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AIBU?

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Original poster

Therapist won’t let me cancel!

262 replies

Moocow1995 · 15/01/2025 12:26

Hi all

Bit of a strange one really. I have been going to talking therapy / CBT with a therapist for the last couple of years. It’s expensive- £75 per session.

I have had some very good sessions with her but some others where I have come away feeling that the advice wasn’t totally sound but that’s neither here nor there really. I started therapy due to a particularly difficult break up and having escaped an abusive boyfriend in 2019 and I do feel that I am in the most part ‘recovered’ from the damage caused by that situation and so the therapy is more of a nice to have than a complete essential now.

A couple of months ago, I explained to her that due to changes in my financial situation I would like to cut down to fortnightly sessions. This was met with a lot of disagreement and often half of my 50 minute session would be taken up with her telling me I would really benefit from weekly sessions. This was frustrating as I was paying more than I could afford for appointments in which I was making no progress and coming away feeling stressed. Nonetheless she eventually relented and I dropped down to fortnightly sessions.

She now spends almost my entire session moaning about me having dropped down to fortnightly. I am finding very little value in this now and am also expecting my first baby so have said I will be cancelling completely at the end of May.

She has taken this really badly and I feel like I am spending the whole session defending this decision and my financial situation to her. She has even suggested that I ask my partner or parents to continue paying.

It is probably worth mentioning that I am under no contractual agreement in this situation.

So, would I be unreasonable to just send an email to say ‘I will be ceasing all therapy sessions as of X date’ and refuse to engage any further? Previously she inundated me with calls and messages when I tried this approach when dropping down to fortnightly sessions.

If I ABU to take this approach, how would you get out of it?

It is causing me quite a lot of stress and financial pressure at a time I could do without it.

Thank you for taking the time to read if you got this far.

OP posts:
Huskytrot · 15/01/2025 14:12

januaryblues83 · 15/01/2025 14:03

The fact that you are feeling so nervous of asserting your boundaries here suggests you still have some therapeutic work to be done to help your sense of self worth and finding your voice.

That said, this woman is obviously deeply unprofessional and you should quit immediately without feeling guilty.

Completely agree with this.

The fact that you're doubting yourself indicates there may be more work to do. But not with her.

scoobysnaxx · 15/01/2025 14:12

YouOKHun · 15/01/2025 13:04

@Moocow1995 I'm a CBT therapist. A properly trained CBT therapist should be accredited by the BABCP and they have a complaints procedure. Unfortunately there are a lot of people calling themselves CBT therapists who are not properly trained and supervised. Generally speaking CBT is not a long-term therapy and there should be a clear case for it decided between the client and the therapist. Central to CBT is that it is open and collaborative. It is not ethical to prolong therapy if it's not in the client's best interests. You absolutely can (and you should) decide what you want to do and tell her. If you want to find another CBT therapist then make sure they are BABCP accredited.

Absolutely this. Her conduct absolutely goes against the principles of CBT. We cannot push or coerce anyone to remain in therapy. We are guided by you. CBT will not work if someone doesn't want it, feeling stagnant and has no goals. I don't understand what she's trying to achieve except for taking your money. Complain and make sure your future therapist is BABCP accredited.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 15/01/2025 14:11

Tell her thank you for helping you work on asserting your boundaries and you are cancelling all future sessions as they are no longer benefiting you and to please not contact you trying to make you feel guilty for not giving her any more money.

Then block her.

Mumofoneandone · 15/01/2025 14:11

Cancel with immediate effect. Possibly seek a refund for the sessions where she hasn't been acting as a therapist.
Contact her regulatory body about the concerns you have about her conduct. She is out of order.

Greyish2025 · 15/01/2025 14:11

redboxer321 · 15/01/2025 13:32

I had a therapist try to keep to weekly sessions once when I said I could only afford fortnightly. She argued, we eventually agreed and she dumped me at the end of the next session!
There's some shocking therapists out there. A number who are in it totally for themselves. Wolves in sheep clothing.

As many others have said, don't wait, just leave now.

There's some shocking therapists out there. A number who are in it totally for themselves. Wolves in sheep clothing.

Totally agree, a lot of them are very damaged people themselves and that’s why they go into the industry in the first place, I have always been wary of them

femfemlicious · 15/01/2025 14:10

Ihopeyouhavent · 15/01/2025 13:32

I voted for YABU, only because you're adult and should have told her weeks ago you are cancelling. Cancel and block.

