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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

189 replies

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 20:07

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation. My DP and I were discussing where to go on holiday this summer. We had mentioned some places but not really made any decisions yet. Yesterday evening, he told me he'd booked somewhere for a week in June. I was surprised that he'd gone ahead and booked something without discussing it with me, especially as the dates he booked included my mum's birthday when I was planning on booking her a weekend away to celebrate. I couldn't be with her last year for work reasons. I told him this and he just said 'oh, I forgot, maybe you can celebrate another day.'

Also, his parents will be there. Every year, they go away for a month to a mountainous resort in Europe. He's booked us in at the same resort because apparently 'they know the person who owns all the chalets'. After some discussion, it seems that all this was sorted between them on WhatsApp without involving me, and that his parents are paying for it. We just have to pay for flights.

I'm not very happy about it. I wish he had asked me first before going ahead with it. I like his parents and I don't mind seeing them now and then to have dinner together but I don't want to spend a week on holiday with them. I find his mum tricky to deal with, as she is judgemental about people's eating habits and weight and we had a rough time last summer because she kept commenting that I'd gained weight, which upset me. I'm a size 10/12 so not big. She's also controlling and you have to be very firm with her - not exactly a recipe for a relaxing holiday. They are from a different country and speak no English so I have to communicate with them through DP. I am learning their language but my ability is limited.

To be honest, I limit the time I spend with her as I am always self-conscious that she's judging my figure. For example, last time we saw her for dinner around Christmas, she commented that I didn't eat enough vegetables. I also feel uncomfortable that they are paying for us. I prefer to pay my own way and when someone pays, there is an unspoken expectation that you do what they want during the trip.

I told DP that it was a nice idea but I wish he'd asked me. He got defensive and seemed annoyed. He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free. He made me feel ungrateful but I don't mean to be. I think it's kind of them to pay for us but I'd rather pay for myself and have a choice of what to do. He then started saying 'if you don't want to come that's fine, in fact we'll cancel. You don't want to go so it's pointless.' In the end I gave up discussing it and went to bed. I don't think he will cancel as he seems to want to go. I could suggest he goes alone but that will cause an argument.

Neither of us have mentioned it since. I am unsure now about what to do. If I say I'm not going, then it could cause conflict between me, him and his parents. If I go along with it, I miss my mum's birthday and I would probably be quite anxious while there. We both work a lot and don't get much time for holidays so I'm upset he's arranged this. AIBU to think he should have asked me first?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/01/2025 00:13

iwillfollowyou · 16/01/2025 00:09

I wouldn't go. I'd message your mi and apologise , explain your busy that week but Dh isn't so he can still go. Then plan a holiday for yourself.

What’s she got to apologise for?! Not going on a holiday she wasn’t consulted about, that clashes with her mum’s birthday, which she never asked for?

No.

iwillfollowyou · 16/01/2025 00:09

I wouldn't go. I'd message your mi and apologise , explain your busy that week but Dh isn't so he can still go. Then plan a holiday for yourself.

Popcorn63 · 15/01/2025 23:38

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 21:02

I have tried to talk to him just now about it and explain how I feel. I got this response:

'Again with this. Book what you want with your mum. I will never try to surprise you again, don't worry.'

Passive aggressive jerk.

Silvertulips · 15/01/2025 23:33

You are making this about his family - don’t do this!

Never speak about his parents like that, instead you say - I was looking forward to a romantic week just the two of us - I was thinking more of a X type holiday where we could do X - or How about you visit your mum, and I can visit mine and we can meet up at X after?

ThinWomansBrain · 15/01/2025 23:32

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 21:02

I have tried to talk to him just now about it and explain how I feel. I got this response:

'Again with this. Book what you want with your mum. I will never try to surprise you again, don't worry.'

Surprise him
Leave

you can't really be considering marrying this selfish twat who has no respect or consideration for you?

Smokesandeats · 15/01/2025 23:30

Book a holiday with your family and think seriously about ending this relationship. He and his family are horrible which will only get worse once you are married.

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 15/01/2025 23:26

Are you quite sure you want to marry someone who hasn't yet had the umbilical cord cut?

MixedCouple2 · 15/01/2025 23:22

You are an adult and as you were not included in the plans then you have full right to refuse the trip and make your own plans.

My DH nearly did it to me and I put things straight right away and said no thanks I sm not going.

creamsnugjumper · 15/01/2025 23:19

All I'd like to know is what would he say if you asked him to cancel? That tells me everything.

He sounds really disrespectful you can see where he's got it from.

pinkyredrose · 15/01/2025 23:19

Your future husband sounds rather a wanker. What nationality is he?

MrsPeterHarris · 15/01/2025 23:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2025 23:18

Oooh I don’t like the sound of any of this. Bunting, red flag bunting everywhere love.

His style of communication is deeply unpleasant. Stroppy, passive aggressive, petulant, manipulative and immature.

All good points!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2025 23:18

Oooh I don’t like the sound of any of this. Bunting, red flag bunting everywhere love.

His style of communication is deeply unpleasant. Stroppy, passive aggressive, petulant, manipulative and immature.

