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Original poster

Financial abuse?

112 replies

Clmt · 15/01/2025 18:16

Long story short, my sons dad told me he wont be paying for him anymore and will not be having him overnight one night every weekend, because I simply asked him to have him on the weekend he was due to have him? (He said I misunderstood, although I have texts that show we both understood the schedule).

He has been on a 'career break' for 7 months, since I filed for CMS (our son is 8 months old) and has got money (I worked in HR at our company so I know exactly how much money he took home each month. Before the left he took home £75k in one month in commission).

I filed for court because he can't stick to a schedule and financially abuses me.

What do you make of these messages and what do you suggest I do?

My maternity pay ends next month and benefits won't cover me. I'm looking for work but as of yet haven't had any luck.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:59

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:58

This was a conversation following an original argument he started. So I can see why to an outsider it can seem confusing. I should have been clearer in my post.

He told he was stopping paying because he was supposed to have him this weekend. We both agreed. On the day he cancelled and told me I better be home to take our son back because hes not having him. Apparantly I misunderstood which weekend he was having him, despite him agreeing it was that weekend. I have all the proof in messages. He simply gaslighted me so the had an excuse to cancel our son and go out

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So as punishment, hes not paying me now or having our son weekly. He will have him every 2 weeks.

He just doesnt want me to move on with my life, or even have a life

OP posts:
Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:58

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/01/2025 19:55

If you are on maternity you are still employed. If you are not employed you are not on maternity and are simply unemployed in which case you need to look if you are entitled to UC or anything.

If you are employed, you need to go back to work until you have a new job to go to. At least then you can financially provide for your child.

I have read those messages and you are both being really confusing. I couldn't work out if he had paid you or not, or if he was seeing his child or not so his comment about a misunderstanding seems valid.

This was a conversation following an original argument he started. So I can see why to an outsider it can seem confusing. I should have been clearer in my post.

He told he was stopping paying because he was supposed to have him this weekend. We both agreed. On the day he cancelled and told me I better be home to take our son back because hes not having him. Apparantly I misunderstood which weekend he was having him, despite him agreeing it was that weekend. I have all the proof in messages. He simply gaslighted me so the had an excuse to cancel our son and go out

OP posts:
Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:56

BrendaSmall · 15/01/2025 19:50

Well stop doing what he wants!
Hes got you wrapped around his little finger!
You make a date with him when he’s going to have his child and if he cancels so be it, you need to stop sending aggressive messages to him, if it goes to court then he’s got evidence of your behaviour towards him!

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When I take a stand I get a barrage of abuse, which is why I filed for court. He is abusive towards me which I have extensive evidence of.

Then I start doubting myself as he makes me feel guilty

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/01/2025 19:55

If you are on maternity you are still employed. If you are not employed you are not on maternity and are simply unemployed in which case you need to look if you are entitled to UC or anything.

If you are employed, you need to go back to work until you have a new job to go to. At least then you can financially provide for your child.

I have read those messages and you are both being really confusing. I couldn't work out if he had paid you or not, or if he was seeing his child or not so his comment about a misunderstanding seems valid.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:55

Wolfpa · 15/01/2025 19:52

@Clmt go back, secure yours and your child’s future. Look for new jobs when you know how you are going to eat and pay your bills.

it is easier to find a job when you are already in one.

And who will pay the childcare?
In my area its £1500 per month for full time and I wont get any free hours until April.

I will also never see my son with the long hours. Thet are not agreeing to any flexibility with me

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 15/01/2025 19:52

@Clmt go back, secure yours and your child’s future. Look for new jobs when you know how you are going to eat and pay your bills.

it is easier to find a job when you are already in one.

BrendaSmall · 15/01/2025 19:50

Clmt · 15/01/2025 18:57

The issue is that he is minted and he is using money to manipulate me into doing what he wants. He decides if he wants to pay month to month based on how he feels about me at the time. That is obvious that hes being manipulative...does no one else see it?

Court is because he keeps canceling and rescheduling his time with our son meaning I have to keep cancelling my plans cos he has let us down for nights out etc

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Well stop doing what he wants!
Hes got you wrapped around his little finger!
You make a date with him when he’s going to have his child and if he cancels so be it, you need to stop sending aggressive messages to him, if it goes to court then he’s got evidence of your behaviour towards him!

arcticpandas · 15/01/2025 19:50

I would go through CMS. He won't be unemployed forever and atleast that way you do not have to deal with him.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:50

Wolfpa · 15/01/2025 19:48

You are cutting off your nose by not going back to your job, he has left and why should you be the one who is punished for someone else’s affair. Go back , hold your head high let them see that they have nothing over you.

Your Ex is being a dick but he is not abusing you financially.

I wanted to leave for other reasons, terrible place to work! And this was the cherry on top

OP posts:
Feliciacat · 15/01/2025 19:50

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:44

My organisation literally was a shit show and had no rules whatsoever. I would name and shame but then it would completely give away my identity.

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I worked in HR at my partner’s company and was forbidden from seeing his record. I know you say your company was a shit show but it’s the principle; accessing his financial information is gross misconduct. Just because nobody stopped you doesn’t mean it was ok to do.

As long as nobody finds out then you’ll be ok but don’t let him know you know or he could report you and you could be dismissed for gross misconduct. I’ve seen this exact thing happen before. I’m saying this to help you even if it may not sound that way. Be so careful.

