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AIBU?

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Original poster

Financial abuse?

112 replies

Clmt · 15/01/2025 18:16

Long story short, my sons dad told me he wont be paying for him anymore and will not be having him overnight one night every weekend, because I simply asked him to have him on the weekend he was due to have him? (He said I misunderstood, although I have texts that show we both understood the schedule).

He has been on a 'career break' for 7 months, since I filed for CMS (our son is 8 months old) and has got money (I worked in HR at our company so I know exactly how much money he took home each month. Before the left he took home £75k in one month in commission).

I filed for court because he can't stick to a schedule and financially abuses me.

What do you make of these messages and what do you suggest I do?

My maternity pay ends next month and benefits won't cover me. I'm looking for work but as of yet haven't had any luck.

OP posts:
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Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:34

As I said, I hope that you have informed your employer of the relationship between you if you still both work for the same organisation. I would expect it to be immediately flagged if you were able to access personal information about your ex which could be used to your own advantage. I hope your ex has raised the risk of you abusing his personal information and information barriers are put in place as soon as you return from mat leave. You're in a position of trust which you are abusing right now.

Mauro711 · 15/01/2025 19:33

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:32

Get a new job. He was shagging our coworker whilst I was pregnant. So I will not go back

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God, what a truly shit human. I’m sorry he’s putting you and your child through this.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 15/01/2025 19:33

Clmt · 15/01/2025 18:57

The issue is that he is minted and he is using money to manipulate me into doing what he wants. He decides if he wants to pay month to month based on how he feels about me at the time. That is obvious that hes being manipulative...does no one else see it?

Court is because he keeps canceling and rescheduling his time with our son meaning I have to keep cancelling my plans cos he has let us down for nights out etc

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Being minted is irrelevant. He is not working at the moment. He has already given you £500 for January.

Your use of language is quite aggressive and controlling:

"You: Yes or no?
Him: I haven't decided.
You: I'll take that as no then."

If you worked in HR at the company then why can't you go back to work there? You need to focus on finding employment.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2025 19:33

Ah just seen that you had a previous private agreement. Yes that would be better than the minimal amount you'd be awarded through cms.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:32

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:30

Youre not going back to the workplace
so how are you planning to support yourself

Get a new job. He was shagging our coworker whilst I was pregnant. So I will not go back

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2025 19:31

He's a cunt but this isn't financial abuse. Stop rising to his bait.
Leave him to it for now, let the dust settle, calm down and focus on your child.
If he's on UC he only has to pay £7 a week i think it is. He will get bored of this and earn again. Just make sure you've filed your CMS claim and they can take it automatically. It will cost him more if it's taken out automatically it's better to come to some kind of agreement.
The watch is irrelevant.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:31

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:27

so how have you been accessing his pay recently?

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I havent, but I know he is minted. I lived with him...he was my partner. And I still see his lifestyle as we have mutual friends

OP posts:
redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:31

Mauro711 · 15/01/2025 19:29

Well no, she says he’s not worked for the last 7 months.

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so cms would be zero

you have really shot yourself in the foot there if he was paying you £500 a month for one child

LittleRedRidingHoody · 15/01/2025 19:30

Additionally - a court won't force him to have more contact. It might agree he doesn't need as much contact, but that doesn't seem to be what you want.

I'd tread carefully. Reading your messages it seems you could perhaps remain civil and come off far better in terms of a private CMS arrangement and contact.

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:30

Youre not going back to the workplace
so how are you planning to support yourself

Mauro711 · 15/01/2025 19:29

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:27

so how have you been accessing his pay recently?

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Well no, she says he’s not worked for the last 7 months.

Frankiedear · 15/01/2025 19:29

You can't force him to have the contact, not sure from those messages if he is controlling but if he is using contact / maintenance as a way of controlling you, there are ways to mitigate this - maintenance via cms, contact - just don't rely on him, I paid my cm for times when exh had contact as he was so unreliable, now I shouldn't have needed to do this but it saved my sanity and he couldn't control me so money worth spent

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:28

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:25

No, I am on maternity and do not plan on returning to that specific job

so…. you’re planning on relying on the £500 a month you say he sporadically gives you?

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:27

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:25

No, I am on maternity and do not plan on returning to that specific job

so how have you been accessing his pay recently?

LittleRedRidingHoody · 15/01/2025 19:27

OP I understand it's frustrating, but as he's not working it's unlikely you'll be awarded ANYTHING as CMS, especially as he's claiming not to have much left as is.

£500 per month, even if only some months, is much better than 0 which is what you'll likely be entitled to. If you press this, chances are he'll stop paying anything.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:25

No, I am on maternity and do not plan on returning to that specific job

OP posts:
Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:24

nightmarepickle2025 · 15/01/2025 19:22

Family court is not going to make him be available to babysit when you’ve got a night out planned.

Babysit? Its his child...its not babysitting.
I dont have nights out. I have nights to myself so I can actually catch a break

OP posts:
redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:23

you’re on maternity leave and presumably has been ever since your son was born

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:23

Snorlaxo · 15/01/2025 19:20

OP Court is a waste of time for you. A Child Arrangement Order lists the times and days that you have to make your child available. It’s not a list of times and days that he must pick up the child. A CAO means that you’ll be able to make plans with dc because you know when dad won’t be having him but as he doesn’t have to turn up, you can’t make plans for just you because you don’t know if he will turn up or not.
You will potentially be in legal trouble for not making the child available. He will face no legal consequence for not turning up.

Ideally I want to do this, so that he has set days and times. He keeps changing days and bringing him home early so I have to rush back. I just want a set agreement so he cant keep chopping and changing. If he doesnt turn up, thats his problem. As for the money, I know there isnt anything to be done but the fact he is using it as a manipulation/ bargaining tool is frustrating and perhaps something can be done about it?

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 15/01/2025 19:23

nightmarepickle2025 · 15/01/2025 19:22

Family court is not going to make him be available to babysit when you’ve got a night out planned.

Jeez, that is so patronising. It’s not unreasonable to want to share parenting with the other parent.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/01/2025 19:23

Also he didn’t say he wouldn’t pay or wouldn’t have his child in those messages, you need to stop being so aggressive with him it’s not helping.

nightmarepickle2025 · 15/01/2025 19:22

Family court is not going to make him be available to babysit when you’ve got a night out planned.

Mauro711 · 15/01/2025 19:22

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:21

I literally did his wages, its not abuse of access?

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And you are no longer doing it, right?

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:22

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:21

I literally did his wages, its not abuse of access?

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and another porkie

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:21

Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:19

TBH I would be more concerned about the conflict of interest in you working in HR but accessing his information. I hope your employer is aware of the relationship and the risk of you abusing access to information about him for your personal gain.

I literally did his wages, its not abuse of access?

OP posts: