To think my DP should have asked me first before booking holiday with his parents?

He calls me most days on our lunch breaks to see how I am.

What happens if you don't answer?

@EvieSparkle how are you doing? I know you've had a lot to take in on here. It comes from a good place, though - there are some wise words on here even if they're tough to swallow. I had the same when I discovered MN - I didn't want half of what I read to be true, but it was.
I hope you are ok 🌷

So he's a liar.
He lied about the booking.
He is jealous of your family.
He makes sure you have missed birthdays in the past.
He thinks you spend too much time with them.
He deliberately tries to isolate you from them.
You have no friends to talk to.
Could you be more vulnerable?

You are in a controlling relationship with a nasty abusive man.

Clearly you are determined to marry him and learn the hard way.
You will bitterly regret ignoring so many signs that he is toxic.
He will become far nastier and controlling after marriage and as soon as you get pregnant.
Text book abuser stuff.

Unfortunately it reads like you are determined to learn your life lessons the hard way.
Good luck.

‘If your idea of a “surprise” is a week away with your parents, on a date where I already have plans with my mum, then I don’t think I’m really missing out am I?! It’s not really a great surprise is it. Really lovely response from you by the way’

This is all so true - you should pay attention Op.

To paraphrase Maya Angelou, he's showing you who he is, you should believe him.

You sound lovely, OP. Please think very hard about whether this is a good relationship for you. I recommend counselling (for yourself). The fact that this is a long relationship isn’t a reason to continue it. I don’t know how old you are. There are other, nice, kind men out there. I didn’t marry until I was 40. Kissed a lot of frogs in my twenties and thirties, for sure. Don’t settle.

There's a couple concerning things in your update.

Your partner thinks and says you are too close to your parents.

It seems your vacations to see his parents are also scheduled when your family is having birthdays so you miss seeing them and celebrating with them. Is this deliberate on his part?

He kept the fact you guys would be vacationing with his parents secret at first.

The cold at the wedding remark is yet another guilt trip.

You said you don't have a lot of friends.

He's speaking to you in unacceptable ways and treating you poorly

It sounds like he could be trying to isolate you from your family. He's pinging something on my hinky radar here.

Historically he hasn't had the best relationship with her.

This is it! Like I said. Men think they can push the responsibility of having a relationship with their mothers onto their wives/girlfriends, on the basis you must get on as you are both women. That’s why he’s pissed you’re close with your mum, he wants you to be close to his and then he doesn’t have to make any effort/wont feel guilty.

When he said I hope you're not this cold at the wedding he means he hopes you will just do as he pleases and be a push over.

This man wants to control you op, that's the reality, he doesn't want you to have any ideas or wants of your own that he doesn't agree with.

Do not marry him.

But does he not know how you feel about his parents op?

If he does, then this wasn't a kind thing at all for him to agree to. It was a cowardly thing of him to do. He didn't want the conflict himself, so he pushed it on to you. There is nothing nice about that.

If he doesn't, then that also isn't great, because it means you cant communicate honestly with each other.

We all get on brilliantly at the beginning of relationships op. It can even last for years. The true test is when something goes wrong. Solve it together, or at loggerheads? If it's the latter, it doesn't bode well.

I don't think you have an equal relationship. I think this is innate for him unfortunately. Because could you ever reverse this? Say you're booked a spa week for a female friend of yours he doesn't gel with, and him. Present it as a surprise knowing he won't like it. Get shitty with him and tell him he's being ungrateful if he doesn't want to go. I imagine, of course not.

OP, I'm going to list some behaviours that often controlling manipulative men do at the start of relationships but that aren't necessarily recognised or if they are recognised, they are dismissed because of perceived context/reasons. This is not definitive, of course, but gives a flavour. Do any of them resonate?

Relationship moves very quickly in the beginning. Declarations of love, soulmates or that the connection is so unusual. Wants to know everything about you. Wnats to tell you everything about him.

Too much intimate information, too early such as about chilldhood trauma, difficult relationships etc.