I agree 💯. This is something my 13 years old would do. She finds it really hard to go against what someone says (except for what I say😒) even when it affects her. I'm seriously working on her because I don't know how she will manage in the future. Its tough out there

oakleaffy · 15/01/2025 14:08

Moocow1995 · 15/01/2025 14:05

To be honest this is exactly why I made the post to get an outside perspective because I am admittedly not massively confident in myself and probably could do with some help finding my voice. I just don’t think she is the therapist for me at this point or ever again

Show quote history

Brilliant!
''You are not the therapist for me, at this point or ever again''

👏

bryceQ · 15/01/2025 14:08

That's crazy of her. Email you will not be returning. You don't owe her anything you've been a consistent customer for a long time but she is no longer supplying a quality service.

Greyish2025 · 15/01/2025 14:07

januaryblues83 · 15/01/2025 14:03

The fact that you are feeling so nervous of asserting your boundaries here suggests you still have some therapeutic work to be done to help your sense of self worth and finding your voice.

That said, this woman is obviously deeply unprofessional and you should quit immediately without feeling guilty.

Are you a therapist by any chance?

oakleaffy · 15/01/2025 14:06

Moocow1995 · 15/01/2025 13:57

Thanks very much all for the replies. I suppose I was just checking I was in the right to cancel without further notice based on this experience. She is indeed BACP registered yes. I think I will take the approach of cancelling ASAP and not waiting until May and then blocking on all avenues.

Ironically a lot of our work together has been focussed on giving me the confidence to set boundaries and stand up for myself when I don’t feel situations are right or beneficial to me, so it has been strange and counterproductive for her to bat all of my boundaries/ requests and very reasonable explanations away at every given opportunity.

I do agree that she is providing a service and I am a customer and so it is not up to her whether or not I continue!

Channel your inner Sir Alan Sugar.

Point your metaphorical index finger at her , and say

☝️ ''You're fired.'' ☝️

Bbc GIF by The Apprentice UK
Original poster
Moocow1995 · 15/01/2025 14:05

januaryblues83 · 15/01/2025 14:03

The fact that you are feeling so nervous of asserting your boundaries here suggests you still have some therapeutic work to be done to help your sense of self worth and finding your voice.

That said, this woman is obviously deeply unprofessional and you should quit immediately without feeling guilty.

To be honest this is exactly why I made the post to get an outside perspective because I am admittedly not massively confident in myself and probably could do with some help finding my voice. I just don’t think she is the therapist for me at this point or ever again

OP posts:
PrettyParrot · 15/01/2025 14:04

OP, I would send her this message:

"I just wanted to let you know that I will not be returning for any further sessions, as I have previously discussed.

Since a lot of our work together has been focussed on giving me the confidence to set boundaries and stand up for myself when I don’t feel situations are right or beneficial to me, I feel it has been strange and counterproductive for you to bat all of my boundaries/ requests and very reasonable explanations away at every given opportunity.

I wish you all the best for the future. Kind regards etc"

Lilactimes · 15/01/2025 14:03

oakleaffy · 15/01/2025 14:01

''Really a good therapist is looking to help you feel empowered and to build your own resilience whereas this sounds like she's working towards dependency which is not healthy. I'd report her as well.''
^^

Sums it up.

How dare this poor quality therapist waste OP's time and money in this way.

Actually, OP, you are PAYING to listen to this 'the rapist' to whine and moan.

She's actually abusing you.

Totally agree with all of this.
you absolutely are under no obligation, or contract and if you don’t owe her anything just stop seeing her. Good luck OP!

tilypu · 15/01/2025 14:03

Honestly, I wouldn't go back. That's completely inappropriate.

januaryblues83 · 15/01/2025 14:03

The fact that you are feeling so nervous of asserting your boundaries here suggests you still have some therapeutic work to be done to help your sense of self worth and finding your voice.

That said, this woman is obviously deeply unprofessional and you should quit immediately without feeling guilty.

Ezzee · 15/01/2025 14:02

Seasonchange · 15/01/2025 12:33

Therapist here - hi!
This sounds like really unethical behaviour. I would cancel your sessions immediately and perhaps report this to her governing body if she’s a member.
You are under no obligation to attend therapy and can cancel whenever you like. As a therapist, I respect my clients autonomy.

We don't have a 'governing body' in the UK.
OP just send an email to say as of xxx date you won't attend and as you are the client this is your choice, Id also ask her not to reply BUT as a therapist myself I would make this today's date and never go back.
This could cause you damage and needs to stop asap, sorry you've come across someone so unprofessional and unethical.

oakleaffy · 15/01/2025 14:01

''Really a good therapist is looking to help you feel empowered and to build your own resilience whereas this sounds like she's working towards dependency which is not healthy. I'd report her as well.''
^^

Sums it up.

How dare this poor quality therapist waste OP's time and money in this way.

Actually, OP, you are PAYING to listen to this 'the rapist' to whine and moan.

She's actually abusing you.

IlooklikeNigella · 15/01/2025 14:00

I went to a therapist for two years and found it extremely beneficial but I remember situations not dissimilar to the ones you've described where I wanted to reduce to twice a month and was told no but she would give me a free session here and there instead (which I was uncomfortable with and refused). Another time I said I wanted to stop for a while and she said it was very important I stopped in the correct manner over four weeks.

It was all a bit odd and looking back felt unfair as I trusted her so implicitly.

I really benefitted from the therapy and then after two years began to feel I didn't need it so much anymore. There were two sessions where I felt they had largely been a waste of time and money.

I changed jobs and was thrown in the deep end, the location was different and I missed two sessions. I messaged apologising and paid anyway as per the agreement. I then said I wouldn't be back as it was too inconvenient and I wanted to stop anyway, thanks for everything etc.

I vaguely remember getting an argumentative message back, I was so busy in work (and highly motivated) that I didn't pay much attention but was mildly irked. I responded that I wouldn't be returning for the foreseeable. I forgot about it.

A couple of years later I was diagnosed with an aggressive illness and lost a close relative. I decided to return to therapy so contacted her asking if she had any availability just for a few sessions while I was visiting the city for three weeks. The appointment was made over text.

When I arrived she told me to take a seat then to my absolute shock said "before we continue we need to discuss the abrupt manner in which you left" when I was perplexed she looked totally stunned and said "you don't think there was anything wrong with how you finished up with me"

I said no I didn't. I told you I was leaving, I paid you for the sessions I didn't attend and I gave a week's notice. I had no contract with you. I no longer wanted or needed therapy.

She looked rattled but I actually thought my actions were testament to her doing a good job on me that I was assertive and calm now.

LAMPS1 · 15/01/2025 14:00

Won’t let you cancel?

But you can cancel OP. You just stop going. Enough is enough now. Without a contract there’s nothing she can do.
But do the right thing and send her a simple message thanking her for some very good sessions but you feel you have come to the end of the road and therfore won’t be attending any more sessions. You don’t even have to tell her why.

But if you do feel like telling her why then just tell her the truth. Say that her ‘therapy’ has now become detrimental to your anxiety levels/mental health, as well as your bank balance and feels more like bullying.

Please do not even think of continuing until May. Save yourself the £700.

876543A · 15/01/2025 13:59

Moocow1995 · 15/01/2025 13:57

Thanks very much all for the replies. I suppose I was just checking I was in the right to cancel without further notice based on this experience. She is indeed BACP registered yes. I think I will take the approach of cancelling ASAP and not waiting until May and then blocking on all avenues.

Ironically a lot of our work together has been focussed on giving me the confidence to set boundaries and stand up for myself when I don’t feel situations are right or beneficial to me, so it has been strange and counterproductive for her to bat all of my boundaries/ requests and very reasonable explanations away at every given opportunity.

I do agree that she is providing a service and I am a customer and so it is not up to her whether or not I continue!

I'd point that out to her about the boundaries work when you tell her you are cancelling - good point!

Original poster
Moocow1995 · 15/01/2025 13:57

Thanks very much all for the replies. I suppose I was just checking I was in the right to cancel without further notice based on this experience. She is indeed BACP registered yes. I think I will take the approach of cancelling ASAP and not waiting until May and then blocking on all avenues.

Ironically a lot of our work together has been focussed on giving me the confidence to set boundaries and stand up for myself when I don’t feel situations are right or beneficial to me, so it has been strange and counterproductive for her to bat all of my boundaries/ requests and very reasonable explanations away at every given opportunity.

I do agree that she is providing a service and I am a customer and so it is not up to her whether or not I continue!

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 15/01/2025 13:56

@Moocow1995 I knew of an extremely good CBT therapist years ago-

I recommended that someone I know saw him, and the person was told that he wouldn't be needing many sessions , as too many can be counterproductive.

Friend found the 6 sessions they had were very insightful. {the first one was free to see if they could work together}

Some counsellors are really awful, as you have found out.

Leave now, please don't keep funding this awful woman until May!

AnonymousBleep · 15/01/2025 13:53

This is ridiculous. You're under no obligation to continue therapy and it sounds like extremely poor value for money. Send her a firm email and then block her on everything.

Greyish2025 · 15/01/2025 13:52

I would absolutely send the e-mail and have no further contact with her, I would also make a complaint to a professional body as she is undoubtably doing this to some more of her clients

I believe some therapists have no real interest in seeing their patients fully recover as it’s not in their best interest as they end up loosing business

They may help you a bit but then feed into your insecurities / other issues at other times just to keep you hanging on and paying them

oatmilkchocolate · 15/01/2025 13:51

The fact that you feel unable to say 'I am cancelling all sessions as of now' is a sign the therapy is not working for you.

It is a normal every day occurrence to cease services that you no longer need. You do not need the service providers approval to do so ( unless under contract which you say you are not).

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