To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this.

You need to talk to someone, if you can. What about counselling? Just for you.
Are you sure you were happy until this? I'd be surprised if there weren't other issues. I also used to tell myself 'every relationship has problems' - but a difficult personality thing is entirely different from a healthy couple having the odd niggle. I know this now that I'm in a healthy relationship - the way things are approached are entirely different, it's like night and day compared to how much conflict was caused by any disagreement with my ex.

I also think his comment about making a big deal about birthdays and too much time with your family is very controlling. He should be happy for you to do nice things for and with your family. It's like he's trying to gobble you up into his world, and his parents, regardless of what you want.

The 'cold at the wedding' thing is truly nasty. He's not a good guy.

He brought up the fact that his parents were paying and not a lot of people gift holidays for free Not a lot of people plan holidays without any input from the person they’re going with, either. It’s not some romantic surprise to the destination of your dreams, where he’d already checked that you were free. It’s a week with his mum and dad at a time that is totally inconvenient to you. This is not a lovely, kind thing he has done for you.

Before you marry him, I think that you need to ask yourself whether you want to be posting in AIBU for the rest of your life. Because if you’re happy coming second to his mum, and putting up with her little digs, or being made to feel like you’re the one in the wrong when you don’t go along with what he wants, then great; you’re in for fun. But none of these things make for a long or happy marriage. Think very carefully. It’s more expensive and traumatic to get divorced than it is to say goodbye to some deposits and walk away free and clear.

And for Gods sake don’t have DC until you’re absolutely certain that you’re happy spending your life being directed, gaslighted and insulted.

'It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this.'

You're right that it's very easy to say LTB when it's someone else's life, and you're right that every relationship has problems. However, everything you have shared in this thread makes him sound controlling, petty and manipulative. Making plans behind your back and then saying that you should be grateful for the 'surprise' - not a good look. He's not handling this conflict at all well.

His parents seem to be beyond criticism in his
eyes. His mother sounds very judgemental and unpleasant. He may be dealing with the fear, obligation and guilt that goes with having overbearing parents, and if so he has my sympathy - it's very painful and confusing - but he's trying to put the blame on you, and that's just not fair. It's also really concerning that you say you don't have many friends - that leaves you isolated and without much support.

Imagine this when your married with children,him doing as he pleases with your children and inviting his mum to the birth ..
You can imagine exactly how it will be .
He's showing you a glimpse of your future here

He is not a nice man OP. Honestly, I don't think you should marry him.

I wish Mumsnet had been on my radar when I was in your position, engaged and with doubts due to his difficult, manipulative nature. There were a lot of signs things weren't right but I was always manipulated or gaslit into shutting up in the end.

We got married, had kids. What should have been the best time was made HARD by him. Now, I'm divorced - thankfully. But life isn't easy practically or financially. I'm in a wonderful relationship now but even that is complicated because of both having DC, different households, lives etc.

I really wish I'd been brave and ended it before we'd got married. Part of me knew, but part of me was in love and had crap self-esteem. With age and wisdom I see that I was also scared, and also didn't want to lose face. This is not just about the holiday, I'm willing to bet he's a wrong 'un. I wish I'd held out for a good, decent person. Don't settle, you only have one life.

Don’t be manipulated into agreeing by his comments about never surprising you again- the answer to that of course is “good”
Do think about whether marriage is the right choice

I'd refuse to go end of and they can lump it.

This is manipulation to prevent you from complaining. OP I know people can be quick to say get rid on here but your DP is displaying some big red flags - booking something which is a financial commitment without discussing it, not caring about how it impacts plans you've made, not caring about the fact that it means spending time with people you aren't keen on and then trying to control your reaction and make him the victim.
Often controlling behaviour is slow to creep up and it's the boiling frog theory - the frog doesn't notice the water getting hotter and hotter until it's too late.
I'd be wanting some clear boundaries, a real change of behaviours before considering marriage and honestly I do think if this is a pattern, even with small stuff this would be a sign to end things.

Exactly this.
And the "again with this" ?!? SO rude!