A "crazy" ex girlfriend/s

Moving in more quickly than is normal. For any number of reasons from extreme love and how serious the relationship is (as above), or perhaps because something bad has happened at work and now money is a problem or a falling out with a family member requiring them to move out, or the crazy ex etc etc. There's a REASON, sure, but it was nonetheless too early and maybe that reason was actually a bit flimsy in retrospect.

Ghosting or silent treatment during early arguments. Often excused on return with something like, "I just shut down - I love you so much and thinking youre angry with me just literaly make sme unable to function" or "I just needed to be alone to process my emotions because this was so triggering for me" or "I can't cope when you're upset with me."

Small comments or requests that lead to notable changes in behaviour. So not a big deal but you quickly realise he doesn't realy like it when you wear certain clothes, cook/eat certain foods etc. Or perhaps you quickly find that you're doing a lot of domestic chores because the sighing/eye rolling and jokey, "ooh, I thought this was a woman's job" comments become too much? Maybe, if you have a good job you stop talking about promotions and career advancement becuase of the subtle comments that make it clear he feels uncomfortable with that - because he wants you at home more or because he's earning less/has fewer career opportunities.

Wants to meet your family and friends and yet.... perhaps arguments before social events? Or arguments after, "I can't believe you told your mum that you had to clean the bathroom after I had a shower". Perhaps subtle digs, "wow, Mary is a bit of a handful, isn't she?" or less subtle comments, "Jenn really seems to think it's all about how good she is at her job isn't it, it's not an attractive quality." or "Penny is really punching above her weight with Dave?" or "Your brother is a bit of a mummy's boy, isn't he?"

Encourage yo unot to do things without him. Because he wants to spend all his time with you so why wouldn't you want to do the same? or because when yo ugo to the gym alone you're going to pick up men or men are goign to come on to you. Or because the girly dinner and drinks with your friends are inappropriate and childish....

I feel confident your P has displayed some of these.

I think he had good intentions but got it wrong It’s not just what he did. It’s the way he reacted to you when you told him that you wouldn’t be going along with his plans. It’s his turning it around on you, so you’re the ungrateful sod who didn’t appreciate his surprise. It’s his comment about how much time you spend with your family and his implication that you’ll be having a serious increase in contact with his parents if you have DC.

This is not just good intentions gone wrong. This is a warning you will regret not listening to.

I read this in a thick Aussie accent 😊 . Am I right?!

It always baffles me (and pisses me off) when people say you should be grateful for something you don’t want.

Don’t go. He can go by himself and you can celebrate your mum’s birthday on the day. She can’t choose her birthday but they can choose when to go on holiday

I rarely say LTB but in this case yes I think you should heed the warning signs and not marry.
If you marry this will continue and potentially worsen.
His Mother will not change - take it from one who knows.

He is twisting everything you say and isn't actually being truthful. How he can say that you wanting a short break with your mum for her birthday is you 'being too close to your family', but him booking a week's holiday with his parents without consulting you but expecting you to come, is perfectly fine? He sounds mean and controlling. He's already setting up a scenario that if you have a child, he will make sure that his parents are put first.

Even if you don't LTB, I would re-think getting married.

He then questioned how things would work if we had a child - implying that I’d be unreasonable about letting his parents see them. I never said anything like that, and it’s completely unfair for him to assume I would Exactly how much time is he envisioning your DC spending with his family? Where do they live? Does he have visions of them coming to stay for months at a time? Or your DC going to stay with them for every school holiday?

Then he made a comment that I really don’t understand. He said, "I hope you won’t be this cold at the wedding." I don’t think I was cold to anyone. So today I'm feeling confused and unsure about everything. You challenged him. He’s telling you that he doesn’t like it when you don’t go along with what he wants.

It's easy to say LTB but until all this, I was happy. We've been together for years and every relationship has problems. Nobody knows about these issues in real life and I don't have many friends I can confide in about this. Were you happy because he was always lovely to you? Or were you happy because you never said no to him and just went along with whatever he wanted? And every relationship does have problems. But healthy relationships don’t have problems all the time, or have problems when one person doesn’t want to do something.

