To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

You need to think very carefully about why you think your happiness and family and agency as an adult are less important than his. Would he have been happy if you had booked a holiday for you both with your folks ( if eg they spoke to him as your future in-laws have to you) without any consultation with him?

While you’re thinking about that, I’d contact your in-laws and thank them profusely but say you’re so sorry you can’t go but you have a prior arrangement with your mum and it’s such a shame your fiancé didn’t speak to you first. But I’d be cautious of proceeding with the marriage without some acknowledgment from him of your position.

Fabulous. You're on the same page.

Well lucky he has shown you this before you marry. Tell him you will not holiday with his rude parents/ end of. Dates are a side issue as if they are there for a month you could go a week earlier.When you work all year holidays are precious. I would not be going with people I don’t like, to a place not of my choosing. They can shove the ‘ free chalet’ Acceptable terms for your marriage have to be agreed beforehand, otherwise you will be on here for years complaining about this family.Be strong and protect your future

This is worth an argument OP.

I would say he can go, but you are going away with your mum for her birthday as you had previously spoke to him about.

Don't be a pushover.

This is a hill I would die on!!!! I think it will set the tone for you to stand your ground going forward, IF you decide you want to stay with him after his reaction telling him you are NOT going.

Do not marry this man. You will never be first, and he will never have your back.

What surprise? He literally justed added you to his parents annual holiday, he planned fuck all of a surprise. A surprise is booking a break to somewhere you always wanted to go and treating you. He's a twat that wanted the lazy, easy and cheap option that suited him only.

Do you really want to marry someone who doesn't care how you feel and will simply try to push you around to do what he wants and make you feel shit if you don't? This really seems like such a huge red flag to me - not just booking the holiday, which could have been thoughtless or just ill conceived, but the reaction to you not being happy about it - so selfish and manipulative.

Please end this relationship now. Otherwise you will look back and wish you had.

Did he genuinely think it would be a nice surprise for you?

It CANNOT be a "surprise" to him that you find his mother difficult to get on with, so quite why he expected you to throw a fit of joy about this "surprise", I can't imagine.

The thing is OP, with unreasonable people the only way to avoid falling out is to give in to all their unreasonable demands. I suggest that if you don’t want a lifetime of that you are going to have to accept that you will fall out.

You need to get your DP onside. Have a calm discussion. How would he feel if you had already booked that week away for the two of you plus your mum, to a destination of your choosing, without asking him?

As an aside, I would really prioritise becoming fluent in their language to avoid them thinking they can talk over your head (which is hugely rude even if the person can’t understand!)

I couldn't have put it better myself ...

Don't go

@WhereYouLeftIt why does that matter? Is being from Germany worse than being from the France??

We're getting married early next year so I don't want to fall out with my future in-laws

Firstly don't marry him until he's grasped that as a husband, he works as a team with his wife, not his mum.

Secondly, don't pretend to your ILs that their behaviour is OK when it's not. They will just carry on being shitty to you and probably get worse.

If you stand up to the ILs they will either treat you with respect, or you will all fall out so badly you don't see them anymore. Either outcome is better than a lifetime of being treated like a doormat.

I think it's awful he has done this and then been all dramatic and defensive about it!

I go on holiday with my ILs every year however they are extremely easy going and pleasant to be around - I genuinely look forward to it. Before anything is booked details are checked with everyone - dates/accommodation etc.

I would be beyond angry in your shoes and I certainly would not be going! Enjoy a weekend with your mum.

Maybe the onus should be that your future in laws don't want to fall out with you and the potential mother of their grandchildren.

I strongly recommend that you tell your partner to go and you're going to spend it with your mum.

Be nice about it but be firm and he won't do this again. Also I think it's extremely hurtful for your mum if you do love her and get on with her.

I'd do this for your mum and put her first not these insensitive rude in laws. Not only will it show dp... I'm serious it will send an important message to them also, I matter, my choices matter, and my mum matters..
Unfortunately if you don't do this your sending out the opposite signals.

Don't go and don't marry him, if you get married it will get worse and I'd you have children with him it will get unbareable and you'll find it harder to get out.

It's also absolutely not controlling to say you want to see them on your terms, you aren't controlling when your partner can and can't but you are perfectly reasonable to not want him to sign you up for a couple in-laws holiday without asking... he is the one who is controlling op and he won't change.

No he should not apologise ‘for you’ - OP hasn’t done anything wrong!

I would end the relationship, it won’t get better.

Nope. Don’t do it. You have to keep saying ‘that wouldn’t be a holiday for me’.
tell him to go away with his parents and you’ll go away with yours. Or from now on you’ll book every holiday away with your mum without consulting him, totally fair.

I suspect a lot of men don’t want to spend time with their mothers so push it onto their wives/girlfriends to make them feel less guilty. After all your both women so that’s enough in common.

DH tried to constantly push this relationship with his parents. We did not get on. The main problem being, I just wasn’t like them and they did not like it, especially his mum. The older I got the more I pushed back as spending time with them. But if I had my time again I would start earlier, they aren’t your parents you don’t need to develop a deep relationship with them.

You need to really consider if you want to marry this man OP. Do you want to be bullied into having the life this man and his parents say you should have, it will only get worse once you marry and have kids because they will demand you raise them their way and push you and your family out.

Go on holiday with your mum, have a think about this relationship and ask your most trusted level headed friend or family member what they really think about this man and how he treats you.

"We're getting married early next year so I don't want to fall out with my future in-laws. They wanted us to stay with them there last year but (luckily) I was working. From my partner's point of view, it looks like I don't want to have anything to do with his family but I just want to see them on my terms."

I'd be putting the brakes on marrying this man.

Right now, he prioritises his mother over his wife-to-be. And he will continue doing that after the marriage too. He was willing to commit you to a holiday (dates and location) without your knowledge and to suit his parents. THIS IS NOT OK. It's a huge heads-up to who he is and how he will behave in marriage.

"the dates he booked included my mum's birthday when I was planning on booking her a weekend away to celebrate. I couldn't be with her last year for work reasons. I told him this and he just said 'oh, I forgot, maybe you can celebrate another day.'
I hope you told him that no, you would be going ahead with your plan, and his 'forgetting' does not change that. And let's face it - he didn't forget. He regarded it as inconvenient, and therefor to be ignored. 'Ignoring' is not 'forgetting'.

As for his parents paying - I'm with you, I prefer to pay my own way. It ensures that I do not feel under any obligation to those who have paid. 'He who pays the piper calls the tune'. Nah, I'm not having that.

He is very happy to ride roughshod over your choices, needs, wants. You need to address that BEFORE you even consider marrying him.

To set the scene - which country / language / culture are his parents - and therefore he - from?

Of course he should have asked you first. It is reasonable for you to decide not to go.