Honestly, LTB! He sounds pointless

Would you have been expecting him to come on the trip with your mum? If so, I can understand him being a bit miffed that you won’t holiday with his parents. If you were intending to go alone and he would have been ok with this, just tell him to go alone with his parents and you can spend time together another time. Won’t break apart won’t hurt.

Interesting the use of the word surprise.

in all my years, I have only had a man organise a surprise for me once. It was a trip in our home city at the time ( London), to a well known tourist destination. He announced he was taking me on a surprise one day, so we set off to this unknown place ( using my season ticket, so no cost to him). When we arrived at the particular building, I was confused as, whilst I had never been to this place before, I had also never mentioned it or expressed any interest in going there. It was free entry, and I was just. A but perplexed by the whole thing. There was a part of the building that you could visit for a small extra fee, and I ended up paying for us both to go to that bit as I was interested in that part but he wasn’t bothered.

At the end of the visit, he to me to a part of the building which had a plaque dedicated to an ancestor of his, and It all became clear: he felt that he should visit this place for his own purpose, and didn’t want to go alone, but also knew that I wouldn’t be that bothered about going and would suggest other places instead that I would prefer if he brought it up. The only way that he could get me to do this thing that he felt he should do, was to take away my agency and classify it as a surprise. The fact that I ended up paying for my own transport and the annex entry fee was a bonus. It cost him nothing, but in his eyes gave him brownie points for organising a surprise.

I stayed with him for another months until his utter self-centeredness finally got too much.

Sounds like your partner has inherited some of his mother’s traits.

This !!
If you plan on marrying him you need to find a balance. I'd write to MIL and say thanks for the offer but I already arranged to spend time with my family that week.
Tell DH that time off is precious and moving forward how you is up to you or a joint decision. . Don't cave now. Keep it pleasant but put your foot down as otherwise you'll have a lifetime of him not considering you.

You have a perfect excuse.

You can say to his parents that it is a significant birthday for your mum and that it is a big family event.

They might be upset but would be unreasonable to show it because your dh should have checked family events with you.

You then make sure there is a big family event for your mum's birthday (even if it is just you and her, big it up and post loads on the socials).

Your dh has already said he won't surprise you again (big win in my book).

1 Did he make this a big surprise? "Oooh, darling, I'm so excited... Ive booked up this amazing trip because my parents have helped pay and it's goign to be amazing?" Which, while misguided, COULD be seen as true. But I suspect it was more a casual, "my parents invited us to go on holiday with them in June and it's all booked now.|"

2 Nic ebit of Darvo here - he behaves like a dickhead and YOU are the bad guy?

There are huge red flags here. HUGE. You aren't even married yet so I see this getting worse and worse, particlarly once you have children.

He's clearly a bit of a momma's boy. But he's also controlling and manipulative. I wonder what else is going on that you're not even aware of? It might be super super mild right now but will ony get worse (eveything from time you spend with friends/family, to finances, to how things are handled at home ito cooking, cleaning, shopping etc).

I don't know OP, the prospect of living life with a man who thinks a nice surprise for you = a week with your inlaws - is it really so tempting? This is meant to be the easy bit. It'll only get worse once you get married.

Surprise, thanks anyway.

I'd tell him he can go with his parents and you will go with your Mum. Sorted.

Don't marry him - they will ruin your life. Go on holiday with your Mum and eat as many pies as you like.

Excellent solution there from your partner: book the holiday you want with your mum, and tell him to get to fuck it was his idea when he whines about it.

Oh, and LTB before his mother ruins your life 💐

Her MIL has done plenty wrong as OP has explained. If she wasn’t a patronising judgemental food policing cow OP might be more inclined to spend time with her. Keeping the peace doesn’t mean tolerating poor treatment.

I'd be very careful about marrying this man I'm afraid. Things won't get any better. You will be part of the family but it's not a family you want to be part of. Imagine when they are older and need help? Imagine having a baby and his mum coming and telling you you're fat when you've just had the baby? Choosing who to marry and have a family with us the biggest decision you could make really. Be very very sure before you do it.

@AnneLovesGilbert that she unfortunately can not attend. Her mil hasn't done anything wrong and she wants to keep the peace with them