You’ve been very lucky. He’s shown you your future before you marry him and have children with him. Trust yourself. You know his reaction isn’t normal or healthy.

Watch Alice, Darling on Netflix. I know you don't see it as abusive but if you can relate to a smidge of it, or any part feels vaguely familiar you might think differently. Being with someone controlling, even at a low level, is an awful way to live. You will not be happy.

Happily the planned week clashes with your mum's birthday and you'd planned something for that. So you can't go on this holiday, with no regret.

This isn't about his mother, that's why it's confusing. It's about him starting to ramp up his attempt to control you. He's just using his mother and his family as the tool to do this, in this instance. It's actually quite common.

The holiday isn't even the issue. Neither are the comments from his mum. The whole issue is his sense of priorities, the way he deals with conflict and his lack of communication skills. When you're married to someone for a lifetime, you're going to have far bigger things to deal with than a disagreement over a badly thought out holiday. You'll have times where you disagree on massive, life-altering decisions. Times where one/both of you are under enormous strain. Health issues. Bereavements. Job losses or house renovations. If you have children you will have to work together on a million decisions over the years to be good parents to them, and if you have a DC with additional needs or a disability then you will be under immense strain trying to advocate for them. Marriage requires so much more than just a few shared interests or the same sense of humour. You need real commitment and a true willingness to leave the ego at the door and really listen to each other and want to work together. It really doesn't sound like your boyfriend is capable of this. And I'm sure that he's not a bad guy, and you're thinking it all sounds very dramatic because he's not abusive etc. But please do yourself a favour and really, really think about what married life looks like with him.

Thinking about my personal situation and the landscape of my life 2 decades after my wedding to DH, I cannot imagine navigating the challenges we have faced/are currently facing with a man like your boyfriend. The relationship would not have lasted and it certainly would not have been a happy one. Nobody knows what life has in store. You need to choose very wisely.

Lot of red flags in your update.

1 It was NOT a real surprise. He didn't even tel you the truth about the event. Claiming it was a surprise was just the first step in his DARVo technique.

2 Any man who tells me I am "disrespectful" by definition is a red flag for me. Disrespect is an old fashioned word that has very clear connotations of heirachy. Disrespecting a teacher. Disrespecting an organisation etc. Note that the positive version, "respect" doesn't always have the same connotations but can. But in this instance, you are definitely being portrayed as someone who should be actively showing respect "upwards" to him and his family.

3 You are "too close" with your family. I said earlier that I wonder if he's tried alienating you from your family and friends yet.... I bet this isn't the only such complaint. Also very interesting that these trips to visit his family seem to co-incide with major life events for YOUR family. Does he make visiting your family difficult? Cause arguments before a night out with your friends or before seeing your mum? Complain if you spend time with certain friends who are "bad influences"? Also, you don't have "many" friends. Why is that?

4 Absolutely hypocritical that you can't go away for a weekend with your mum but you're all supposed to go away with his family for a week.

5 He lied to yo to manipulate you abou twhether or not he'd paid - in order to force you to agree to the holiday. This suggests pre-meditation and a complete awareness that you would not be happy.

6 Accusing you of being cold and being slightly threatening with it - he's ensuring that he pre-empts any behaviour rby you that he is not happy with. In this instance, this accusation of being cold is designed to ensure that you are over accomodating, over friendly, over lovign to his family in a desperate attempt to negate any suggestino that you are "cold".

good relationships don’t have those problems. They don’t have sulking hypocrites who think one rule for their families and another for yours and will always put that pressure on you and are already guilt tripping you about children and basically lie to you to try and get you to go along with situations they want and know you won’t enjoy (not mentioning his parents, telling you it’s booked) snap like passive aggressive little children when you react perfectly reasonably. ‘I hope you won’t be this cold on our wedding day’ ewww so much ick. You’d be tired and stressed on maternity leave with a 3 week old and he’d be doing fuck all and you’d plan to visit your mum thinking you would have some help at least and he’d say snarkily ‘I knew you’d play favorites, it’s proof you’re never going to let my parents form a bond with our child if you don’t take baby for a week with them before going to your mums for a week.’ That’s the kind of man he is.