Wolfpa · 15/01/2025 19:48

You are cutting off your nose by not going back to your job, he has left and why should you be the one who is punished for someone else’s affair. Go back , hold your head high let them see that they have nothing over you.

Your Ex is being a dick but he is not abusing you financially.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:44

Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:41

Senior finance professional. If you're on mat leave at the moment, you are still an employee. You would have been moved away from being able to access any of his personal information the moment it was clear that you were in a relationship with each other in my organisation.

My organisation literally was a shit show and had no rules whatsoever. I would name and shame but then it would completely give away my identity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:43

September1013 · 15/01/2025 19:40

He’s a dick but this passive aggressive confrontational approach isn’t going to help you.

You can go through CMS but if there’s no evidence of earnings then he won’t be required to pay. You can also get a child arrangements order through family court but again he can’t be forced to see his child.

Or you can forget the court process and deal with him directly, but the current approach you are taking isn’t likely to work. Read up on “grey rock” technique, this can help you to avoid giving an emotional response when he’s playing games. If he doesn’t get a reaction then he’s less likely to mess you about.

Some of the parent communication courses that the courts recommend may also be helpful - they often suggest you treat it as a business relationship rather than a personal one, this can help reframe things and keep the emotion out of it.

I have tried to deal with him directly but he has done everything he can to make my life difficult. I even have texts of him telling me he is going to make my life as difficult as possible, because I kept our baby? Lol!

I'm just at my wits end. I know I cant stop contact for any reason, even if hes abusive towards me. So what do I do? Its all by his rules

OP posts:
Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:41

Senior finance professional. If you're on mat leave at the moment, you are still an employee. You would have been moved away from being able to access any of his personal information the moment it was clear that you were in a relationship with each other in my organisation.

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:41

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:39

are you receiving maternity pay?

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It ended this month

OP posts:
September1013 · 15/01/2025 19:40

He’s a dick but this passive aggressive confrontational approach isn’t going to help you.

You can go through CMS but if there’s no evidence of earnings then he won’t be required to pay. You can also get a child arrangements order through family court but again he can’t be forced to see his child.

Or you can forget the court process and deal with him directly, but the current approach you are taking isn’t likely to work. Read up on “grey rock” technique, this can help you to avoid giving an emotional response when he’s playing games. If he doesn’t get a reaction then he’s less likely to mess you about.

Some of the parent communication courses that the courts recommend may also be helpful - they often suggest you treat it as a business relationship rather than a personal one, this can help reframe things and keep the emotion out of it.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/01/2025 19:40

Hollietree · 15/01/2025 18:35

Your messages are very aggressive, like a dog with a bone. If I was in the receiving end of messages like that I would be pulling my hair out at the thought of dealing with you.

I know you are looking out for your child, trying to make ends meet, and I’m sure he’s been a twat who is not stepping up for his child. So I totally understand your frustration.

But I would suggest calming down your messages, be amicable for the best interest of your child. He is more likely to step up financially and be a better Father to your child if you can be pleasant. Bite your tongue and play nice.

Unfortunately this.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar...

File for CMS he is paye and presumably cant stay on his career break forever.

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:39

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:38

Find a new employment, which I am already doing

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are you receiving maternity pay?

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:38

redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:37

so what are you going to do for money?

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Find a new employment, which I am already doing

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Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:37

Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:34

As I said, I hope that you have informed your employer of the relationship between you if you still both work for the same organisation. I would expect it to be immediately flagged if you were able to access personal information about your ex which could be used to your own advantage. I hope your ex has raised the risk of you abusing his personal information and information barriers are put in place as soon as you return from mat leave. You're in a position of trust which you are abusing right now.

They knew about us. I havent abused him in any way, I was doing my job by processing his wages. We both left 7 months ago.

Not sure where your view comes from but please read the facts first

OP posts:
redstroll · 15/01/2025 19:37

Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:35

I talk like that with him because he is very coercive and can never give straight answers. He loves to keep me guessing. Im not returning to my old job because he was having an affair with our colleague (who I thought was my friend) whilst I was pregnant

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so what are you going to do for money?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/01/2025 19:37

My advice is only contact via email or a parent app.
Before you press 'send' ... visualise a judge reading your message.
He's a Twait BTW!

Original poster
Clmt · 15/01/2025 19:35

BeMellowOchreZebra · 15/01/2025 19:33

Being minted is irrelevant. He is not working at the moment. He has already given you £500 for January.

Your use of language is quite aggressive and controlling:

"You: Yes or no?
Him: I haven't decided.
You: I'll take that as no then."

If you worked in HR at the company then why can't you go back to work there? You need to focus on finding employment.

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I talk like that with him because he is very coercive and can never give straight answers. He loves to keep me guessing. Im not returning to my old job because he was having an affair with our colleague (who I thought was my friend) whilst I was pregnant

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 15/01/2025 19:35

Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:34

As I said, I hope that you have informed your employer of the relationship between you if you still both work for the same organisation. I would expect it to be immediately flagged if you were able to access personal information about your ex which could be used to your own advantage. I hope your ex has raised the risk of you abusing his personal information and information barriers are put in place as soon as you return from mat leave. You're in a position of trust which you are abusing right now.

She’s not. He left that job 7 months ago and the woman he was cheating on her with is there so OP won’t be going back. She’s not abusing him.

Dodonutty · 15/01/2025 19:35

X post!