am 💯 not being goady But i just dont understand how it simultaneously true your plan was private for twins but you cant afford a FT nanny???

We are paying 4.5k pm for childcare net with zero gov help and "cant afford" private school... in that we have financial reserves and can suck up the childcare costs for 4 years but dont have the reserves / arent willing to make the sacrifice to commit 250-600k on private education (which is what it costs for 2 kids).

Pp have nailed it though you need to think about how you will cope and consider all outcomes inc disability and think longer term past baby stage, and your dh 100 needs the snip. I'd still be using condoms post vasectomy though just in case!

I am an "old" mum and have 2 under 2 and had a lot of help in mat leave and found it hard, just would have needed a small gap for 3 children and decided a third would have been too much. 3 under 4 and an ft job would have broken me personally.

Do also consider the twins should prob get 15hrs free with a nursery or CM and you get 4k pa in tax free childcare if eligible.

Porcuporpoise · 16/01/2025 06:31

caringcarer · 16/01/2025 01:33

So really his wife had 6 babies to deal with.

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What a stupid thing to say.

caringcarer · 16/01/2025 01:33

TaggieO · 15/01/2025 22:13

Definitely consider the fact that this may not be a single pregnancy. A guy I used to work with had a daughter, and they decided to try for another fairly soon after and had twin girls, then almost immediately after they were born, they had an unplanned pregnancy that turned out to be another set of twin girls, meaning they had 5 under 5 and he used to come to work and just sit and cry at his desk for about 10 minutes most mornings

So really his wife had 6 babies to deal with.

caringcarer · 16/01/2025 01:30

bridgetreilly · 15/01/2025 21:51

The advantage of having them with a short gap is that you get through the baby stage all in one go. Three is certainly more work than two, but people manage. Can the twins go to nursery when the baby is born, to give you a little more breathing space? Could you afford a cleaner for the first couple of years until they’re all at nursery or even school?

I'd look at these options too. You must already have a lot of baby equipment so another baby won't cost much more for now. If you could get twins into nursery after a new baby is born they'd be 18 months so you'd get a bit of a break just having one at home. I'd try for morning sessions for twins. 8-12 noon. Will your DH help more with DC when he's home? You need to discuss options with DH. Definitely talk about him having snip.