Brefugee · 15/01/2025 23:13

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 20:35

Because of my limited language skills, his parents do often treat me like a child. At Christmas, it wasn't very comfortable because his dad was speaking to me in their language and I was listening. Then very loudly, his mum started saying (in their language) 'no, no, you need to talk to her SLOWLY'. It made me feel a bit stupid. Just because I can't speak it that well yet doesn't mean I can't understand.

We're getting married early next year so I don't want to fall out with my future in-laws. They wanted us to stay with them there last year but (luckily) I was working. From my partner's point of view, it looks like I don't want to have anything to do with his family but I just want to see them on my terms.

no. I would not be going on the holiday - and i would SERIOUSLY rethink marrying into this family.

How on earth do you think it will be when you have children?

Tell him to go ahead with his family holiday, you will be with your mum for her birthday. And seriously, honestly, don't marry into this lot.

grace2025 · 15/01/2025 23:11

Don't go if not absolutely necessary as in you can't get leave ???

MrsPeterHarris · 15/01/2025 23:06

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 15/01/2025 20:11

Tell him you had planned on going away with your dm. Separate trips is fine... Let them strop... You can decide your own plans. You aren't a dc. Or happy to be treated like one.

This!

Firingsz · 15/01/2025 23:03

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 21:02

I have tried to talk to him just now about it and explain how I feel. I got this response:

'Again with this. Book what you want with your mum. I will never try to surprise you again, don't worry.'

Nasty.
You will bitterly regret marrying this twat.

GreenCandleWax · 15/01/2025 22:55

Let him go for a week with his parents. You don't have to go if not consulted. You can have a lovely time with your DM for her birthday. You need to draw this line in the sand now, or you will be in all sorts of difficulty in the future.

mum2jakie · 15/01/2025 22:27

Please don't marry this man. He is not putting you first and never will.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2025 22:23

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 21:02

I have tried to talk to him just now about it and explain how I feel. I got this response:

'Again with this. Book what you want with your mum. I will never try to surprise you again, don't worry.'

'Oh, sweetie - surprise! I've booked us a holiday! And the best bit is - we're going with my parents!'

In what way does he consider this to be a surprise that you woud welcome? I mean - really? Why would he think that? Or - he didn't think you 'd welcome it but thought you'd put up and shut up? Not good.

Merryoldgoat · 15/01/2025 22:21

You know those threads where women post that the men suddenly changed after marriage/kids/illness? And there were no warning signs?

I imagine the relationship started like this. With red flags every-fucking-where.

@EvieSparkle you would be a complete fool to marry this man. Marrying into a family where his parents don’t respect you and he takes their side and ignores your feelings is a recipe for a complete shit show of a marriage.

But I know you’ll ignore it so just keep it in the back of your mind when he starts ramping up the controlling and the disrespect.

Endofyear · 15/01/2025 22:21

I think if this is the way he communicates with you when he doesn't get what he wants, I'd be rethinking the future marriage. Seriously, if he can't see that booking a holiday is something you should do together, that's a worry. The fact that he seems to think it's ok for his mother to comment on your weight is also a red flag.

MimiSunshine · 15/01/2025 22:20

At no point in any of this has he sat down and thought “this will be a lovely surprise for EvieSparkle”.

a nice surprise would have been you guys discussing a holiday, both liking when and where but you maybe feeling it was a bit expensive and him Booking it and saying ‘my treat’.

he has simply spoken to his parents who’ve told him Where they’re going and said they’ll book some accommodation for him too.

hes put zero effort in and hasn’t consulted you or checked you’re actually able to go.

think long and hard about whether this is the way you want your relationship to be and whether him sulking in this way is in any way attractive or even remotely acceptable way to behave when in the wrong (hint, it’s not)

shampooing · 15/01/2025 22:18

EvieSparkle · 15/01/2025 20:35

Because of my limited language skills, his parents do often treat me like a child. At Christmas, it wasn't very comfortable because his dad was speaking to me in their language and I was listening. Then very loudly, his mum started saying (in their language) 'no, no, you need to talk to her SLOWLY'. It made me feel a bit stupid. Just because I can't speak it that well yet doesn't mean I can't understand.

We're getting married early next year so I don't want to fall out with my future in-laws. They wanted us to stay with them there last year but (luckily) I was working. From my partner's point of view, it looks like I don't want to have anything to do with his family but I just want to see them on my terms.

You’re approaching this wrong.

getting married next year so:
set your stall
don’t let them think they can cook up plans like this together

I would be furious if my DH did something like this (but he wouldn’t).

Really think about how you both are resolving conflicts like this (communicating like adults, no huffing, sulking etc) because you don’t have to sign up for a lifetime of this.

Have you both discussed your future plans, ambitions, work plans, expectations re holidays and who with, if you hope to have children.
Don’t stumble into marriage. It’s a long slog if the person is going to disregard your feelings.

LifeExperience · 15/01/2025 22:16

I don't think he's ready for marriage. Too much of a momma's boy. Proceed at your own peril.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 15/01/2025 22:13

He definitely should have asked you and he's being unreasonable, but I doubt I'd turn down a free holiday to make the point.